I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

On Thu, 7 Apr 2016 03:40:27 -0000 (UTC), Harold R
wrote:

I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

I'll assume this is a troll.

Pack their stuff in plastic garbage bags and throw is out of the
house. Don't work you don't eat.

Turn off all the free stiff you gave them. Not more money to support
them. Tell the lazy *******s to go into the free world and make their
own bones to support the lazy lifestyle. Like real people do.

Stop being an enabler that you have been. Reach down to see if you
have a sack of nuts. Tough love, not some liberal pacifist that you
seem to be.

You pussy. Who the **** is in charge of your program? Spit.

On Thu, 7 Apr 2016 03:40:27 -0000 (UTC), Harold R
wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with
me around the house. They're missing out on a lot,
'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids
(otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of
course, but they don't even "like" working around the
house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the
lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these
things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what
I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

Well, are they just barely teens, or older teens?

What is your usual method of discipline?

What motivates them, and what life skills do they lack?

--
Maggie

Muggles wrote:
On Thu, 7 Apr 2016 03:40:27 -0000 (UTC), Harold R
wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with
me around the house. They're missing out on a lot,
'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids
(otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of
course, but they don't even "like" working around the
house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the
lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these
things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what
I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

Well, are they just barely teens, or older teens?

What is your usual method of discipline?

What motivates them, and what life skills do they lack?

Are you old enough (don't answer , rhetorical) to remember the
grasshopper/ant cartoon where the g'hopper goes around singin' "Oh the world
owes me a livin' "? The kids these days have been indoctrinated to expect
that . From Big Brother spit .

--
Snag
TANSTAAFL

On Wed, 6 Apr 2016 23:38:42 -0500, "Terry Coombs"
wrote:
Just wondering if you have suggestions.

Well, are they just barely teens, or older teens?
What is your usual method of discipline?
What motivates them, and what life skills do they
lack?

Are you old enough (don't answer , rhetorical) to
remember the grasshopper/ant cartoon where the
g'hopper goes around singin' "Oh the world owes me
a livin' "? The kids these days have been
indoctrinated to expect that . From Big Brother
spit .

Hmm Seems like that cartoon sounds familiar.

If a father wants to try to teach his kids, he can only try to do
what he can. With the right tools he may actually succeed, even.

--
Maggie

On Wed, 6 Apr 2016 23:38:42 -0500, "Terry Coombs"
wrote:
Just wondering if you have suggestions.

Well, are they just barely teens, or older teens?
What is your usual method of discipline?
What motivates them, and what life skills do they
lack?

Are you old enough (don't answer , rhetorical) to
remember the grasshopper/ant cartoon where the
g'hopper goes around singin' "Oh the world owes me
a livin' "? The kids these days have been
indoctrinated to expect that . From Big Brother
spit .

Hmm Seems like that cartoon sounds familiar.

If a father wants to try to teach his kids, he can only try to do
what he can. With the right tools he may actually succeed, even.

--
Maggie

Muggles wrote ... on Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:21:33 -0500 ...

Well, are they just barely teens, or older teens?

One is 19, the other 12.

What is your usual method of discipline?

Discipline? I don't think that applies here, since this is
volunteer work. But discipline is almost never anything more
than a reprimand. Never have they ever been hit. Never have
we had to punish them other than to perhaps ground the older
one for a day or two and withhold things they care about
for a short period of time (classic TEASPOT method that
everyone is taught in child psychology).

What motivates them, and what life skills do they lack?

One is on the computer 24/7 and the other is on the phone
24/7. One kills aliens day after day after day, while the
other fusses over her hair and nails and clothes.

Typical stuff. Very typical stuff.

Terry Coombs wrote ... on Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:38:42 -0500 ...

Are you old enough (don't answer , rhetorical) to remember the
grasshopper/ant cartoon where the g'hopper goes around singin' "Oh the world
owes me a livin' "? The kids these days have been indoctrinated to expect
that . From Big Brother spit .

I don't ever tell the kids that they owe me anything other than
respect and that they must respect the family.

I was hoping they'd figure out how to help out on their own.

Muggles wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 00:02:28 -0500 ...

Hmm Seems like that cartoon sounds familiar.

If a father wants to try to teach his kids, he can only try to do
what he can. With the right tools he may actually succeed, even.

They do seem to be interested, but only in the first few minutes.

I think their attention span is no longer than 10 minutes.

And, well, there's not a whole lot you can do in 10 minutes.

On 04/07/2016 01:12 AM, Harold R wrote:



snip

What motivates them, and what life skills do they lack?

One is on the computer 24/7 and the other is on the phone
24/7. One kills aliens day after day after day, while the
other fusses over her hair and nails and clothes.

Typical stuff. Very typical stuff.




My kid grew up a lot better than I did but we did go through an
interesting phase.


I gave her a small allowance for doing chores around the house.

One day, she stopped doing the chores, so rather than get in a huge
fight with her, I just stopped giving her the allowance.

All was fine for about a year...then one day she told me that her
friends get an allowance...and she wondered why she did not.


I reminded her of the reason and we never had a problem with that since.

Harry,

Have you discussed this with your wife? If you are not a "united front"
then you won't succeed.
How old are the kids and what chores are they already responsible for?
If the kids won't work with you, will they work with your spouse?
Who feeds and takes care of the pets?

Dave M.

On 4/6/2016 11:40 PM, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.


I might have gotten my sons to help if I did it with them but things I
told them to do like cutting grass was like pulling teeth and easier to
do myself.

Eldest son surprised me on his second marriage where his father in law
taught him to do more things than I had ever attempted myself.

So my advice is get them to work with you but not on their own.

philo wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 04:56:18 -0500 ...

One day, she stopped doing the chores, so rather than get in a huge
fight with her, I just stopped giving her the allowance.

I do give 'em $10 an hour when I *really* want them to learn something.

That works, but they watch the clock like a hawk.

David L. Martel wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 09:28:20 -0400 ...

Have you discussed this with your wife? If you are not a "united front"
then you won't succeed.
How old are the kids and what chores are they already responsible for?
If the kids won't work with you, will they work with your spouse?
Who feeds and takes care of the pets?

The wife doesn't care about it.

I don't understand how women do anything sometimes. I know that sounds
sexist, but they can't "fix" a thing. For them, it's throw away and
buy new or pay some guy to do it for them.

So she's not with the program.

The kids are 12 and 19.

They don't really have any "chores" per se.

No pets though.

Frank wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 10:01:03 -0400 ...


I might have gotten my sons to help if I did it with them but things I
told them to do like cutting grass was like pulling teeth and easier to
do myself.

Eldest son surprised me on his second marriage where his father in law
taught him to do more things than I had ever attempted myself.

So my advice is get them to work with you but not on their own

Actually, the whole question was about getting them to work "with" me.

I don't really want them to work on their own. Sure, they can,
but the question was about fixing stuff, like putting brakes on
or mounting tires or mowing the lawn or repairing things.

Most things that need to be repaired need to be diagnosed,and they
get bored in just a few minutes of diagnosis.

"Harold R" wrote in message
...
Frank wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 10:01:03 -0400 ...


I might have gotten my sons to help if I did it with them but things I
told them to do like cutting grass was like pulling teeth and easier to
do myself.

Eldest son surprised me on his second marriage where his father in law
taught him to do more things than I had ever attempted myself.

So my advice is get them to work with you but not on their own

Actually, the whole question was about getting them to work "with" me.

I don't really want them to work on their own. Sure, they can,
but the question was about fixing stuff, like putting brakes on
or mounting tires or mowing the lawn or repairing things.

Most things that need to be repaired need to be diagnosed,and they
get bored in just a few minutes of diagnosis.

You need to get the cute girl next door to tell him things like "Wow, you
know how to do that sort of stuff? That is so cool!"

On 04/07/2016 9:07 AM, Harold R wrote:
....

So she's not with the program.

The kids are 12 and 19.

They don't really have any "chores" per se.
....

The battle is lost almost irretrievably I'd wager altho perhaps the 12
yo may have some chance to modify behavior if the 19 yo is soon not
around off to school or on own.

We never let kids have all the cell phones and "stuff"; there's no
possibility they would ever be allowed to spend their days doing nothing
but video games and the like; chores were always expected from the time
were able to walk could carry a napkin to the table or something to
"help" (even if it ended up as more effort to assist than net work
gained, often).

As for yard work, and all, there was no "like" or "interest" needed;
again, it was expected.

One does not do them a service by not setting expectations and teaching
a work ethic, but if it's not begun early, patterns are set and then
become exceedingly difficult to break.

I feel your pain but the situation was built from the start...

--

On 4/7/2016 9:08 AM, Harold R wrote:
Frank wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 10:01:03 -0400 ...

I might have gotten my sons to help if I did it with them but things I
told them to do like cutting grass was like pulling teeth and easier to
do myself.

Eldest son surprised me on his second marriage where his father in law
taught him to do more things than I had ever attempted myself.

So my advice is get them to work with you but not on their own

Actually, the whole question was about getting them to work "with" me.

I don't really want them to work on their own. Sure, they can,
but the question was about fixing stuff, like putting brakes on
or mounting tires or mowing the lawn or repairing things.

Most things that need to be repaired need to be diagnosed,and they
get bored in just a few minutes of diagnosis.


Everyone has some good advice to offer that I've read so far, but the
problem is how do you implement something that'll work for your 2 kids.
One is an adult male teen, and the other is a young girl teen and what
works for one won't work for the other.

I'd suggest you sit them both down and let them know the rules are going
to change along with what will be expected from them. Once you set the
rules there will be consequences if they either won't/can't abide by the
rules. Stop paying your own kids $10 an hour to do chores in the home
they live in. Tell them they are getting room and board and food every
day and if they want to eat and have a comfortable place to live,
they'll contribute to the daily needs of the household.

For example: For the 19 year old, it's your house, you pay the bills,
and therefore his video games are no longer allowed - confiscate them
and let him know since he's an adult that he's expected to get a job and
pay you some rent. If he balts at that idea explain that he's an adult
and it's time for reality lessons. He needs to begin supporting himself,
paying rent, and helping around the house with specific chores. You're
his father and love him, but at the same time it isn't love to allow an
adult child to just sit around all day playing video games. He's grown
up now and life is tough and it's time he learns what it'll be like if
and when he's on his own so he might as well get a taste of supporting
himself, now, when you're there to assist him in learning the best ways
of doing it.

If your 19 yo son refuses, let him know he's welcome to move out and
have a taste of what real life will serve up to him if he's not
prepared, otherwise, you won't be providing him free room and board
anymore. OR, come up with some other consequence that WILL make him
uncomfortable enough to get up off his lazy butt and grow up and learn
about real life. It won't be easy for you to lay down the law, but if
you don't he could be living with you for the rest of his life sponging
off of you will no real life skills to support himself. That isn't love
if you let your son sit and play video games all day and not set down
rules and expectations for him to rise up to be a real man.

Your 12 year old daughter needs a wake up call, too, but you have more
time to get through to her, but your daughter will try to manipulate you
in order to get her way and anything she wants from you. After all,
she's daddy's little girl. Set down rules for her that are age
appropriate like pulling weeds in the yard, doing laundry, cooking
meals, working side by side with you so you can teach her how to change
the oil in a car so she'll know how to take care of a car when she's old
enough to own one.

REQUIRE both of them to learn life skills - take away their electronic
toys and make them EARN those privileges. You're their father - not
their sugar daddy. If they get out in the real world not having any
real life skills they'll just come back home when things get rough and
live off of mom and dad til you're too old to support them any more.
Allowing them to become those sorts of people doesn't do them any good.
Real life is tough and they need to learn if they don't pull their own
weight life will knock them down and they might not get back up.

That's just a few things I can think of ... My 3 kids are full grown
all living on their own, now. When we were raising them teaching them
life lessons was an every day thing, and they had to earn the "wants" in
life.

--
Maggie

On Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 11:40:31 PM UTC-4, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

My suggestion: Soap Box Derby Racing. This is just an example, it's up
to you figure out what activity your kids will like. It's the concept
that matters.

Contact your local (or closest) chapter of the AASBD and find out who
runs the program. You could start at the top and work your way down:

http://www.soapboxderby.org/

All 4 of my kids were involved in Derby racing. They all knew that if they
didn't help with the cars *and with chores around the house* they didn't
race. If they didn't race, they didn't get to hang out with all the new
friends that they made from across the country.

You want to motivate a kid? Tell him that his 3 siblings are going to spend
the weekend 3 states over, hanging out by the hotel pool with 20 or 30 other
racers for 2 nights while he stays home and thinks about the concept of
being rewarded for putting in effort.

If they embrace that concept, it will spread across all aspects of their
lives. They'll have tools in their hands. They'll build and fix things.
They'll know that it takes effort to be rewarded and that working hard pays
off. I've seen this work with literally thousands of kids over our 13 year
racing career.

I was 100% sure that it had sunk in when this happened:

After 4 or 5 years of racing, my son bought a used riding mower so he
could mow lawns to make some money. That's clue #1: If you work, you get
rewarded (read: paid). He eventually saved enough to buy a new one. One
day he said to me "Dad, I want to buy a cart to tow behind the mower so
I can carry rakes and stuff. The cart has small wheels, but the old riding
mower has big knobby ones like my new mower. I think we can cut the fenders
on the cart and make them fit. Do you want to give me a hand?" That's clue
#2: He knew that you can build and modify things to fit your needs. Tools
are fun. Building is satisfying.

My point here is you need to motivate them and the best way to do that is to
first, find something that sparks their interest, and second, withhold that
activity if they take it for granted and don't put any effort into it.

On 4/7/2016 12:04 PM, DerbyDad03 wrote:
On Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 11:40:31 PM UTC-4, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

My suggestion: Soap Box Derby Racing. This is just an example, it's up
to you figure out what activity your kids will like. It's the concept
that matters.

Contact your local (or closest) chapter of the AASBD and find out who
runs the program. You could start at the top and work your way down:

http://www.soapboxderby.org/

All 4 of my kids were involved in Derby racing. They all knew that if they
didn't help with the cars *and with chores around the house* they didn't
race. If they didn't race, they didn't get to hang out with all the new
friends that they made from across the country.

You want to motivate a kid? Tell him that his 3 siblings are going to spend
the weekend 3 states over, hanging out by the hotel pool with 20 or 30 other
racers for 2 nights while he stays home and thinks about the concept of
being rewarded for putting in effort.

If they embrace that concept, it will spread across all aspects of their
lives. They'll have tools in their hands. They'll build and fix things.
They'll know that it takes effort to be rewarded and that working hard pays
off. I've seen this work with literally thousands of kids over our 13 year
racing career.

I was 100% sure that it had sunk in when this happened:

After 4 or 5 years of racing, my son bought a used riding mower so he
could mow lawns to make some money. That's clue #1: If you work, you get
rewarded (read: paid). He eventually saved enough to buy a new one. One
day he said to me "Dad, I want to buy a cart to tow behind the mower so
I can carry rakes and stuff. The cart has small wheels, but the old riding
mower has big knobby ones like my new mower. I think we can cut the fenders
on the cart and make them fit. Do you want to give me a hand?" That's clue
#2: He knew that you can build and modify things to fit your needs. Tools
are fun. Building is satisfying.

My point here is you need to motivate them and the best way to do that is to
first, find something that sparks their interest, and second, withhold that
activity if they take it for granted and don't put any effort into it.


It's probably too late for that sort of thing for the 19 yr old.
There's probably still hope for the 12 year old for that approach.

--
Maggie

On Thursday, April 7, 2016 at 1:11:36 PM UTC-4, Muggles wrote:
On 4/7/2016 12:04 PM, DerbyDad03 wrote:
On Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 11:40:31 PM UTC-4, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

My suggestion: Soap Box Derby Racing. This is just an example, it's up
to you figure out what activity your kids will like. It's the concept
that matters.

Contact your local (or closest) chapter of the AASBD and find out who
runs the program. You could start at the top and work your way down:

http://www.soapboxderby.org/

All 4 of my kids were involved in Derby racing. They all knew that if they
didn't help with the cars *and with chores around the house* they didn't
race. If they didn't race, they didn't get to hang out with all the new
friends that they made from across the country.

You want to motivate a kid? Tell him that his 3 siblings are going to spend
the weekend 3 states over, hanging out by the hotel pool with 20 or 30 other
racers for 2 nights while he stays home and thinks about the concept of
being rewarded for putting in effort.

If they embrace that concept, it will spread across all aspects of their
lives. They'll have tools in their hands. They'll build and fix things.
They'll know that it takes effort to be rewarded and that working hard pays
off. I've seen this work with literally thousands of kids over our 13 year
racing career.

I was 100% sure that it had sunk in when this happened:

After 4 or 5 years of racing, my son bought a used riding mower so he
could mow lawns to make some money. That's clue #1: If you work, you get
rewarded (read: paid). He eventually saved enough to buy a new one. One
day he said to me "Dad, I want to buy a cart to tow behind the mower so
I can carry rakes and stuff. The cart has small wheels, but the old riding
mower has big knobby ones like my new mower. I think we can cut the fenders
on the cart and make them fit. Do you want to give me a hand?" That's clue
#2: He knew that you can build and modify things to fit your needs. Tools
are fun. Building is satisfying.

My point here is you need to motivate them and the best way to do that is to
first, find something that sparks their interest, and second, withhold that
activity if they take it for granted and don't put any effort into it.


It's probably too late for that sort of thing for the 19 yr old.
There's probably still hope for the 12 year old for that approach.

--
Maggie

I didn't see the ages until after I posted.

However, for the most part the concept still applies, although with a 19 YO
he will need to find a more "adult" activity, like coaching, mentoring, etc.
Perhaps the 19 YO could be the "parent" for the 12 YO in an activity. I've
seen older siblings supporting their younger ones in all sorts of activities.

Many organizations, even the AASBD, need more help than can be supplied
by just the participating families. Finding something constructive for a
19YO can be extremely beneficial.

"DerbyDad03" wrote in message
...

On Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 11:40:31 PM UTC-4, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't
even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the
pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun
(like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

My suggestion: Soap Box Derby Racing. This is just an example, it's up
to you figure out what activity your kids will like. It's the concept
that matters.

***MAPS, BROOMs, and RAGS clean the house you worthless ******
NO PHONEs, NO IPADs, NO BOOM BOXs, NO TVs

Contact your local (or closest) chapter of the AASBD and find out who
runs the program. You could start at the top and work your way down:

http://www.soapboxderby.org/

All 4 of my kids were involved in Derby racing. They all knew that if they
didn't help with the cars *and with chores around the house* they didn't
race. If they didn't race, they didn't get to hang out with all the new
friends that they made from across the country.

You want to motivate a kid? Tell him that his 3 siblings are going to spend
the weekend 3 states over, hanging out by the hotel pool with 20 or 30 other
racers for 2 nights while he stays home and thinks about the concept of
being rewarded for putting in effort.

If they embrace that concept, it will spread across all aspects of their
lives. They'll have tools in their hands. They'll build and fix things.
They'll know that it takes effort to be rewarded and that working hard pays
off. I've seen this work with literally thousands of kids over our 13 year
racing career.

I was 100% sure that it had sunk in when this happened:

After 4 or 5 years of racing, my son bought a used riding mower so he
could mow lawns to make some money. That's clue #1: If you work, you get
rewarded (read: paid). He eventually saved enough to buy a new one. One
day he said to me "Dad, I want to buy a cart to tow behind the mower so
I can carry rakes and stuff. The cart has small wheels, but the old riding
mower has big knobby ones like my new mower. I think we can cut the fenders
on the cart and make them fit. Do you want to give me a hand?" That's clue
#2: He knew that you can build and modify things to fit your needs. Tools
are fun. Building is satisfying.

My point here is you need to motivate them and the best way to do that is to
first, find something that sparks their interest, and second, withhold that
activity if they take it for granted and don't put any effort into it.

On 4/6/2016 8:40 PM, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.


I love teen girls.

dpb posted for all of us...



On 04/07/2016 9:07 AM, Harold R wrote:
...

So she's not with the program.

The kids are 12 and 19.

They don't really have any "chores" per se.
...

The battle is lost almost irretrievably I'd wager altho perhaps the 12
yo may have some chance to modify behavior if the 19 yo is soon not
around off to school or on own.

We never let kids have all the cell phones and "stuff"; there's no
possibility they would ever be allowed to spend their days doing nothing
but video games and the like; chores were always expected from the time
were able to walk could carry a napkin to the table or something to
"help" (even if it ended up as more effort to assist than net work
gained, often).

As for yard work, and all, there was no "like" or "interest" needed;
again, it was expected.

One does not do them a service by not setting expectations and teaching
a work ethic, but if it's not begun early, patterns are set and then
become exceedingly difficult to break.

I feel your pain but the situation was built from the start...

+1 (Although I have no kids) They may be too far gone... I suspect the 19 is
driving, so that is your crutch, the 13 is the phone. Gather the family
around the table and explain (without judgment or anger) that the bux are
going to stop unless you get their cooperation. You can blame economic times
or age or whatever-that society changes as one grows older and this is part
of it. New day at the ranch. Take the gas card away and the phone. Not as
punishment as incentive. They are looking to their parents as examples. You
have to provide the guidance, otherwise they will turn out to be slackers
like protesters in NYC. Can't remember the name of them...

I don't know what demographic area you live in but their peers will put
pressure on them. Remember they are probably doing acts which you don't
condone so you will have a uphill battle. Get your wife on board.

The way I was brought up was that was expected to help and get a job. It was
ingrained by my parents.

--
Tekkie

Muggles posted for all of us...



On 4/7/2016 9:08 AM, Harold R wrote:
Frank wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 10:01:03 -0400 ...

I might have gotten my sons to help if I did it with them but things I
told them to do like cutting grass was like pulling teeth and easier to
do myself.

Eldest son surprised me on his second marriage where his father in law
taught him to do more things than I had ever attempted myself.

So my advice is get them to work with you but not on their own

Actually, the whole question was about getting them to work "with" me.

I don't really want them to work on their own. Sure, they can,
but the question was about fixing stuff, like putting brakes on
or mounting tires or mowing the lawn or repairing things.

Most things that need to be repaired need to be diagnosed,and they
get bored in just a few minutes of diagnosis.


Everyone has some good advice to offer that I've read so far, but the
problem is how do you implement something that'll work for your 2 kids.
One is an adult male teen, and the other is a young girl teen and what
works for one won't work for the other.

I'd suggest you sit them both down and let them know the rules are going
to change along with what will be expected from them. Once you set the
rules there will be consequences if they either won't/can't abide by the
rules. Stop paying your own kids $10 an hour to do chores in the home
they live in. Tell them they are getting room and board and food every
day and if they want to eat and have a comfortable place to live,
they'll contribute to the daily needs of the household.

For example: For the 19 year old, it's your house, you pay the bills,
and therefore his video games are no longer allowed - confiscate them
and let him know since he's an adult that he's expected to get a job and
pay you some rent. If he balts at that idea explain that he's an adult
and it's time for reality lessons. He needs to begin supporting himself,
paying rent, and helping around the house with specific chores. You're
his father and love him, but at the same time it isn't love to allow an
adult child to just sit around all day playing video games. He's grown
up now and life is tough and it's time he learns what it'll be like if
and when he's on his own so he might as well get a taste of supporting
himself, now, when you're there to assist him in learning the best ways
of doing it.

If your 19 yo son refuses, let him know he's welcome to move out and
have a taste of what real life will serve up to him if he's not
prepared, otherwise, you won't be providing him free room and board
anymore. OR, come up with some other consequence that WILL make him
uncomfortable enough to get up off his lazy butt and grow up and learn
about real life. It won't be easy for you to lay down the law, but if
you don't he could be living with you for the rest of his life sponging
off of you will no real life skills to support himself. That isn't love
if you let your son sit and play video games all day and not set down
rules and expectations for him to rise up to be a real man.

Your 12 year old daughter needs a wake up call, too, but you have more
time to get through to her, but your daughter will try to manipulate you
in order to get her way and anything she wants from you. After all,
she's daddy's little girl. Set down rules for her that are age
appropriate like pulling weeds in the yard, doing laundry, cooking
meals, working side by side with you so you can teach her how to change
the oil in a car so she'll know how to take care of a car when she's old
enough to own one.

REQUIRE both of them to learn life skills - take away their electronic
toys and make them EARN those privileges. You're their father - not
their sugar daddy. If they get out in the real world not having any
real life skills they'll just come back home when things get rough and
live off of mom and dad til you're too old to support them any more.
Allowing them to become those sorts of people doesn't do them any good.

+1 I hadn't read this prior to my posting but it echoes every point I was
trying to make.

Are the kids going to college or other schooling? What are they interested
in? Don't be fooled by the candidates saying they will get a free education.
If they are going you will have to have DEEP pockets.

--
Tekkie

Tekkie® wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 14:55:22 -0400 ...

Are the kids going to college or other schooling? What are they interested
in? Don't be fooled by the candidates saying they will get a free education.
If they are going you will have to have DEEP pockets.

School is taken care of with a 529 plan.

On Thursday, April 7, 2016 at 3:37:01 PM UTC-4, Harold R wrote:
Tekkie® wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 14:55:22 -0400 ...

Are the kids going to college or other schooling? What are they interested
in? Don't be fooled by the candidates saying they will get a free education.
If they are going you will have to have DEEP pockets.

School is taken care of with a 529 plan.

The beneficiaries of a 529 plan can be changed. Just saying...

On 04/07/2016 9:08 AM, Harold R wrote:
....

Actually, the whole question was about getting them to work "with" me.

I don't really want them to work on their own. Sure, they can,
but the question was about fixing stuff, like putting brakes on
or mounting tires or mowing the lawn or repairing things.

Most things that need to be repaired need to be diagnosed,and they
get bored in just a few minutes of diagnosis.

Again, if haven't from time they were young, it is highly unlikely it's
going to happen now...I was fortunate to have had the experience of
growing up on a farm where there was an unending number of things to be
done, much of which could be done by a youngster and that had at least a
relationship to being meaningful. There wasn't anywhere to go so it was
"tag along" or else as far as being around Dad (and earlier,
grandfather) and so most of the skillset you're trying to instill now
began quite early. But, again, much of it was enforced in having to be
the one to hold something or fetch something or similar when would have
far preferred being somewhere else--farm in SW KS in July is hot and dry
and so there were "better" ways to spend a day.

You don't have to go so far, of course, and really can't since amongst
other things one can infer you're not working at home all day doing
things they could participate in even if were so the opportunities are
more limited. But, it's going to be a struggle to try to force interest
once they've been allowed a free ride, essentially, up to now--it's just
human nature and particularly kids don't come inbred with desire to do
work and desirable traits that aren't expected are highly unlikely to
come as first nature spontaneously.

The gadget culture is one of the most difficult barriers in breaking
through and getting results other than the bare minimum we've come up
with yet, unfortunately. They have benefits, but for kids who aren't
already mature-enough to handle them, they're a cancer if left unchecked.

I really don't know how I would recommend a path forward but I agree it
sounds like the kids need some real fast education on the road to
independence and thus commend you for at least thinking about it.

--

On 4/7/2016 5:40 PM, dpb wrote:
On 04/07/2016 9:08 AM, Harold R wrote:
...



You don't have to go so far, of course, and really can't since amongst
other things one can infer you're not working at home all day doing
things they could participate in even if were so the opportunities are
more limited. But, it's going to be a struggle to try to force interest
once they've been allowed a free ride, essentially, up to now--it's just
human nature and particularly kids don't come inbred with desire to do
work and desirable traits that aren't expected are highly unlikely to
come as first nature spontaneously.

snip

I really don't know how I would recommend a path forward but I agree it
sounds like the kids need some real fast education on the road to
independence and thus commend you for at least thinking about it.

--

It starts young. Kids have to be shown that helping out is part of
being a family. If they see some benefit they are more willing to do
it. By benefit, I don't mean a new X-Box. I mean simple things like a
nice thank you and compliment how it helps mom or dad to get a break.
Or how we can go fishing early if we get the windows washed today.

The kids should also have assigned chores such as setting or clearing
the table, taking the trash out, etc. Depending on the job, give them
choices. Would you rather paint the fence of clean the deck? It has to
be done by the time our guests arrive on Saturday. There has to be
consequences if not done too.

Ed Pawlowski wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 19:05:40 -0400 ...

It starts young. Kids have to be shown that helping out is part of
being a family. If they see some benefit they are more willing to do
it. By benefit, I don't mean a new X-Box. I mean simple things like a
nice thank you and compliment how it helps mom or dad to get a break.
Or how we can go fishing early if we get the windows washed today.

The kids should also have assigned chores such as setting or clearing
the table, taking the trash out, etc. Depending on the job, give them
choices. Would you rather paint the fence of clean the deck? It has to
be done by the time our guests arrive on Saturday. There has to be
consequences if not done too.

They're good kids, but they're treated like kings at our house.
Starts with the Southern European mother.
The Father is a pushover also.

We didn't start young.

On 4/7/2016 7:46 PM, Harold R wrote:
Ed Pawlowski wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 19:05:40 -0400 ...

It starts young. Kids have to be shown that helping out is part of
being a family.

They're good kids, but they're treated like kings at our house.
Starts with the Southern European mother.
The Father is a pushover also.

We didn't start young.


You have my condolences. Difficult to change now. I hope they at least
learn to take responsibility for themselves as adults.

On 4/7/2016 8:25 PM, Ed Pawlowski wrote:
On 4/7/2016 7:46 PM, Harold R wrote:
We didn't start young.


You have my condolences. Difficult to change now. I hope they at least
learn to take responsibility for themselves as adults.

Future Hillary! voters?

-
..
Christopher A. Young
learn more about Jesus
.. www.lds.org
..
..

DerbyDad03 wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 12:49:03 -0700 ...

The beneficiaries of a 529 plan can be changed. Just saying...

Heh heh heh ... good idea!

Ed Pawlowski wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 20:25:42 -0400 ...

You have my condolences. Difficult to change now. I hope they at least
learn to take responsibility for themselves as adults.

The older one is a good driver and a 3.8GPA college student, so, I hope so.

On Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 10:40:31 PM UTC-5, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

Children are like dogs, you must start their training when they're pups. ^_^

[8~{} Uncle Dog Monster

On 04/07/2016 8:10 PM, Harold R wrote:
Ed Pawlowski wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 20:25:42 -0400 ...

You have my condolences. Difficult to change now. I hope they at least
learn to take responsibility for themselves as adults.

The older one is a good driver and a 3.8GPA college student, so, I hope so.

Well, at least is applying himself at the academics...where does find
the time in competition with the video games described is curious,
though. I see little chance of changing his behavior around the house
at this point but it would seem that a beginning of requiring some
responsibilities of contributing some to the household given the age and
at college level would be a start towards some of the painful life lessons.

The younger still has some malleable time left, but it's awfully late in
the game...

--

On Wednesday, April 6, 2016 at 10:40:31 PM UTC-5, Harold R wrote:
I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

My father was a DIYer and always expected me to help around the house and help him with repairs. As a result, I grew up thinking I can handle most any project around the house. My 30 yo daughter learned from me too and tackles stuff on her own in her condo. She took apart her kitchen sink drain, replaced a disposer, painted her place, assembled KD furniture, etc. Saves tons of money when you can do that stuff yourself.