Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?


--
Dave
The Medway Handyman
www.medwayhandyman.co.uk
01634 717930
07850 597257

"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
. uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

You could try and take the mickey out of the health and safety directorate
and how they would try and regulate Santa and his trip to your house. You
know, hazard analysis, warning signs, not leaving anything about Santa might
stumble on etc. Or maybe bring the planning people in for a swipe.

Andy.

The Medway Handyman wrote:

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Not exactly spoof, but:

Remember ladder safety when climbing a tree to retrieve holly & ivy
Make sure your external mains powerd xmas lights are on a RCD

sure there must be more...


--
Cheers,

John.

/================================================== ===============\
| Internode Ltd - http://www.internode.co.uk |
|-----------------------------------------------------------------|
| John Rumm - john(at)internode(dot)co(dot)uk |
\================================================= ================/

"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
. uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?



To make landing his sleigh easier.
Take the glace cherries from the cake/pudding and place them down the middle
of the street
like 'cats eyes'

arthur

The Medway Handyman wrote:
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They
want the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is
swept so Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Won't he burn his arse on the stove?

--
Sir Benjamin Middlethwaite

The message
from John Rumm contains these words:

sure there must be more...

Don't take the battery out of the smoke alarm to make the new toy/TV
remote work.

--
Skipweasel
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
. uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Have you asked the editor if that is what is wanted? If I were the editor I
would be hoping for something along the lines of how to fix a Christmas tree
securely, how to get the tree lights working, how safely to put up
decorations, etc.

Colin Bignell

"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
. uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

How about 'get a life'?

On Wed, 8 Nov 2006 23:36:03 -0000, "Andy" wrote:

|
|"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
.uk...
| Hi All
|
| I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
| the December one to have an Xmas theme.
|
| I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
| Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.
|
| Any ideas on this theme?
|
|You could try and take the mickey out of the health and safety directorate
|and how they would try and regulate Santa and his trip to your house. You
|know, hazard analysis, warning signs, not leaving anything about Santa might
|stumble on etc. Or maybe bring the planning people in for a swipe.

I for one would appreciate that article.
--
Dave Fawthrop dave hyphenologist co uk Google Groups is IME the *worst*
method of accessing usenet. GG subscribers would be well advised get a
newsreader, say Agent, and a newsserver, say news.individual.net. These
will allow them: to see only *new* posts, a killfile, and other goodies.

"The Medway Handyman" wrote in
message . uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is
swept so Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Have you asked the editor if that is what is wanted? If I were the
editor I would be hoping for something along the lines of how to fix
a Christmas tree securely, how to get the tree lights working, how
safely to put up decorations, etc.

Yes. She loved it.


--
Dave
The Medway Handyman
www.medwayhandyman.co.uk
01634 717930
07850 597257

In article ,
"nightjar" nightjar@insert my surname here.uk.com wrote:

Have you asked the editor if that is what is wanted? If I were the editor I
would be hoping for something along the lines of how to fix a Christmas tree
securely, how to get the tree lights working, how safely to put up
decorations, etc.

Yep - (all humour aside, good as it may be) I was thinking: how to make
a good Christmas tree holder. (preferably one that would hold water and
is easily topped up.)


On the other hand, Andy Mann: how can anyone make anything these days
which will be cheaper than what you can buy in the Pound Shop, made in
China, and often to "good enough" specs?

Good luck - sounds like a fun article in any case.

John

nightjar nightjar@ wrote:
"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
. uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Have you asked the editor if that is what is wanted? If I were the editor I
would be hoping for something along the lines of how to fix a Christmas tree
securely, how to get the tree lights working, how safely to put up
decorations, etc.

Colin Bignell



I would say where to buy house insurance for when the candles set the
house on fire, how too get wax out of polished table tops, How to get
the ruddy tree lights working again and where to get spare bulbs, and
how to store all the decorations so they don't hang around for ages
afterwards.

Alternatively how to join up with like minded mates for a Christmas in
some isolated spot with a good hotel to avoid the rest of the family,
would be welcome.

On 2006-11-09 10:41:00 +0000, The Natural Philosopher said:

I would say where to buy house insurance for when the candles set the
house on fire, how too get wax out of polished table tops, How to get
the ruddy tree lights working again and where to get spare bulbs, and
how to store all the decorations so they don't hang around for ages
afterwards.

... or better yet, don't buy decorations at all since they are either
tat or overpriced tat.


Alternatively how to join up with like minded mates for a Christmas in
some isolated spot with a good hotel to avoid the rest of the family,
would be welcome.

... that's the best idea. I would love to find such a place.

"fred" wrote in message
...

"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
. uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They
want the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

How about 'get a life'?

I think "Bah Humbug!" would have been more appropriate. You must be a barrel
of fun in the festive season..

Andy Hall wrote:
On 2006-11-09 10:41:00 +0000, The Natural Philosopher said:

I would say where to buy house insurance for when the candles set the
house on fire, how too get wax out of polished table tops, How to get
the ruddy tree lights working again and where to get spare bulbs, and
how to store all the decorations so they don't hang around for ages
afterwards.

.. or better yet, don't buy decorations at all since they are either tat
or overpriced tat.


Alternatively how to join up with like minded mates for a Christmas in
some isolated spot with a good hotel to avoid the rest of the family,
would be welcome.

.. that's the best idea. I would love to find such a place.




I'm sure some enterprising hotelier is offering such an arrangement.
Xmas day is a nice time to go into London and have a Chinese in Soho, or
an Indian in Southall

"The Natural Philosopher" wrote in message
...
....
Alternatively how to join up with like minded mates for a Christmas in
some isolated spot with a good hotel to avoid the rest of the family,
would be welcome.

I normally head for North Africa, unless Ramadan happens to coincide with
the Christmas holiday period.

Colin Bignell

On 2006-11-09 16:01:50 +0000, Stuart Noble said:

Andy Hall wrote:
On 2006-11-09 10:41:00 +0000, The Natural Philosopher said:

I would say where to buy house insurance for when the candles set the
house on fire, how too get wax out of polished table tops, How to get
the ruddy tree lights working again and where to get spare bulbs, and
how to store all the decorations so they don't hang around for ages
afterwards.

.. or better yet, don't buy decorations at all since they are either
tat or overpriced tat.


Alternatively how to join up with like minded mates for a Christmas in
some isolated spot with a good hotel to avoid the rest of the family,
would be welcome.

.. that's the best idea. I would love to find such a place.




I'm sure some enterprising hotelier is offering such an arrangement.
Xmas day is a nice time to go into London and have a Chinese in Soho,
or an Indian in Southall

Good thought......

On Wed, 08 Nov 2006 23:27:33 GMT, "The Medway Handyman"
wrote:


I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Hints on rewiring the street lights to make a glide slope indicator
for the sleigh?

--
Peter Parry.
http://www.wpp.ltd.uk/

Peter Parry wrote:
On Wed, 08 Nov 2006 23:27:33 GMT, "The Medway Handyman"
wrote:


I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is
swept so Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Hints on rewiring the street lights to make a glide slope indicator
for the sleigh?

And while you're at it, explain how a 600lb ruminant is capable of wingless
flight

In message , The Medway
Handyman writes
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

You mean like posting a recipe for mince pies?

How to knit / darn a sock


--
geoff

In message , nightjar
writes

"The Natural Philosopher" wrote in message
...
...
Alternatively how to join up with like minded mates for a Christmas in
some isolated spot with a good hotel to avoid the rest of the family,
would be welcome.

I normally head for North Africa, unless Ramadan happens to coincide with
the Christmas holiday period.

That's at least 3 years away

--
geoff

Phil L wrote:

And while you're at it, explain how a 600lb ruminant is capable of wingless
flight

Trebuchet?


--
Cheers,

John.

/================================================== ===============\
| Internode Ltd - http://www.internode.co.uk |
|-----------------------------------------------------------------|
| John Rumm - john(at)internode(dot)co(dot)uk |
\================================================= ================/

"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
.uk...
"The Medway Handyman" wrote in
message . uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They
want the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is
swept so Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

Have you asked the editor if that is what is wanted? If I were the
editor I would be hoping for something along the lines of how to fix
a Christmas tree securely, how to get the tree lights working, how
safely to put up decorations, etc.

Yes. She loved it.

I'm glad to hear that. When I used to edit a local magazine, far too many
contributors sent in spoof articles without checking whether they were
wanted. Had I published them all, in some months there would have been
little real content.

How about instructions for making the perfect snowball or a snowman? Given
your presumed location, it is not likely anyone will get a chance to test
the instructions.

Colin Bignell

Andy wrote:
"The Medway Handyman" wrote in message
. uk...

Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They want
the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept so
Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?


You could try and take the mickey out of the health and safety directorate
and how they would try and regulate Santa and his trip to your house. You
know, hazard analysis, warning signs, not leaving anything about Santa might
stumble on etc. Or maybe bring the planning people in for a swipe.

Huh? What has planning got to do with Xmas and/or DIY?
Oh, except for steaming Joe Public insisting that their application for
a ridiculous unsightly extension absolutely must be through by Christmas )

Z.

On Thu, 09 Nov 2006 23:57:17 GMT, "Phil L"
wrote:


And while you're at it, explain how a 600lb ruminant is capable of wingless
flight

Strap on JATO packs.
--
Peter Parry.
http://www.wpp.ltd.uk/

The message
from Peter Parry contains these words:

And while you're at it, explain how a 600lb ruminant is capable of
wingless
flight

Strap on JATO packs.

This has the makings of an urban myth.

--
Skipweasel
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

The message
from Peter Parry contains these words:

And while you're at it, explain how a 600lb ruminant is capable of
wingless
flight

Once again - no one is reading NewScientist - where a report has suggested
that super conductors and rapidly rotating things can change the mass of
gravitons, implying that anti-gravity, tractor beams and repulsors etc might
be possible (in the same sense that travel through worm holes might be
possible if one just had a convenient black hole).

It is well known that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole, and the North
Pole is very, very cold, probably cold enough to render the reindeer's shoes
superconducting. The rotation is supplied by small silver balls that are
spun at very high rates (the reason why baubles are put on Xmas trees). This
also explains why Santa Claus comes around in the eraly hours of a mid
winter morning - this is to keep the sleigh cool and keep the
superconductors superconducting.

Of course it's just possible that I have got the science slightly
confused....

Andy

"fred" verbally sodomised in
:


"The Medway Handyman" wrote in
message . uk...
Hi All

I write a regular 'Handyman Hints' column for a local magazine. They
want the December one to have an Xmas theme.

I thought of doing a spoof article e.g. make sure the chimney is swept
so Santa can get down OK, leave parking space for sleigh etc.

Any ideas on this theme?

How about 'get a life'?




Why don't you post as Ray Cutler any more?

--
Phil Kyle™

T
h i
i s
s l
f i l
S o n o
i u e n
g r s g

The message
from "Andy McKenzie" contains these words:

Once again - no one is reading NewScientist - where a report has suggested
that super conductors and rapidly rotating things can change the mass of
gravitons,

So, we've got to get the buttered toast/cat arrays fully up to speed and
we're in business.

--
Skipweasel
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.