I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe) Female
cashier gets ticked off.

Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"

Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"

Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders why
they are all laughing.

Others?

That's funny. I work as a maintenance mechanic in an office building
and I had a screwdriver and pliers on my belt . One of the secretary's
I guess wanted to borrow my screwdriver for a second so she says " Can
I borrow your tool?"
I said "Which one?"
She says " the long one"
I said " Well, they're both long., so I'll give you both".
We both started laughing, as well as the other women in the office.

There used to a a bob the builder web site. Bob The Builder is a kids
show/cartoon that follows a handyman named bob, bob has a friend wendy whom
he helps with projects. Other friends are a tractor and other talking tools.

There was a game my kids found on the bob the builder web site. I think its
long gone. put the game involved putting together pieces of pipe before the
water could run out the end of the pipe.

The lable for this game BOB LAYS PIPE AT WENDY'S.

I still laugh out loud when I think oif that one!


Lets see, here are some other words that can be used to elicit a chuckle.
hammer
nail
nipple
union
pipe
tool
nuts
rod
flapper
"pee" trap
dikes




"Bill" wrote in message
...
I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe) Female
cashier gets ticked off.

Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"

Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"

Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders why
they are all laughing.

Others?

I was working at a factory up north and needed a small cardboard box to
put some small parts in. as i went through an office area with my
hands full of parts, a secretary asked what I needed. I said I wished
I had a small box. She said "Me too!". I turned red and left the
area. I was about 16 at the time, I would guess she was about 50.

Stretch

crank yankers (comedy central) called a home improvement store and
asked if they had caulk. Then asked the difference between white and
colored. The follow up to that was what does it taste like? And the
puppet said "Gee I don't know hold on a minute" and stuck the tube in
his mouth.
we still joke @ the job site when someone asks where is the caulk?
Someone always chuckles "what does it taste like?"

"Bill" wrote in message
...
I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

A neighbor's daughter, just out of high school, got a job at a local
factory.

When she got home that night when asked what the job consisted of she
announced, " They pay me for screwing all day"

Charlie

When she got home that night when asked what the job consisted of she
announced, " They pay me for screwing all day"

Nice work if you can get it...

-Tim

I did the nipples thing last week.

As soon as I walked in the door of my local hardware store, the heavy
female sales clerk says in a loud voice, "Can I help you find
something?".

I said in an equally loud voice, "I want to see your nipples". She
grinned and headed to the back with me.






On Tue, 13 Sep 2005 13:47:08 -0400, "No" wrote:

There used to a a bob the builder web site. Bob The Builder is a kids
show/cartoon that follows a handyman named bob, bob has a friend wendy whom
he helps with projects. Other friends are a tractor and other talking tools.

There was a game my kids found on the bob the builder web site. I think its
long gone. put the game involved putting together pieces of pipe before the
water could run out the end of the pipe.

The lable for this game BOB LAYS PIPE AT WENDY'S.

I still laugh out loud when I think oif that one!


Lets see, here are some other words that can be used to elicit a chuckle.
hammer
nail
nipple
union
pipe
tool
nuts
rod
flapper
"pee" trap
dikes




"Bill" wrote in message
...
I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe) Female
cashier gets ticked off.

Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"

Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"

Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders why
they are all laughing.

Others?

"Sherman" wrote in message
...

I did the nipples thing last week.

As soon as I walked in the door of my local hardware store, the heavy
female sales clerk says in a loud voice, "Can I help you find
something?".

I said in an equally loud voice, "I want to see your nipples". She
grinned and headed to the back with me.

And did she show you her nipples?

Naw, you don't get paid an hourly wage. It's piece work.

Dave M.

On Tue, 13 Sep 2005 09:08:31 -0700, "Bill"
wrote:

I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe) Female
cashier gets ticked off.

Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"

Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"

Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders why
they are all laughing.

Others?

I asked my ex-wife to go to the local hardware store for a half-inch
female sill cock. She though it was a joke and refused. "females
don't have them" she said. I had to write her a note to give to the
clerk before she would go for it!

Dan

On Tue, 13 Sep 2005 17:39:42 -0500, "PanHandler"
wrote:


"Sherman" wrote in message
.. .

I did the nipples thing last week.

As soon as I walked in the door of my local hardware store, the heavy
female sales clerk says in a loud voice, "Can I help you find
something?".

I said in an equally loud voice, "I want to see your nipples". She
grinned and headed to the back with me.

And did she show you her nipples?


Sure, and they were 1 inch long.

Years ago there was an electrical supply company called "Hughes-Peters".
One of the secretaries at our office never quite understood the name and it
showed one day when a co-worker received an order.

One day over the PA system we hear... "Steve, you have a Hugh Peters
delivery in the front lobby". Took her a while to figure out why everyone
was laughing...

Mike O.

"Bill" wrote in message
...
I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe) Female
cashier gets ticked off.

Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"

Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"

Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders why
they are all laughing.

Others?

My favorite story along these lines....

Years ago I worked for a small electronics company.

We occasionally bought stuff from an electrical supplier named Graybar
Electric. The secretary (who happened to be the bosses wife) always
called them gaybar.

One day I wrote up a purchase requisition to Graybar for one of those
telephone block punch down tools used to insert wires into the
terminal blocks. It happens that it was manufactured by Siemens.

I handed the req to Sally so she could place the order. She read over
what I had written and said "Seems appropriate to order a semen
insertion tool from gaybar".

Still chuckling,

Paul

"Bill" wrote in message
...
I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....
Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe)
Female
cashier gets ticked off.
Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a
screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier
standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"
Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"
Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders
why
they are all laughing.

This is slightly off the hardware topic but allegedly true . . .

Last Testimony: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing
for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor
who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to
the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that eight inches you
promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half
the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

About 25 years ago, I worked the graveyard shift - 11pm to 7:30am. The plant
has a paging system so if, for example, you needed an electrician at the #4
electron beam welder, you picked up a sound-powered phone and told the person
doing the paging what you wanted. They would page "Electrician to #4 EB
welder". It's pretty efficient; you don't have to go looking for the person you
need. Just have them paged & they'll come to the job.

Anyway, a person new in the plant was filling in doing the paging one night.
This person didn't know people's names, or machine names, so she just repeated
through the PA whatever was requested. After a couple pages for coffee pot
repair, some people got more creative. We started hearing pages for .....

Jack Mehoff
Hugh Jardon
Harry Bush report to the Long Wang
etc.

After about 15 minutes of this, she finally caught on, and we heard "Jack
Mehoff, Jack me....AWW ****!"

Sophomoric perhaps, but at 3:30am, what do you want?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Retired Shop Rat: 14,647 days in a GM plant.
Now I can do what I enjoy: Large Format Photography

Web Site: www.destarr.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Bill" wrote in message
...
I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe) Female
cashier gets ticked off.

Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"

Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"

Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders why
they are all laughing.

Others?



Surprised this thread went on so long with no one mentioning electricians
working with conduit needing,......

......WIRE PULLING LUBRICANT


AMUN

In case you haven't run across thes airport PA announcement pranks:
http://ourpointlesslives.com/announcements/

R

Amun wrote:



Surprised this thread went on so long with no one mentioning electricians
working with conduit needing,......

.....WIRE PULLING LUBRICANT


AMUN



Surpised? Why? It's stupid and makes little sense considering the topic.

Just like all of your dufus posts.

I used to work for Ace Hardware. When a woman would come in asking to
have a key made the old guys would always ask "So you want new-key"?

Mort



On Tue, 13 Sep 2005 09:08:31 -0700, "Bill"
wrote:

I once worked in a hardware/lumber store and heard some funny questions
asked at times, mostly by women....

Where is your caulk?

I need some caulk.

Where can I find a stud?

Guy asking new female cashier: Where are your nipples? (small pipe) Female
cashier gets ticked off.

Old lady comes in, tells young female cashier up front she needs a screw,
so female cashier walks her to back of store. Then female cashier standing
behind lady says "Bill, this lady needs a screw. Can you help her?"

Lady says she needs a plug.
I say "male or female?"
She says "What's the difference?"
Me (blushing): "Well I'll just show you." (I show her male and female
plug.)
Lady (now blushing too): "Oh I get it!"

Guy comes in and asks female cashier if she has a "6 inch hole slight
pause saw". Guys standing around crack up laughing, cashier wonders why
they are all laughing.

Others?

1-800-370-WOOD

Thought of a new one. I'm working on installing a wood stove and bought
some caulk which is rated to 500 degrees.

So send the wife to the hardware store and tell her to ask for some "hot
caulk"...

On Sun, 18 Sep 2005 09:42:18 -0700, "Bill"
wrote:

Thought of a new one. I'm working on installing a wood stove and bought
some caulk which is rated to 500 degrees.

So send the wife to the hardware store and tell her to ask for some "hot
caulk"...


Not to worry. She's been here looking for that before


The hardware store guy