The Victim, having FINALLY suceeded in "activating" DreawmWeaver CS3
1.1,
began The Next Step To Recovery - installing Adobe LightRoom, the
recomended
by Adobe Sales cousin of the version of Adobe PhotoShop he HAD been
using
on The Old Apple G3. Confident that since it was a) recomended by
Adobe Sales
(in retrospect you have to wonder why that assumption was made) and b)
was purchased as New and at Full Retail Price - no special upgrade
"deals" - for
Mac OS 1.5, aka Leopard - the installation would go as effortlessly as
all
the other software (and hardware) installations he'd done on The Old Mac
G3.

He was right - sort of. The INSTALLATION of the software went as
expected
- put the CD in the computer, open it and click on Install. A few
minutes later
he opened Lightroom and began exploring - 1ooking for the Old PhotoShop
functions he needed - Curves, Layers, Brightness/Contrast,
Hue/Saturation
- tools he'd been using - Magic Wand, Clone, "fences/selction', Crop,
Line , Text
- and Filters - Sharpen and its cousing Blur.

Given the available MODES in LightRoom - one being "WEB" - he started
with
"WEB MODE" - and noted that half of the precious "screen real estate"
was
taken up by Menus he had no idea what to do with. Fifteen minutes of
"see
what this does" and he moved on to DEVELOP. Finding little there
familiar
he moved on to LIBRARY. There he found something familiar - generate
a clickable CATALOGUE of thumb nails which, by clicking on a thumbnail,
opened the selected image full size - to work on. Unfortunately, this
functionality was not part of the Old PhotoShop, but rather a feature
of a ShareWare package called Graphic Converter.

In an hour, The Victim a) couldn't find most of the functions he was
looking for and b) was less than thrilled about all the screen clutter
of the multitude of menus.

Faced with calling SALES or CUSTOMER SERVICE (the latter being
ANYTHING BUT "customer service" based on his recent experienceS),
with trepidation, he dialed the number to Adobe Sales.

Ring - Ring - Click ----- MUZAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now this doesn't rise to the Torture Meter level of Water Boarding,
which
The Bush Administration insists SHOULD NOT be "called" torture at
all since it's "merely ENHANCED INTEROGATION", but being forced to
listen
to MUZAK for twenty minutes has to be on the lower to mid range on
the Torture Meter. I believe psychologists refer to what The Victim
was being subjected to as Aversion Therapy - to discourage an
undesirable
"behavior" you subject the "subject" (or as the person on the receiving
end calls it - The Victim) to Negative Rewards (read Electric Shock,
Loud Noise(s), a Cold Shower - or in this case MIND NUMBING, BRAIN
FUNCTION SUPPRESSING, ANGER GENERATING - M U Z A K !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
to and "unpleasant experience".

But The Victim is one of those "tenacious/bullheaded" S.O.B.s who
Stays The Course - No Matter What. And after a mere five minutes
of Finger Drumming and Teeth Gnashing - his perserverence is
rewarded - he hears a human voice - that he can effortlessly
understand is speaking - english! His face de-contorts and he begins
to describe that LightRoom, which Adobe Sales assured him had
the Old PhotoShop functions he'd specified earlier, and which he
bought - actually received, successfully installed and TRIED to
use - DID NOT have the functionality he, The Victim, needed.

"Of course it doesn't" - the Sales Voice says. "What you NEED
is PhotoShop Elements" - the voice continues.

At this point The Victim protests - "I've used PhotoShop Elements"
- it's come with every printer/scanner and digital camera I've
owned - and IT'S A JOKE! Has no real power and it SUCKS!"

Sales Voice: "You're right - the OLD versions of Elements SUCKED.
It was put out as a very low end intro to
PhotoShop
- sort of like bait to hook folks on the far more
expensive PhotoShop.
But - the NEW Elements, version 6.0, HAS all the
functions you specified - and MORE."

The Victim: "And - it's only ....."

Sales Voice: "Are you ready for this? SEVENTY NINE DOLLARS!"

The Victim: I'll take it! AND I want to pay the extra $4 to get it
shipped to me in TWO days - NOT the defaults
Five To Seven BUSINESS DAYS.

Sales Voice: Great, I'll get that out to you TODAY.
Anything else I can do for you?

The Victim: Who do I send the $299 LightRoom back to?

Sales Voice: Oh that won't be necessary. ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO - is go to the Adobe Website, download a copy
of The Letter Of Software Destruction, print it,
fill in the boxes, sign it - and FAX it to Adobe
and
we'll refund your money.

The Victim: But I DON'T HAVE A FAX. Who uses FAXes anymore
when there's e-mail?

Sales Voice: Then what you need is our special editable PDF
version of The Letter Of Software Destruction.
Open the pdf file, fill in the blanks and follow
the rest of the instructions.

The Victim: I can't believe how easy what I thought would be a
nightmare has been taken care of. THANKS!

Foolish Victim - dumb enough to actually beleive that what he'd
next experience would be easy - cause it wasn't.

Since the browsers on his Old Familiar computer DON'T WORK
for the Adobe Web Site - he had to switch to his New Computer,
the one with the Newest Version of Safari - Apple's comes with
the computer - super duper web browser.

Then, once again, he was faced with Adobe's "site navigation"
(which I'm sure is modeled on the "navigation" of MicroSoft's
web site) - which is designed specifically to SELL a visitor/
victim something - not to provide a customer with info and
assistance.

After a half an hour of trying the potentially obvious click
paths to The Letter Of Software Destructions - he was forced
to use the "Site Search" feature ("feature" actually meaning
"toruture device").

Having typed "Letter Of Software Destruction" in the "box"
he hits the "search icon" - and gets (wait for it)
TWENTY THREE PAGES OF "HITS", ten "hits" per page.
By the time he's slogged through three and a half pages
of possibilities he gives up - broken, but unbowed. He'll
fight THAT battle - AFTER he gets Elements 6.0.

Two "working days" later, Elements 6.0 arrives - wait for it
- for Windows XP - with Service Pack 2 - and Vista.

AH SON OF A %@&***($#%%%%#%$%^())__%%$$$ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But wait - even though that's what is says on the side of the
box - maybe, just maybe - this is a Dual Platform Version.

So he pops the CD into his New Computer - and opens it
- foolishly hoping that SOMEBODY at Adobe HASN'T screwed
up - again - hope springing eternal once more.

AH SON OF A %@&***($#%%%%#%$%^())__%%$$$ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS A "WINDOWS" VERSION!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna find the
Mo Fo who screwed me AGAIN - and I'm gonna wring his
F**KING NECK - AFTER I SUBJECT THE SOB TO SOME
"ENHANCED INTEROGATION TECHNIQUES!

After a One Day Cooling Off Period, The Victim ONCE MORE
prepares to do battle with Adobe. He sharpens his weapons
- a handfull of No.2 Pencils and gets a ream of paper out,
picks up the phone and dials The Customer Support Number.

Ring - Ring - Click ----- MUZAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Followed by the "Welcome to Adobe's Customer Service"
phone tree introduction. When the selection for the
"service" he needs FINALLY comes around he presses
it's number on his touch tone phone.

Ring - Ring - Click ----- MUZAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Customer Service Voice: Uninetliigible sounds from a female
voice, the only barely
recognizable
word being something that might be "Adobe".

The Victim: I can't understand you - please speak slowly and
clearly.

Customer Service Voice: Dis - es - cuss tom air - say - er - vezz,
Maiegh - eye - hay-vuh - u-erh -
fahr -
s - t - nay - um - pa - leah -
zeeee.

The Victim: Koo - d - eu - pa - leah - zeee - kawn - nek - me - to
sahm - wun - hooooo - sap - pee - kahs - en -
glishch?

Customer Service Voice: Ser - ahee - sap - pee - kah - parh - fe
- ka - en - gli - shaw. Ha - oh
- wah
kahn aieye - be - auhf - ah -
sisssst
ahhhhh -nst?

The Victim: Can you speak Spanish? (since "english" isn't working
he figures he's got nothing to lose by trying for
Spanish)

Click ----- MUZAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AH SON OF A %@&***($#%%%%#%$%^())__%%$$$ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just as he's ready to hurl the phone through the nearest
window of his home - another human voice

The Voice: Welcome to Adobe Customer Service. May I have
your first name?

The Victim: Before I give you MY first name, would you please
give me your FULL Name - and location - either
the City and Country, or at least which hemisphere
where you are located?

The Voice: My name is Carol and I'm located in Adobe's India
Call Center. Now may I have your first name please?

The Victim: Sure - it's Clint - Clint Eastwood (he resists the
temptation to add "Do you feel lucky - PUNK?
Well do you - PUNK?")

The Voice: How may I be of assistance today - Clint?

The Victim: I paid for a Mac OS 10.5 - aka Leopard - version of
Photo Shop Elements Six Point Oh - and got the
Windows XP With Service Pack 2 or Vista version.

Then there's the give me the serial number of what you received
- yup - that's the wrong software for your computer and operating
system. I will put in the order to ship you the CORRECT version
of the program - for "free" - and I aplogize for the "inconvenience"

Now The Victim has become HYPER SENSITIVE to the use of words.
"Free" and "Inconvenient" trigger a RAGE RESPONSE.

The Victim: Lady, "free" means it doesn't cost ANYTHING. I've
waited for the product I PAID FOR to be delivered
and I've "SPENT" a couple of hours now trying to
GET what I PAID FOR - so this transaction is NOT
"FREE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND - the insane ORDEAL I've been through with
Adobe in NO WAY even remotely can be described
by the word INCONVENIENCE.

SO - please choose your words carefully.

How long will it take for me to actually RECEIVE
what I PAID FOR ALREADY?

The Voice: Five to Seven Days, and those are "working days"
- at no cost to you.

The Victim: NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT. You WILL overnight me
the product I BOUGHT AND PAID FOR.

The Voice: I'm terribly sorry sir - but I cannot do THAT.

The Victim: I want to speak with YOUR supervisor - and if
you put me on hold - I'll do whatever is necessary
to find YOU - anywhere on this planet - and
"persuade" you to introduce me to your supervisor.
I have been put on hold by people in your "service
center" and then disconnected too many times
before. So put the phone on the desk, go find
your supervisor and hand him - or her - your phone.

(background sounds of a Call Center - for the next five minutes)

New Voice: Hello Clint - this is Robert - can you hear me?

The Victim: Yes I can hear you.

New Voice: Clint - can you hear me?

The Victim: Yes, I can hear you Robert.

New Voice: I can't hear you Clint. Can you hear ME?

(repeat this exchange three more times)

New Voice: I can't hear you Clint. I'm hanging up now.
Please call back.

DIAL TONE

AH SON OF A %@&***($#%%%%#%$%^())__%%$$$ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
%@&***($#%%%%#%$%^())__%%$$$
*!@#$%^&*()###%%%%%%%@!!!&&&&)))&^$$#$$%%%%$$$#### !!!!!!!!

The victim googles "hit man" + India and begins looking for
a "local expiditer" in India. And lo and behold - there's an
800 Number!

The Victim: They're not going to get off the hook that easy.

more touch tone button pressing and it's back to
Ring - Ring - Click ----- MUZAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then, in his time of need, The Victim encounters
- an angel - who speaks english - with a slight New
Zealand accent - named RANDALL - who also happens
to be in Manila, the Phillipines.

Randall: Welcome to Adobe Customer Service. May I
have your first name please?

The Victim: Before I give you my first name, may I have
YOUR name, preferably your FULL NAME
- and location?

Randall: Certainly. My name is Randall - spelled R - A
- N - D - A - L - L and I'm speaking
to you from Adobe's Manila Customer
Support Center. How may I help you
- sir?

The Victim: Oh thank GOD! You speak english! I'm
overjoyed Randall! My name is (and he
gives her his real name).

Randall: What can I do FOR YOU today?

The Victim repeats the very abbreviated version of the
ordeal he's experience so far - and quickly gets to
You Sent Me The Wrong Version of the software I bought
and paid for - that's been confirmed by you folks already
but here's the TWENTY FOUR DIGIT serial number when
you're ready for it.

Randall: I'm going to put the phone down - and I WON'T
put you on hold - while I check things out on
this end. Give me your phone number so I
can call you back if ANYTHING for ANY reason
goes wrong. And my last name is (and she
spells out her last name).

The Victim is now in tears, overwhelmed by the kindness
and consideration Randall has shown him - after all the
abuse he's experienced with his earlier dealingSSSSSS with
Adobe. He begins designing the Randall Appreciation Monument
he plans to erect in honor of this Helpful Individual.

Randall: Sir - the correct version of the software you orderd
and paid for is being shipped Two Day FedEx and
I aplogize for the horrible experience you had to
endure. NO Adobe customer should ever be subjected
to that level of horrible service.

Is there anything else I can do for you today?

The Victim takes a moment to compose himself, wiping the
tears of joy from his eyes.

The Victim: Oh bless you Randall. My children and my children's
children will bless your name for as long as they
live.

To Whom, within Adobe, should I be commending my
appreciation and praise for the service you have
provided me?

And THAT's how The Victim got an actual e-mail address for
ANYONE at Adobe.

Randall: Again, my apologies on behalf of Adobe for what you
experienced. I hope I was able to make your day a
little better. Have a nice day.

Dial Tone.

It was an hour of dancing and singing and celebrating - filled
with Thank God For Randalls - before The Victim began his
e-mail message to Adobe singing The Praises of Randall!

And then he rested - exhausted - but filled with hope - and
waited for The Right Software To Arrive.

Tune in Monday for the Next Installment of

OT - Globalization - Computer Migration - Software Upgrading

charlie b

ps - I found X11 included in Mac OS 10.5 (Leopard) and have
started looking at the open source software that MAY
free me from Adobe. THANKS for making me aware of
this promising alternative to "Customer Service? We've
Already Got YOUR MONEY - So Why Should We Provide
Any Service - At All?