Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Bugger what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what
you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right?... right! So you think
three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Fetch the biggest nail in your tool box

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!

On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:03:58 -0000, mark wrote:

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Also known as provocative maintenance.
--
Peter.
You don't understand Newton's Third Law of Motion?
It's not rocket science, you know.

In article ,
PeterC wrote:
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Also known as provocative maintenance.

Or repetitive posting of something years old...

--
*TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself *

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:46:08 +0000, PeterC
wrote:

On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:03:58 -0000, mark wrote:

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Also known as provocative maintenance.

Hope they're not going to say that about my Haynes manual when it
comes out...


Regards,



--
Stephen Howard
Woodwind repairs & period restorations
http://www.shwoodwind.co.uk

In article ,
Stephen Howard wrote:
On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:46:08 +0000, PeterC
wrote:

On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:03:58 -0000, mark wrote:

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Also known as provocative maintenance.

Hope they're not going to say that about my Haynes manual when it
comes out...

Interesting. Let us know when it does. Most of the Haynes specialist
subject manuals are pretty good - unlike the car ones.
One I reckon is particularly good is the (car) Electrical and Electronics
Systems.


Regards,

--
*Gravity is a myth, the earth sucks *

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

mark wrote:

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.


What I never understood is why the reasons they were so ruddy useless
were so obvious, yet they never did anything about it, just kept
churning out junk grade manuals. I eventually learnt go buy the mfr's
workshop manual, forget Haynes. More money, yes, but well worth it.

BTW the one about removing sparkplugs does work, I even used it once.
Perhaps the manual forgot to mention that you remove only half of
them, so the starter gets twice the runup to get over each
compression. Push starting is quicker though


NT

In article
,
wrote:
What I never understood is why the reasons they were so ruddy useless
were so obvious, yet they never did anything about it, just kept
churning out junk grade manuals. I eventually learnt go buy the mfr's
workshop manual, forget Haynes. More money, yes, but well worth it.

Unfortunately proper maker's manuals are rare these days. Although some
are available on CD. Which never seem so good as 'properly' written ones.

--
*It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 12:38:01 +0000 (GMT), "Dave Plowman (News)"
wrote:

In article ,
Stephen Howard wrote:
On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:46:08 +0000, PeterC
wrote:

On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 09:03:58 -0000, mark wrote:

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Also known as provocative maintenance.

Hope they're not going to say that about my Haynes manual when it
comes out...

Interesting. Let us know when it does. Most of the Haynes specialist
subject manuals are pretty good - unlike the car ones.
One I reckon is particularly good is the (car) Electrical and Electronics
Systems.

Should be out by Christmas, all being well.

I've always found them invaluable - even when I've bought the official
workshop manuals. Kept my Avengers going between the two manuals, and
complete rebuilt a 88" SIII Landy in the same manner.

I now own a car that doesn't have an associated Haynes manual - and
it's a complete PITA at times.

Regards,



--
Stephen Howard
Woodwind repairs & period restorations
http://www.shwoodwind.co.uk

Dave Plowman (News) coughed up some electrons that declared:

In article
,
wrote:
What I never understood is why the reasons they were so ruddy useless
were so obvious, yet they never did anything about it, just kept
churning out junk grade manuals. I eventually learnt go buy the mfr's
workshop manual, forget Haynes. More money, yes, but well worth it.

Unfortunately proper maker's manuals are rare these days. Although some
are available on CD. Which never seem so good as 'properly' written ones.


Indeed. I make a habit of getting them for any car I have on principle.

The Daewoo Lanos was the best - just a CDROM full of PDFs.

Mini and VW both come on umpteen CDs and want to install everything on the
PC including a wibbly fat viewer program that's IMHO crap compared to just
loading up a PDF and printing the relevant few pages.

Cheers

Tim

On 18 Jan, 13:58, "Dave Plowman (News)" wrote:

Unfortunately proper maker's manuals are rare these days. Although some
are available on CD. Which never seem so good as 'properly' written ones.

The DS is great: lots of original Citroen manuals have been scanned in
- with Citroen's blessing - in an international user effort and are
available for free download. You just print the pages you need for the
job and chuck 'em away afterwards.

Ian

In article
,
The Real Doctor wrote:
Unfortunately proper maker's manuals are rare these days. Although
some are available on CD. Which never seem so good as 'properly'
written ones.

The DS is great: lots of original Citroen manuals have been scanned in
- with Citroen's blessing - in an international user effort and are
available for free download. You just print the pages you need for the
job and chuck 'em away afterwards.

I sort of meant for new cars - in other words traditional manuals for them
don't exist.

I'd expect anyone with a DS to be happy to pay for a proper manual -
assuming they exist in English. Many now officially out of print from the
maker have been copied and republished by others.

Of course if it's available on line you could always print your own copy.

--
*There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works *

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

wrote:
mark wrote:

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.


What I never understood is why the reasons they were so ruddy useless
were so obvious, yet they never did anything about it, just kept
churning out junk grade manuals. I eventually learnt go buy the mfr's
workshop manual, forget Haynes. More money, yes, but well worth it.

BTW the one about removing sparkplugs does work, I even used it once.
Perhaps the manual forgot to mention that you remove only half of
them, so the starter gets twice the runup to get over each
compression. Push starting is quicker though


NT

The one time I bought the manufacturer's manual, I was somewhat hacked
off to find out how many things were 'missing' or inferior on mine
compared with the models sold in other markets. Example: In most other
markets they had energy absorbing bumpers utilising something like shock
absorbers; on mine they were simply bolted on.

--
Rod

Hypothyroidism is a seriously debilitating condition with an insidious
onset.
Although common it frequently goes undiagnosed.
www.thyromind.info www.thyroiduk.org www.altsupportthyroid.org

On Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:22:06 +0000, Rod wrote:

-------------------8
The one time I bought the manufacturer's manual, I was somewhat hacked
off to find out how many things were 'missing' or inferior on mine
compared with the models sold in other markets. Example: In most other
markets they had energy absorbing bumpers utilising something like shock
absorbers; on mine they were simply bolted on.

Typical of the contempt with which British manufacturers regarded their
home market.
No wonder they lost it.

Appelation Controlee wrote:
On Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:22:06 +0000, Rod wrote:

-------------------8
The one time I bought the manufacturer's manual, I was somewhat hacked
off to find out how many things were 'missing' or inferior on mine
compared with the models sold in other markets. Example: In most other
markets they had energy absorbing bumpers utilising something like shock
absorbers; on mine they were simply bolted on.

Typical of the contempt with which British manufacturers regarded their
home market.
No wonder they lost it.

It was that famous British brand, Honda. :-)

--
Rod

Hypothyroidism is a seriously debilitating condition with an insidious
onset.
Although common it frequently goes undiagnosed.
www.thyromind.info www.thyroiduk.org www.altsupportthyroid.org

On Mon, 19 Jan 2009 09:18:19 +0000, Rod wrote:

Appelation Controlee wrote:
On Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:22:06 +0000, Rod wrote:

-------------------8
The one time I bought the manufacturer's manual, I was somewhat hacked
off to find out how many things were 'missing' or inferior on mine
compared with the models sold in other markets. Example: In most other
markets they had energy absorbing bumpers utilising something like shock
absorbers; on mine they were simply bolted on.

Typical of the contempt with which British manufacturers regarded their
home market.
No wonder they lost it.

It was that famous British brand, Honda. :-)

Ach!

In article ,
Rod wrote:
The one time I bought the manufacturer's manual, I was somewhat hacked
off to find out how many things were 'missing' or inferior on mine
compared with the models sold in other markets. Example: In most other
markets they had energy absorbing bumpers utilising something like shock
absorbers; on mine they were simply bolted on.

Makers who export always have to conform to local markets. And the US
demanded bumpers which were at a uniform height and could survive a low
speed bump without damage - seems it was the fashion to park by touch over
there at that time. This lead to abortions like the last versions of the
MGB where they raised the overall height of the car and ruined the
handling, let alone the looks. Making is less safe to drive. And heavier
too - thus making it less efficient.

IMHO making cars which can survive parking knocks without damage simply
encourages careless driving and has no effect on overall safety in a real
accident.

--
*Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

On Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:22:06 +0000, Rod wrote:
The one time I bought the manufacturer's manual, I was somewhat hacked
off to find out how many things were 'missing' or inferior on mine
compared with the models sold in other markets.

I found all sorts of stuff missing or incorrect in the Triumph one
I had. The haynes one wasn't much better, but a combination of the two
was reasonable.

On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 05:39:00 -0800 (PST), wrote:

What I never understood is why the reasons they were so ruddy useless
were so obvious, yet they never did anything about it, just kept
churning out junk grade manuals. I eventually learnt go buy the mfr's
workshop manual, forget Haynes. More money, yes, but well worth it.

Which are great except that many just contained gems like this:

Use special tool abc123 to remove item xyz - said special tool from
the dealer was over half the purchase price of your (secondhand)
vehicle

Whereas the Haynes manual said "manufacture a puller as below" then
remove xyz

This paragraph was followed a fully dimensioned drawing, photographs
of the puller positioned correctly and in use.

But Haynes manuals went down the nick long ago, the last decent one I
probably used in anger was probably the mid 80's Mini one. By the mid
1990's it got reprinted on recycled partly used toilet paper.

Now,and for the past 20 years you open a Haynes manual and get

"this assembly is not user serviceable, buy a replacement or exchange
unit from your dealer"

"this assembly is not user serviceable, entrust the job to your local
dealer"

And as for now showing the spark plug photos in black and white. What
monochromatic ****wit thought that one up?


--

In article ,
Mike wrote:
Which are great except that many just contained gems like this:

Use special tool abc123 to remove item xyz - said special tool from
the dealer was over half the purchase price of your (secondhand)
vehicle

Of course. Those maker's manuals are produced by the factory for dealer's
use - not DIY. So they naturally give details of how to do the job most
efficiently to keep labour costs to a minimum.

Trouble with Haynes is they often say 'take the car to a dealer' when it's
not impossible to DIY a repair. Gearboxes are a favourite where they do
this. Especially autos. But both can often be DIY fixed with the
appropriate skills. And a maker's manual will usually give the overhaul
procedure so you can decide for yourself if a DIY fix is practical - even
although most dealers would just fit a new or exchange unit. And it can be
good to read up on such things even although they're working ok.

--
*Rehab is for quitters.

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

"Mike" wrote in message
...
On Sun, 18 Jan 2009 05:39:00 -0800 (PST), wrote:

What I never understood is why the reasons they were so ruddy useless
were so obvious, yet they never did anything about it, just kept
churning out junk grade manuals. I eventually learnt go buy the mfr's
workshop manual, forget Haynes. More money, yes, but well worth it.

Which are great except that many just contained gems like this:

Use special tool abc123 to remove item xyz - said special tool from
the dealer was over half the purchase price of your (secondhand)
vehicle

Whereas the Haynes manual said "manufacture a puller as below" then
remove xyz

Or the Haynes manual says "borrow this from your local BMC service garage"
in my old Mini one.

Being innocent, I tried this. "Could I possibly borrow your suspension
compression tool please?"

"F*ck off"

Ah. He eventually gave me a nut that fitted the end of it and I made my own.

Or the Haynes manual (Mini again) had a foreword from Paddy Hopkirk talking
about improvisation and how, on a rally, he had removed a stubborn inner
bearing race from a stub axle by "hitting it with two hammers from either
side and shattering it". I'll try that, I thought, having the same problem.

First shot a sliver of metal took a chunk out of my cheek.
Tried again with brother's fencing mask on. tiny sliver of metal went
through mask and just missed eye
Tried again with plastic sheet over mask. Beat it to b*ggery. No effect

Used heat in the end.


--
Bob Mannix
(anti-spam is as easy as 1-2-3 - not)
This paragraph was followed a fully dimensioned drawing, photographs
of the puller positioned correctly and in use.

But Haynes manuals went down the nick long ago, the last decent one I
probably used in anger was probably the mid 80's Mini one. By the mid
1990's it got reprinted on recycled partly used toilet paper.

Now,and for the past 20 years you open a Haynes manual and get

"this assembly is not user serviceable, buy a replacement or exchange
unit from your dealer"

"this assembly is not user serviceable, entrust the job to your local
dealer"

And as for now showing the spark plug photos in black and white. What
monochromatic ****wit thought that one up?


--

Dave Plowman (News) wrote:

Makers who export always have to conform to local markets. And the US
demanded bumpers which were at a uniform height and could survive a low
speed bump without damage - seems it was the fashion to park by touch over
there at that time.

A case of misuse of statistics. Analysis of insurance claims purported
to indicate lots of damage caused by impacts at less than 5mph. So 5mph
impact absorbing bumpers should have reduced the insurers costs. But
there was never any evidence, only an assertion on the claim form.


--
djc @work

djc wrote:
Dave Plowman (News) wrote:

Makers who export always have to conform to local markets. And the US
demanded bumpers which were at a uniform height and could survive a low
speed bump without damage - seems it was the fashion to park by touch over
there at that time.

A case of misuse of statistics. Analysis of insurance claims purported
to indicate lots of damage caused by impacts at less than 5mph. So 5mph
impact absorbing bumpers should have reduced the insurers costs. But
there was never any evidence, only an assertion on the claim form.


I have seen the police in the USA "shunting" a broken-down car by
pushing it along the road.

Andy