I have been almost completely occupied with my Father-in-law's
impending death for the last six weeks or so. If someone has sent me a
message and not recieved a reply that's the reason why. All the things
left unsaid for years are now being said. Lots of painful things that
the family has let fester. And now maybe less sincere than if adressed
at the proper time. My wife is finding out how important some things
are to her. The support she requires from me needs to be
non-judgemental. Her father still needs to face up to some things. Not
because anybody else thinks so, but because these things are still
unsettled in his mind. I can see him struggling with his feelings. His
ego fighting what he knows is the right thing to do. Hurt feelings
abound from actions way in the past. And as if all that isn't enough,
the people responsible for managing his pain are doing a terrible job.
There is no excuse for depriving a dying person relief from pain. And
the fear of overuse and addiction by a patient who has less than two
months to live is ridiculous. As a consequence his pain level swings
radically, dragging his mood along. Nurses were sent to his home to
help manage his pain who didn't even know the exact nature of the
opiates administered. Nurses that argued that certain drugs he was
taking were completely different chemicals when they were in fact just
packaged different or named different because of the difference
between generic and brand names. When the information about these
drugs is available on the FDA's website it is a wonder that these
nurses can be so mis-informed. Fortunately the wrong information has
been corrected. And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading.
Eric

"Eric R Snow" wrote in message
...
I have been almost completely occupied with my Father-in-law's
impending death for the last six weeks or so. If someone has sent me a
message and not recieved a reply that's the reason why. All the things
left unsaid for years are now being said. Lots of painful things that
the family has let fester. And now maybe less sincere than if adressed
at the proper time. My wife is finding out how important some things
are to her. The support she requires from me needs to be
non-judgemental. Her father still needs to face up to some things. Not
because anybody else thinks so, but because these things are still
unsettled in his mind. I can see him struggling with his feelings. His
ego fighting what he knows is the right thing to do. Hurt feelings
abound from actions way in the past. And as if all that isn't enough,
the people responsible for managing his pain are doing a terrible job.
There is no excuse for depriving a dying person relief from pain. And
the fear of overuse and addiction by a patient who has less than two
months to live is ridiculous. As a consequence his pain level swings
radically, dragging his mood along. Nurses were sent to his home to
help manage his pain who didn't even know the exact nature of the
opiates administered. Nurses that argued that certain drugs he was
taking were completely different chemicals when they were in fact just
packaged different or named different because of the difference
between generic and brand names. When the information about these
drugs is available on the FDA's website it is a wonder that these
nurses can be so mis-informed. Fortunately the wrong information has
been corrected. And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading.
Eric

You might not be looking for it, bud, but you've got it from me. Went
through this with my Father-in-law a while back. Bad situation for anyone
to deal with.

Garrett Fulton

On Mon, 28 Nov 2005 15:10:47 -0800, Eric R Snow wrote:

And as if all that isn't enough,
the people responsible for managing his pain are doing a terrible job.
There is no excuse for depriving a dying person relief from pain. And
the fear of overuse and addiction by a patient who has less than two
months to live is ridiculous.

Fire them. Now. If you have medical power of attourney, you will ****
them off, but getting pain control is the absolute first priority. Been
there, done that. My grandfather's doctors were playing God instead
of helping a terminal patient be comfortable. "more tests", my ass.
Give the man a PCA pump, NOW. They refused; we removed them from his
care and got real doctors who understand pain control in a terminal
patient.

Sorry if this sounds angry but I'm still ****ed off about it, 17 years
later, and your post brought it out. I assure you that I mean to be
supportive rather than attacking you but as usual I'm more blunt than
diplomatic. Get him better doctors. Hospice care is fantastic.


And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading.

Inexcusable that "professionals" wouldn't know what they're dealing
with. Not surprising, just inexcusable. If they don't stay "smarter",
do for him what you'd want done for you; get him to a place where
they'll make the inevitable less painful.

Again, sorry for the tone, but this dredged up some stuff I thought I'd
forgotten.

Dave Hinz

In article , Eric R Snow says...

... And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy.

Yet you deserve it anyway. Caring for an older relative under
those situations is unbelievably trying. I did this with my
mom all summer, this summer. Her outcome was fortunate, she's
been home from the nursing home about a month now and her
temporary illiostomy may well be reversed early next year.

Navigating the waters of the heath care industry takes more than
a GPS. I think you need to be a alchemist or something to do
the job.

FWIW I would say that in most cases the nurses and doctors mean
well and work hard, but are often ill-informed and don't communicate
well at all. With each others, and with family members as well.
In all the months I was involved in this, I never really did
find anyone who was mean-spirited or pretended to be something
they weren't. When they didn't know, they said so.

Grace under pressure is a precious commodity. Sounds like you
qualify. Good luck.

Jim


--
==================================================
please reply to:
JRR(zero) at pkmfgvm4 (dot) vnet (dot) ibm (dot) com
==================================================

On Mon, 28 Nov 2005 15:10:47 -0800, Eric R Snow
wrote:

I have been almost completely occupied with my Father-in-law's
impending death for the last six weeks or so. If someone has sent me a
message and not recieved a reply that's the reason why. All the things
left unsaid for years are now being said. Lots of painful things that
the family has let fester. And now maybe less sincere than if adressed
at the proper time. My wife is finding out how important some things
are to her. The support she requires from me needs to be
non-judgemental. Her father still needs to face up to some things. Not
because anybody else thinks so, but because these things are still
unsettled in his mind. I can see him struggling with his feelings. His
ego fighting what he knows is the right thing to do. Hurt feelings
abound from actions way in the past. And as if all that isn't enough,
the people responsible for managing his pain are doing a terrible job.
There is no excuse for depriving a dying person relief from pain. And
the fear of overuse and addiction by a patient who has less than two
months to live is ridiculous. As a consequence his pain level swings
radically, dragging his mood along. Nurses were sent to his home to
help manage his pain who didn't even know the exact nature of the
opiates administered. Nurses that argued that certain drugs he was
taking were completely different chemicals when they were in fact just
packaged different or named different because of the difference
between generic and brand names. When the information about these
drugs is available on the FDA's website it is a wonder that these
nurses can be so mis-informed. Fortunately the wrong information has
been corrected. And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading.
Eric

My respects and sympathy for what you are going through. Been there,
done that, expect to do it again someday.

Its not easy, its not fun, but Ive respect for you for doing it, none
the less.

Many people simply walk away.

Respects and deepest regards

Gunner

"Pax Americana is a philosophy. Hardly an empire.
Making sure other people play nice and dont kill each other (and us)
off in job lots is hardly empire building, particularly when you give
them self determination under "play nice" rules.

Think of it as having your older brother knock the **** out of you
for torturing the cat." Gunner

If you need anything or any "been there" advice... My sister and I pooled
our resources and pulled our parents out of nursing homes 6 years ago after
they convalesced from one with a broken hip and another with a spine
operation. We recently made dad's passing a joyous event with some work and
attitude. We learned a lot so far and would love to pass on some tricks.
Be very careful of the trap that caretakers fall into that depletes health
and spirit.

Dave Hinz wrote:

On Mon, 28 Nov 2005 15:10:47 -0800, Eric R Snow wrote:

And as if all that isn't enough,
the people responsible for managing his pain are doing a terrible job.
There is no excuse for depriving a dying person relief from pain. And
the fear of overuse and addiction by a patient who has less than two
months to live is ridiculous.

Fire them. Now. If you have medical power of attourney, you will ****
them off, but getting pain control is the absolute first priority. Been
there, done that. My grandfather's doctors were playing God instead
of helping a terminal patient be comfortable. "more tests", my ass.

He must have had good insurance.

Give the man a PCA pump, NOW. They refused; we removed them from his
care and got real doctors who understand pain control in a terminal
patient.

Sorry if this sounds angry but I'm still ****ed off about it, 17 years
later, and your post brought it out. I assure you that I mean to be
supportive rather than attacking you but as usual I'm more blunt than
diplomatic. Get him better doctors. Hospice care is fantastic.


And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading.

Inexcusable that "professionals" wouldn't know what they're dealing
with. Not surprising, just inexcusable. If they don't stay "smarter",
do for him what you'd want done for you; get him to a place where
they'll make the inevitable less painful.

Again, sorry for the tone, but this dredged up some stuff I thought I'd
forgotten.

Dave Hinz

On Mon, 28 Nov 2005 15:10:47 -0800, Eric R Snow
wrote:

I have been almost completely occupied with my Father-in-law's
impending death for the last six weeks or so. If someone has sent me a
message and not recieved a reply that's the reason why. All the things
left unsaid for years are now being said. Lots of painful things that
the family has let fester. And now maybe less sincere than if adressed
at the proper time. My wife is finding out how important some things
are to her. The support she requires from me needs to be
non-judgemental. Her father still needs to face up to some things. Not
because anybody else thinks so, but because these things are still
unsettled in his mind. I can see him struggling with his feelings. His
ego fighting what he knows is the right thing to do. Hurt feelings
abound from actions way in the past. And as if all that isn't enough,
the people responsible for managing his pain are doing a terrible job.
There is no excuse for depriving a dying person relief from pain. And
the fear of overuse and addiction by a patient who has less than two
months to live is ridiculous. As a consequence his pain level swings
radically, dragging his mood along. Nurses were sent to his home to
help manage his pain who didn't even know the exact nature of the
opiates administered. Nurses that argued that certain drugs he was
taking were completely different chemicals when they were in fact just
packaged different or named different because of the difference
between generic and brand names. When the information about these
drugs is available on the FDA's website it is a wonder that these
nurses can be so mis-informed. Fortunately the wrong information has
been corrected. And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading.
Eric

Caregivers have a litigious minefield to negotiate. You must make
things crystal clear for them. That done, I've been very impressed
with the level of empathy and genuine care that was provided to my
rellies. There were a couple of wiseass shirkers. They're no
longer employed as caregivers....

You might not be looking for it, bud, but you've got it from me. Went
through this with my Father-in-law a while back. Bad situation for anyone
to deal with.

Garrett Fulton



Yep me too. My mom died from cancer before she got to meet most of her
grandkids.

"Dave Hinz" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 28 Nov 2005 15:10:47 -0800, Eric R Snow wrote:

Hospice care is fantastic.


Best move we made! They can help you with the physical problems as well as
the emotional.

I lost my father in May, and my mother in June. I cannot strongly enough
emphasize the need for hospice care. In our case were were blessed with
fantastic nursing care and support staff. They took time with each family
member and explained the dying process and what to expect at each stage.
Caregiving is a tremendous load to carry for both the caregiver and their
spouse. Take care of your spouse and don't forget to take care of
yourself.

-Mike

Eric R Snow wrote:
nurses can be so mis-informed. Fortunately the wrong information has
been corrected. And it appears that starting today the pain control is
finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some
steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading.
Eric

Eric, you have my sympathy, and I'm glad the pain control is better
now.

I've been my wife's caregiver for over a year now. Her doctor pulled
her from hospice care merely because we went to *talk* to a doctor
at Johns Hopkins. She's never had as good care since.

She's young (40) and has a disease that has all the doctors baffled.
The better ones admit that they don't know.

I've had to quit work (not that I really minded) and we're together
about 22 hours per day. The one good thing about this is that
we've never been closer.

I truely hope that your father-in-law's care helps to keep him
comfortable.
--
D. Jay Newman
http://enerd.ws/robots/