SKILLSAW - A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER - An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh
****'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS - Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE GRIPS - Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable
objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW - A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK - Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the bumper.

BAND SAW - A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after
you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at
amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST - A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER -
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR - A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER - A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER - Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to
the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL - Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.

THE TELEPHONE - TO CALL SOMEONE TO DO THE WORK.