This is an oldie, but good to look at again while
you are counting your fingers !

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow, s**t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion,and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or socket you've been searching
for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to hurl wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone
at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping
holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice the rough
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Smitty

Again?

Why not! It's been a week already G


"Joe" wrote in message
. net...
Again?

It may be old, but still true and still made me LMAO.

Cooniedog

wrote:
This is an oldie, but good to look at again while
you are counting your fingers !

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow, s**t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion,and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or socket you've been searching
for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to hurl wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone
at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping
holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice the rough
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Smitty

Well I'VE never seen it before, I thought it was funny as hell!
Thanks for sharing

Kate

wrote in message
...

This is an oldie, but good to look at again while
you are counting your fingers !

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow, s**t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion,and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or socket you've been searching
for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to hurl wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt, but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone
at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping
holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice the rough
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Smitty

Kate,

if you google the group (not sure what you would search for, though) you'll
find this posted about 50 times, in various renditions, some of them *much*
funnier than this one; I just couldn't resist the jab. How's that for a
run-on sentence?

jc

"Kate" wrote in message
...
Well I'VE never seen it before, I thought it was funny as hell!
Thanks for sharing

Kate

if you google the group (not sure what you would search for, though) you'll
find this posted about 50 times,
jc

Well I'VE never seen it before, I thought it was funny as hell!
Thanks for sharing
Kate

I didn't realize 50 times. Wow. . . I'm blushing for not checking
beforehand. I usually do with Urban Legends.

Smitty

On Mon, 10 Dec 2007 12:21:24 -0800 (PST), "
wrote:


if you google the group (not sure what you would search for, though) you'll
find this posted about 50 times,
jc

Well I'VE never seen it before, I thought it was funny as hell!
Thanks for sharing
Kate

I didn't realize 50 times. Wow. . . I'm blushing for not checking
beforehand. I usually do with Urban Legends.

The original (by Peter Egan, published in Road & Track) is better than
ANY of the internet versions and is posted in full at my website.

The reason it's better is because of the preamble which explains how
the list came to be. It includes Egan-esque phrasing regarding deadly
combinations of alcohol and chorizo enchiladas resulting in
"neurons...firing like a string of cheap Chinese firecrackers," or
describing the hammer as, "the Original Tool, if you exempt (as I
always do) a straw stuck down a termite nest in search of food, as
used by lower primates..."

ALso, the closing which neatly ties together the reason for the list
in the first place. All the internet versions pale in comparison.

--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite

Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999

http://www.woodbutcher.net
http://www.normstools.com

Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997

email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
care to correspond with you anyway.

I think it's great since I personally seem to have a real problem with run
on sentances and an over active comma key LOL

K.


"Joe" wrote in message
et...
Kate,

if you google the group (not sure what you would search for, though) you'll
find this posted about 50 times, in various renditions, some of them *much*
funnier than this one; I just couldn't resist the jab. How's that for a
run-on sentence?

jc

"Kate" wrote in message
...
Well I'VE never seen it before, I thought it was funny as hell!
Thanks for sharing

Kate

"LRod" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 10 Dec 2007 12:21:24 -0800 (PST), "
wrote:


if you google the group (not sure what you would search for, though)
you'll
find this posted about 50 times,
jc

Well I'VE never seen it before, I thought it was funny as hell!
Thanks for sharing
Kate

I didn't realize 50 times. Wow. . . I'm blushing for not checking
beforehand. I usually do with Urban Legends.

The original (by Peter Egan, published in Road & Track) is better than
ANY of the internet versions and is posted in full at my website.

The reason it's better is because of the preamble which explains how
the list came to be. It includes Egan-esque phrasing regarding deadly
combinations of alcohol and chorizo enchiladas resulting in
"neurons...firing like a string of cheap Chinese firecrackers," or
describing the hammer as, "the Original Tool, if you exempt (as I
always do) a straw stuck down a termite nest in search of food, as
used by lower primates..."

ALso, the closing which neatly ties together the reason for the list
in the first place. All the internet versions pale in comparison.

--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite

Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999

http://www.woodbutcher.net
http://www.normstools.com

Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997

email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
care to correspond with you anyway.

Yup, you're the guy who posted it! ;-)

I do like the original the best.

For the lazy who don't want to search through the site (shame on you, by the
way...), here's the link

http://www.woodbutcher.net/tools.htm

jc