I've been away. When I got back, Thunderbird told me that there were
over 2100 messages in the Wreck. So I took the easy way out and clicked
on "Mark All as Read". I'll likely pick up threads as they continue.

This is a recurrent thread in here because I think many of us are within
+/- 10 years of 60. Which means our parents, if still alive are beyond
the "golden age" and approaching the age where they need care.

My dad died on an operating table a year and a half ago. It was a shock,
but he was mostly able both physically and mentally all the way to the end.

My mother, who survived him, has been going downhill ever since. The
past couple of weeks (the reason for my absence), my sister and I moved
her into a retirement home, but now we’re questioning whether she needed
to instead go directly into a nursing home. She’s 85.

She suffers from a variety of ailments, one of which is going to take
her in the next few months. This is life, and this is death. No amount
of railing or complaining will change that. For me, I’m glad I have
known this woman; she’s the best Mom anyone could ever have hoped for.

After my father died, I encouraged her to keep her house, keep her large
dog, and keep her lifestyle as much as she could. I said those things to
her to so that she could continue living as long as she could. In
retrospect, that may not have been as wise as I had thought at the time.

She started to get sick about a year ago, and spiraled down quickly. It
was too fast for me, and certainly too fast for my 3 sisters who live
out of the country. Now we’re playing catchup, and we seem to be losing.
The place we’ve moved her to doesn’t seem to give enough of the care she
needs.

I’m telling this story because I’ve heard it from other people in the
Wreck, and I thought I was prepared. I thought our family was prepared.

We weren’t.

No matter how honest they’ve been all their lives, they learn to lie to
you at advanced age. That’s cause they’re scared: scared of moving,
scared of losing their independence, scared of the unknown. So they tell
you all is fine until you realize that not everything is as it should
be. It’s not conscious, it’s not malicious, and it’s not being mean to
their children. It just is.

And it’s our responsibility to try and see through that. And treat them
with the respect and dignity that they deserve.

It doesn’t matter how prepared you think you are. You probably aren’t as
much as you need to be.
--

Tanus

http://www.home.mycybernet.net/~waugh/shop/

"Tanus" wrote:

She suffers from a variety of ailments, one of which is going to
take her in the next few months.

snip

She started to get sick about a year ago, and spiraled down quickly.

snip

The place we’ve moved her to doesn’t seem to give enough of the care
she needs.

I can totally relate.

My mother turned 103 in April and cashed in her hand the end of June
this year.

I made a post "star 9 is retired" documenting events in early July.

I was very fortunate to find a nursing facility that gave great care
and stayed in contact with me providing updates on a frequent basis.

Since I was 2,500 miles away, and the only sibling, this was very
reassuring.

One of the things that kept mom going was a phone.

Programmed her cordless phone with the people she stayed in contact
with, and kept it bed side.

Since she could no longer see, the staff would dial a stored number
for her, hand her the phone, and she was off and running.

I was also able to stay in contact with her this way.

Something to consider.

Ohio has a web site that rates nursing facilities thru out the state.

Since you are in Canada, don't know what's available, but you may want
to check it out.

We all make this journey, will be thinking of you and yours.

Lew

My best wishes for you, Tanus. As Lew, I have been there. In my case,
Mom went first and Dad stayed. In the end Mom was rather demented and
very demanding, although she seemed physically OK. One night or early
morning she sat up in bed and fell over, dead. I took the first plane I
could get over to Holland and helped as much as I could. Sis came from
Paris before me.

Dad stayed in the house and with the help of the neighbors had about 4
more good years. Sis and I visited often (she more than I for obvious
reasons). Then Dad became more and more frail, at first rather
imperceptible. He had a colon operation and a hip replacement. Finally
he fell in the shower (and could have been there until the neighbors
would have checked if not that Sis was visiting and heard him fall). He
had to be hospitalized, and was on the long, long waiting list for a
nursing home. I visited often before and especially after that fall. In
my mind it was not often enough, in part because we were told he was very
strong and could still live for years and years.

After that it actually was only 4 1/2 increasingly miserable months of
declining mental and physical state before he died. In part the decline
may have been accelerated because he did not go to a nursing home (or
whatever) in time to get acclimated, and in the hospital he was so out of
it. Unfortunately, he would have had to have 24 hr care if he was to go
home, and that was not feasible, definitely not if it was to last for
years. Last time I visited him for a few days was just before I had to
go to Sardinia to a meeting. I was planning to go back to the US and
then visit again in 3 or so weeks, but that was not to be. At the end of
the 4 day meeting, I had to go to Holland rather than the US.

I wish you and your sisters all the strength necessary to get through
this period. Consider yourselves among friends who think of you and your
Mom.

--
Best regards
Han
email address is invalid

Han wrote:
My best wishes for you, Tanus.

Thanks Han. You and Lew dealt with distances much greater than mine,
although mine are considerable as well. For the first time in my adult
life, I wish I lived much closer.

snip


I wish you and your sisters all the strength necessary to get through
this period. Consider yourselves among friends who think of you and your
Mom.


This is something the family is finding both online and off. We've
talked to a great many people who have either been there, or can easily
relate. I haven't talked to one professional who hasn't given me sound
advice with good reasons for giving it.

We're lucky so far that Mom, while at times quite confused, hasn't
slipped into frustration and lashed out. That may change, but so far
it's good.

Thanks again.
--

Tanus

http://www.home.mycybernet.net/~waugh/shop/

Lew Hodgett wrote:
"Tanus" wrote:



I can totally relate.

My mother turned 103 in April and cashed in her hand the end of June
this year.

I made a post "star 9 is retired" documenting events in early July.

I read that post and was one of the many who responded to you. It was a
lovely tribute to a grand old lady whose time had come.

snip

Something to consider.

Ohio has a web site that rates nursing facilities thru out the state.

Since you are in Canada, don't know what's available, but you may want
to check it out.

I'll check the site out. In the town she lives in, there are quite a
few, but I also have some recommendations from some of the local care
workers. The place she's in now has a wonderful atmosphere, good
location, etc. etc. If they offered just a bit more care, or a lot more
care, I'd be satisfied that she's in the right place.

We all make this journey, will be thinking of you and yours.

Thanks. We all do. As I said in the orignal post, and as you spoke
volumes with on your "Star 9" post, they deserve our love, respect and
their own dignity.

--

Tanus

http://www.home.mycybernet.net/~waugh/shop/

Tanus wrote:
....
... The place she's in now has a wonderful atmosphere, good
location, etc. etc. If they offered just a bit more care, or a lot more
care, I'd be satisfied that she's in the right place.

That's been my experience almost universally -- imo it's almost
impossible for these place to be able to provide the care family would
think routine at home simply owing to cost and the number of caretakers
and time/caretaker/patient it would require. That said, some are far
better than others and experience is the only true way to judge between
those that are recommended--even a place that gets a high rating from
the regulatory folks can have troubles.

If this is an "assisted living" type of place you may need a new
evaluation of the level of care required/desired. Their general modus
operandi is to try to provide care at the level required but for the
resident to be as self-sufficient as possible. If their initial
assessment of capabilities was above actual abilities to perform, she'll
be on a continuing level of monitoring that may not be enough until that
is changed and the only way it will change is when another assessment is
done either by you asking for it or when the next scheduled routine
assessment is due.

It is difficult, indeed, and there's virtually no way to be able to
monitor as much as would like even when living within ten miles as we
were w/ mine. And, of course, every situation and individual is
different in specifics even within overall generalities.

--

Tanus wrote,on my timestamp of 7/09/2008 8:24 AM:

It doesn’t matter how prepared you think you are. You probably aren’t as
much as you need to be.

Amen to that.
And I miss both of them terribly...
Good luck with your mum, enjoy having her
around as much as you can.

Tanus wrote in :

Han wrote:
My best wishes for you, Tanus.

Thanks Han. You and Lew dealt with distances much greater than mine,
although mine are considerable as well. For the first time in my adult
life, I wish I lived much closer.

You will never live close enough unless you live in the same house. At
least that is what I inferred from the difficulties of others, who were
living within a few miles of their parents in similar circumstances. You
have to accept that fact, and it is a VEY IMPORTANT fact for your sanity
and the parent's acceptance of the help.

I established the routine of calling home every day at the same time
(6:30 AM my time, 12:30 PM theirs). The routine was reassuring and I
enforced it, since I couldn't afford to be woken up in the middle of the
night if it wasn't an emergency. Of course I had the extremely good luck
of my parents having very caring neighbors ... I know I can't thank them
enough for their help, other than by doing similar things when I (or,
mostly, my wife) can to my neighbors.


snip


I wish you and your sisters all the strength necessary to get through
this period. Consider yourselves among friends who think of you and
your Mom.


This is something the family is finding both online and off. We've
talked to a great many people who have either been there, or can
easily relate. I haven't talked to one professional who hasn't given
me sound advice with good reasons for giving it.

We're lucky so far that Mom, while at times quite confused, hasn't
slipped into frustration and lashed out. That may change, but so far
it's good.

In my father's case especially, it was deteriorating mental capacities
that imperceptibly got worse and worse until frailty precipitated a
breakdown. We were lucky that he could mostly manage his frustrations,
until they became really bad, like when I entered the hospital roomand
found him in a chair chewing on newspaper. It was the antidote to the
poison the Germans were giving him (WWII had not been kind on him).
Routine is what the elderly really need at beyond some point, I think, to
stay (mostly) sane.

Thanks again.

You're welcome, and don't hesitate to talk about this as much as you need
to.

--
Best regards
Han
email address is invalid