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Old April 12th 05, 03:16 PM
Joe AutoDrill
 
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Default Tool Guide

Stole this from anther forum I frequent...

Tool Guide:

HAMMER; Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE; Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing leather and fabric products.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.

PLIERS; Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW; One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS; Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH; Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS; Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS; A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL; Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, 'Ouc....'

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK; Used for lowering a tractor to the ground, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the chassis somewhere.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4; Used for levering a tractor upward off a
hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS; A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE; Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER; Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR; A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT; A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST; A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER; A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER; A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS; See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT; The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is
not otherwise found under tractors at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR; A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR; A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER; A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Regards,
Joe Agro, Jr.
(800) 871-5022
http://www.AutoDrill.com
http://www.Multi-Drill.com

V8013



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Old April 12th 05, 04:01 PM
Teamcasa
 
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Default

sniped a very funny description of tools.

I saw that as a poster in a friend of mine's hangar last year!
Made a copy and sent it to my mechanics!

Dave



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Old April 12th 05, 04:13 PM
WillR
 
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Teamcasa wrote:
sniped a very funny description of tools.

I saw that as a poster in a friend of mine's hangar last year!
Made a copy and sent it to my mechanics!

Dave



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Yes indeed - thank you very much.

Now I can happily face installing some more drawer slides with a good
sense of humor...

ROTFLMAO

Not that I have ever done any of those things or used tools in the way
described. I know some people in this group have done so -- but not me!!




--
Will
Occasional Techno-geek
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Old April 13th 05, 12:07 AM
Bill Daly
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Great stuff Joe, I have been fortunate to use all those tools in the ways
described; must be a world-wide phenomenon.

Cheers, Bill, New Zealand

"Joe AutoDrill" wrote in message
news:[email protected]
Stole this from anther forum I frequent...

Tool Guide:

HAMMER; Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE; Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing leather and fabric products.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.

PLIERS; Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW; One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS; Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH; Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS; Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS; A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL; Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
'Ouc....'

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK; Used for lowering a tractor to the ground, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the chassis somewhere.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4; Used for levering a tractor upward off a
hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS; A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE; Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER; Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR; A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT; A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST; A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER; A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER; A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS; See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT; The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is
not otherwise found under tractors at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR; A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and rounds them
off.

PRY BAR; A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER; A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Regards,
Joe Agro, Jr.
(800) 871-5022
http://www.AutoDrill.com
http://www.Multi-Drill.com

V8013




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Old April 13th 05, 02:50 AM
John Flatley
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Joe,

Thanks for sharing the tool guide. I took the liberty to drop a few
non-woodworking tools and add a few others. I welcome any additional
entries. Here is a new Tool Guide.

Jack
Jacksonville, Florida

New Woodworking Tool Guide



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit. This tool can mark parts for later identification.
Can replace pliers in an emergency.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing leather and fabric products.



SANDPAPER: Old fashioned way to produce “sawdust.” It comes in a variety
of grits. It can be used to remove marks left by handplanes (Note: the
term sandpaper dust never quite seemed to fit in the woodworkers vocabulary.



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.



SAWDUST: Originally this material was produced by saws, and was the primary
output of woodworking projects. Of late, the term has evolved to mean any
very, very, very small pieces of wood produced by a variety of woodworking
tools, both electric and hand powered. (See TABLESAW)

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

DOVETAIL SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.



CLAMPS: A holding device you never have enough of.



PLIERS: The primary tool used to pound nails. They can be used to round
off bolt heads, if nothing else is available.



BENCH GRINDER: This spinning aluminum oxide wheel, driven by an electric
motor, is designed to remove metal from edged tools. Careless operation can
result in some tools occasionally being sharpened.



FINISH: Sawdust magnet until cured. Sometimes refers to an applied
material or surface coat designed to attract sweating drink glasses and
lighted cigarettes.



PLANS: A post project documentation requirement. Plans are sometimes used
to protect the workbench top from glue, stain and varnish. Plans are
sometimes used to wrap fish for disposal.



CHISELS: This tool must be sharpened and honed. The most important use of
this hardened steel bar is to shave the hair off the back of your hand,
wrist or arm.



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat wood
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly varnished part
you were drying.



DOZUKI: An influential handsaw from Japan. Has a lot of pull.



WOODWORKING MAGAZINES: Descriptions of what other woodworkers are doing and
you wish you could. This woodworking literature is available wherever
magazines and books are sold. However, you must pay an annual subscription
fee if you intend to tease and torture yourself properly.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Ouc....’



GLUE: Sweet smelling concoction secretly developed by clamp manufacturers
to sell more product. Also holds pieces of wood together.



ROUTER: An electric wood-removing tool. This tool is the primary rival of
the tablesaw for producing a sawdust-like pile of wood. Owning a router is
a prerequisite for having a large collection of expensive, small, sharp
tools called bits.



TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters you can feel but cannot see.



WOOD RASP: The voice of an asthmatic tree in the spring with pollen in the
air.



TELEPHONE: A modern invention intended to disrupt your work. Primary tool
of people trying to sell you something you don’t need. Can sometimes be
used to call distant stores to confirm they are out of stock of whatever
item you need right away.



HARDWOOD: A staple of any woodworking effort. This expensive tree product
is used to make furniture that would otherwise be cheaper to buy at a
furniture store. Excellent source of sawdust!



MDF: Mighty Darn Fine substrate for wood veneer to fool folks into thinking
it is solid hardwood.



SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise,
but; is used primarily for getting dog-doo off your boot.



CRAFTSMAN ˝ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.



HANDPLANES: A family of tools developed to produce fine wood shavings.
These fine shavings are the major competitor of sawdust for creating the
illusion of real work being done.



RIP/CROSSCUT SAW: See dovetail saw.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.



CUTOFFS: Scrap pieces of wood longer then planned because the good piece
was ˝ inch too short. (See TABLESAW)



AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a brad nailer or HVLP spray gun. Money wasting replacement for a
hammer and paint brush.



TABLESAW: A tool used to cut wood parts ˝ inch too short. It can also
produce a significantly large quantity of sawdust. It is usually the
primary sawdust generator in most home workshops.



WORKBENCH: A large, sturdy table that acts as a junk magnet. No matter how
often the top is cleared, there is never room to work on anything.



TOOL CATALOGS: Stuff dreams are made of!


--




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