Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

That says more about the man who finds this funny!

"Fredxxx" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.

"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...


That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.


So? Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

--
Adam

"ARW" wrote in message
...
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...


That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.


So? Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

One has just got back to me with a :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So, the majority approved. That will do me.

On 30/04/2015 18:36, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
"Fredxxx" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.

LOL That also says a lot about the friends you keep!

"Fredxxx" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 18:36, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
"Fredxxx" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off
of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not
hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning,
he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.

LOL That also says a lot about the friends you keep!

I left the door open for you and you walked straight through it.

On 30/04/2015 18:51, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
"ARW" wrote in message
...
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...


That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.


So? Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

One has just got back to me with a :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So, the majority approved. That will do me.


These are people who have selected you as a friend, though.

"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...
I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

I have always thought that a joke should contain some element of humour, fun
and perhaps jollity.
Your post contains nonsuch and I find it rather offensive.
I can only presume that mrpounders been hacked.
He is not normally downright effing stupid but age does have it's drawbacks.

"GB" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 18:51, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
"ARW" wrote in message
...
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...


That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.


So? Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

One has just got back to me with a
:-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So, the majority approved. That will do me.


These are people who have selected you as a friend, though.

I chose my friends, they do not chose me.
Why should you think that the people I post to are my friends?

"Nick" wrote in message
...

"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...
I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

I have always thought that a joke should contain some element of humour,
fun and perhaps jollity.
Your post contains nonsuch and I find it rather offensive.
I can only presume that mrpounders been hacked.
He is not normally downright effing stupid but age does have it's
drawbacks.

Are you religious?
Are you a cyclist?
Do you have a cat?
Are you politically correct?
Do you approve of Muslims in this country?
Are you gay?
Do you take this medium seriously?

On 30/04/2015 21:17, Nick wrote:
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...
I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

I have always thought that a joke should contain some element of humour, fun
and perhaps jollity.
Your post contains nonsuch and I find it rather offensive.
I can only presume that mrpounders been hacked.
He is not normally downright effing stupid but age does have it's drawbacks.

For me it shows the result of a long term relationship that floundered
decades earlier, where there is no love or real concern for the other,
only expectations.

It's feels too close to true life to be funny. Perhaps it's because I'm
single?

Please amend the thread title. It breaks the trade description act.

--
*A woman drove me to drink and I didn't have the decency to thank her

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

"Fredxxx" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 21:17, Nick wrote:
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...
I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

I have always thought that a joke should contain some element of humour,
fun
and perhaps jollity.
Your post contains nonsuch and I find it rather offensive.
I can only presume that mrpounders been hacked.
He is not normally downright effing stupid but age does have it's
drawbacks.

For me it shows the result of a long term relationship that floundered
decades earlier, where there is no love or real concern for the other,
only expectations.

It's feels too close to true life to be funny. Perhaps it's because I'm
single?
Nope, it's because it's so unfunny.
Mr Pounder must be a touch odd.

"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message ...

Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I

At last, your aversion to pussies explained.

Pounder lard:-

/I chose my friends, they do not chose me.
Why should you think that the people I post to are my friends?/

Why TF else would they bother to respond to your ****e 'jokes' ??

Jim K

Groan, thud.
Brian

--
From the Sofa of Brian Gaff Reply address is active
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.

All we are saying is don't give up the day job.

It was funny in much the same way as a car driving over your head is funny.


I prefer the daft joke myself, like what Ken Dodd does.
What a wonderful day it is, yes a wonderful day to cut off the bottom three
inches of your trouser leg and give it to a librarian, and say, here, , that
is a turnup for the books.
Brian


--
From the Sofa of Brian Gaff Reply address is active
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...

"GB" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 18:51, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
"ARW" wrote in message
...
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...


That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.


So? Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

One has just got back to me with a
:-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So, the majority approved. That will do me.


These are people who have selected you as a friend, though.

I chose my friends, they do not chose me.
Why should you think that the people I post to are my friends?

Brian Gaff put finger to keyboard:

I prefer the daft joke myself


What's red and invisible?






No tomatoes.

Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping

Er, in what way was that a joke? Jokes have a punchline. That just about
classifies as a feeble and long-winded satire of uk.diy posting but
that's about it.

--
Scott

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

On Thursday, 30 April 2015 21:33:29 UTC+1, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
"GB" wrote in message
...
On 30/04/2015 18:51, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
"ARW" wrote in message
...
"Mr Pounder Esquire" wrote in message
...


That says more about the man who finds this funny!

It says more about the man who did not find it to be funny.
It was sent to 8 people. 6 have got back to me, they approved of it.


So? Nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

One has just got back to me with a
:-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So, the majority approved. That will do me.


These are people who have selected you as a friend, though.

I chose my friends, they do not chose me.
Why should you think that the people I post to are my friends?

Why would you post such a thing to 8 random people and expect a reply ?
You must have strange friends if none of them has chosen you as a friend.

On 01/05/2015 10:30, Scott M wrote:
Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping

Er, in what way was that a joke? Jokes have a punchline. That just about
classifies as a feeble and long-winded satire of uk.diy posting but
that's about it.

That's more amusing that the original post!

On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.





When are you going to get to the joke?



--
Dave - The Medway Handyman www.medwayhandyman.co.uk

In article ,
Fredxxx wrote:
On 01/05/2015 10:30, Scott M wrote:
Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping

Er, in what way was that a joke? Jokes have a punchline. That just
about classifies as a feeble and long-winded satire of uk.diy posting
but that's about it.

That's more amusing that the original post!

So is the shipping forecast.

--
*If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

In article ,
The Medway Handyman wrote:
On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.





When are you going to get to the joke?

The joke is supposed to be that the "writer" is more worried about who is
going to do the dishes and mow the lawn than the fact that her husband is
dead.

--
From KT24 in Surrey

Using a RISC OS computer running v5.18

On Fri, 01 May 2015 15:09:35 +0100, The Medway Handyman
wrote:

On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:


Snip


When are you going to get to the joke?

Remember he lives in the frozen north.
In a Working Mens club coming from a Comedian who is trying to warm up
an audience who are as cold as the husband in the tale it probably
goes down well, the alternative entertainment being Karaoke or a Drag
Queen boosting his pension. Most of the audience will be hypnotised by
a mirror ball which is just as well since the smoking ban means the
punters are no longer hidden from each other by a pall of smoke and
can see how years of poor diet, toil and inbreeding has made them
ugly.

G.Harman

wrote in message
...
On Fri, 01 May 2015 15:09:35 +0100, The Medway Handyman
wrote:

On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:


Snip


When are you going to get to the joke?

Remember he lives in the frozen north.
In a Working Mens club coming from a Comedian who is trying to warm up
an audience who are as cold as the husband in the tale it probably
goes down well, the alternative entertainment being Karaoke or a Drag
Queen boosting his pension. Most of the audience will be hypnotised by
a mirror ball which is just as well since the smoking ban means the
punters are no longer hidden from each other by a pall of smoke and
can see how years of poor diet, toil and inbreeding has made them
ugly.

Well, it's given you lot something to talk about. You have been entertained
by a bad joke
I live in the superior north. I've seen the south and you can keep it, but
you already knew that.

On 01/05/2015 15:37, charles wrote:
In article ,
The Medway Handyman wrote:
On 30/04/2015 17:46, Mr Pounder Esquire wrote:
Last night I was having sex with my 68 year old husband when suddenly I
heard a loud pop sound inside his body. Immediately he stopped humping
on me, and became very still on top of my body. I found it real
difficult to get him off of me, but I finally managed to roll him off of
me.

At first I thought he was just drunk and needed a little soothing. I
rubbed his body but he did not react. I then laid my head on his chest
and noticed his heart was not beating. I knew immediately his heart had
collapsed.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and began to boil some
water. Then I took a heavy cast iron frying pan to the bedroom, and
began beating it against his chest. I did this for a half hour, but by
that time I was completely exhausted and stopped. I still could not hear
his heart beating. I knew that the boiling water was my last hope so I
quickly ran and got the water, a sharp butcher knife, and sliced open
his chest. Then I poured the boiling water into the hole and on to his
heart.

This did not work either, so I knew it was best to just let him rest. I
laid down next to him and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he
was stiff and still had no heart beat. Once again I beat on his chest
for almost one hour with the frying pan, but it did no good.

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.





When are you going to get to the joke?

The joke is supposed to be that the "writer" is more worried about who is
going to do the dishes and mow the lawn than the fact that her husband is
dead.

I understood it, I just didn't recognise it as a joke.

Apparently the worlds funniest joke is;

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out
his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First,
let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is
heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

And the 10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh festival fringe 2014;


Tim Vine's Hoover joke was voted funniest of the festival.

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust."
– Tim Vine

2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into
my set." – Masai Graham

3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is
why he lost his job in disaster relief." – Mark Watson

4. "I was given some sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only
fill it in with number 1s and number 2s." – Bec Hill

5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let
me." – Ria Lina

6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself
a Happy Meal." – Paul F Taylor

7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep
frying." – Scott Capurro

8. "I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway
through he disappears up his own arsehole." – Kevin Day

9. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for
seven." – Jason Cook

10. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how
you look at it." – Felicity Ward


--
Dave - The Medway Handyman www.medwayhandyman.co.uk

wrote in message
...


Remember he lives in the frozen north.
In a Working Mens club coming from

Why do they still call them Working Mens Clubs? They are full of pensioners
and unemployed people.

--
Adam

On Sat, 2 May 2015 08:35:11 +0100, "ARW"
wrote:

wrote in message
.. .


Remember he lives in the frozen north.
In a Working Mens club coming from

Why do they still call them Working Mens Clubs? They are full of pensioners
and unemployed people.

Wales rather than the English industrial Counties but this Melancholic
Music Video sums up that situation quite well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwwtOd3pMlk

G.Harman

I have run out of ideas. What else can I do to fix his collapsed heart?
Please tell me quickly, because today is his turn to do the dishes, and
he is supposed to mow the lawn today too.







bloody wummin' .....