Last Saturday all I could type was a subject line that said all that
needed saying: Mary died.

The response from this group was amazing and I found it enormously
comforting. I've read the whole thread several times. Thanks!

I've been a wreck for a few days, but I'm starting to feel stronger.

There were periods of pain and despair today as there undoubtedly will
be in days forward, but on the whole today was a good day. My
absolutely incredible family, including two who themselves are
grieving over the loss of a parent, are providing support beyond
belief -- and it is working. I'm alone tonight for the first time and
doing just fine. I'm alone tonight only because I asserted that I
would be OK, I certainly wasn't abandoned. Had an email checkin a
while ago. Check.

I'm far from done, but I think I'm well started off the line with
slicks smoking.

Food entered my body only by sheer discipline until yesterday. I ate
only because I knew I must. Don't have to eat much, but zero is not a
viable option. Two somethings a day.

Night before last, son Kevin and girlfriend Kelsey took over my
kitchen and prepared a meal for all of us including Dave, Hassan 'n
Ann. Blackened cajun chicken prepared on the grill (Kevin) and
oven roasted veggies (thin sliced potatoes, beets, sweet onions and
sweet 'taters) au Kelsey. Kev had discovered a very pleasant Barbera
wine for six bux a bottle in a Wisconsin store. He bought them out.
That food actually tasted good! Dayum! Tonight we had pizza that also
tasted good and we demolished it. Yesterday I bought ribeye steaks,
fresh green beans and idaho bakers for tomorrow. I've returned to the
living and walking wounded. Look out! EEeeeeyaaaahhhhhhh!

My bad times seem to be in the morning and then again about
midafternoon. Who knows why, that's just how it is. Maybe it
correlates to level of activity. I also had a lot of happy thoughts
and memories today. Mary and I had a very happy life together and we
noted that every day. Hm. I wrote "life" rather than "lives".
Interesting to think about.

Others are dreading the funeral on Monday. I'm not and never have. If
I fall apart, then I do. I'm the bereft spouse, not there to impress
anyone or meet anyone's expectations of stiff upper lip. But I am
starting to feel a bit of strength.

It is on Monday because Fort Snelling doesn't do interments on
weekends and this family wanted to get it all done in one day.
There will be a two hour gathering for family and close friends, no
formal service. There is no dress code. Mary will be buried in the
clothes she wore on our wedding day in Scotland (pink sweater and gray
slacks)and I will be wearing the clothes I wore that day.

Mary said for years that she did not want a funeral if she went before
I. I never said anything until recently when that started to look
like a possibility. Then I said that maybe the many who love you
might need a funeral for closure, do you want to deny them that?

Mmph. Oh all right, yes I want a funeral but a simple one: a
gathering of family and close friends. Done and done. "Oh, and I no
longer want to be cremated." "OK, why?" "Because when they burned
that skin cancer off my nose that really stank and I can just imagine
how being cremated must stink." Roger that!

She'll be interred at Fort Snelling National Cemetary. An adjacent
plot will be reserved for me. Her Dad, Mom, Grandfather and
Grandmother are there too.

I'm starting to look forward to little projects I want to do. Little
things, but progress happens one step at a time. Today I repaired a
broken board on the futon Kev brought over for my newly-liberated
spare bedroom. I made a pin to replace a lost one and I zinc-plated
it. Kev, Hassan and I went out and bought a small flat-screen TV to
put in front of my treadmill in its new location. The old TV was too
deep to go there. Tomorrow I want to go buy a vegetable steamer with
Ann.

I had a lot of happy thoughts and memories today. Mary and I had a
very happy life together and we noted that every day. When I think
about her tonight, I smile. Seldom dry-eyed, but with a smile rather
than the grimace that accompanies racking wails of despair when
nobody's looking or maybe even when they are.

A friend and neighbor of years ago stopped in this afternoon. It was
good to see him, but I'd forgotten how a little of him and his various
opinions is enough, more is not better.

If a guy was feeling bad about living alone, an hour with Bob would
help him be grateful for his situation. Mary liked Bob. Tough and
crusty as he was and is, his knowledge of flora is astounding.

My sweet, gentle Mary would be very proud of me and her kids and mine,
we lot functioning as a family like never before. The generosity,
compassion and quiet strength that has been happening here has been
almost Mary-grade, inspired by Mary's example, and it don't get
better than that.