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Default Electric Fence





Electric Fence!



We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard and I heard about
burglaries increasing in the area, so a few months ago, to make sure this
never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along
the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor
Supply had- made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push
mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigabit fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my
balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled
downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of
my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the
spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot have a bowel movement, pee, and vomit at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix
kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a small block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot
long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have
to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn! ' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, and vomit, I think 'Oh God, please let it die... pleeeeze let
it die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created...
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a top now. Seriously! I think our little session
cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than
new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.









***
Never Forget
http://www.gunstuff.com/america-attacked.html



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Default Electric Fence

wrote:
On Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:12:52 -0500, "ChairMan" wrote:

Electric Fence!

fence snipped

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I
realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a top now. Seriously! I think our little session
cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than
new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow.



OMG
ROTFL
I think I just choked on my drink.....

Ok, now here's the part you probably forgot. You have to paint
electric fences so they dont rust. But you have to paint them while
they are turned on, using a paint brush. If you attempt to paint it
with the power off, the paint will shrink and peel off once you power
up the fence. So, grab your paint brush and have fun painting.
Remember, a professional painter always holds a paint brush by the
metal part right above the bristles, not the handle !!!


Remember, paint, poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do
not smell as bad as you might think.


--
PB
"I suspect you're an arrogant little ****ant who grew up in the
Red Bull generation." - CJW
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Default Electric Fence

Thank you. I hadn’t laughed that hard in more than a year.
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