The Twelve Days Of Christmas


On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A catalogue from Lee Valley.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Six geese a-flying,
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven swans a-chiseling,
Six geese a-flying,
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight wooden milk cans,
Seven swans a-chiseling,
Six geese a-flying,
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine ladies' work gloves,
Eight wooden milk cans,
Seven swans a-chiseling,
Six geese a-flying,
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten Loyd's a-puzzling,
Nine ladies' work gloves,
Eight wooden milk cans,
Seven swans a-chiseling,
Six geese a-flying,
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven pipe clamps clamping,
Ten Loyd's a-puzzling,
Nine ladies' work gloves,
Eight wooden milk cans,
Seven swans a-chiseling,
Six geese a-flying,
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drums a-sanding,
Eleven pipe clamps clamping,
Ten Loyd's a-puzzling,
Nine ladies' work gloves,
Eight wooden milk cans,
Seven swans a-chiseling,
Six geese a-flying,
Five gold box rings,
Four spalted billets,
Three French curves,
Two saws for dovetails,
From the catalogue of Lee Valley.


Part The Second: Every year there's some guy that calculates the cost
of all the items in the Twelve Days Of Christmas. I wonder what this
one would cost.)





Regards,

Tom Watson

tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email)

http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1/

Tom Watson reminded me:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 14, 1998

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a thourghly delightful gift. I couldn't have been
more surprized.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 15, 1998

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two
turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are
just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 16, 1998

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity - three french hens. They are just
darling but I must insist - you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 17, 1998

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they're
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 18, 1998

Dearest John:

What a suprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly,
all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 19, 1998

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my
front steps. So your back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
I can't sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 20, 1998

John:

What's with you and those ****ing birds??? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of god damn joke is this? There's bird **** all over the
house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. it's not funny, so stop with those ****ing birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 21, 1998

Ok Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight
maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids
a-milking, but they had to bring their god damn cows. There's ****
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me
smart ass.

Agnes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 22, 1998

Hey ****head:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing,
and christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
there stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours asshole,

Agnes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 23, 1998

You Rotten Prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of ****. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show
cause why the building should not be condemned.

I'm sicking the police on you.

One Who Means It

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec 24, 1998

Listen ****head:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through
the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All twenty
three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the
orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cajole
303 Knave St
Denver, Colorado

Dec 25, 1998

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.

The destruction was of course total.

All correspondence should come to our attention.

If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you
on sight.

Enclosed please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender and Cajole

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Lew