(I hope this isn't a repeat)


Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
parts
you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint and
hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt
heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything
you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's
main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which
were
last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds
off
their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied
verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities
following our every deficiency in foresight.

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On 16 Nov 2006 05:41:50 -0800, "SteveC" wrote:

(I hope this isn't a repeat)

It is, many times over. And it's been edited (and not all that well).
The original was written by Peter Egan and published in Road & Track
magazine April, 1996.

His was much better.

--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite

Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999

http://www.woodbutcher.net

Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997

email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
care to correspond with you anyway.

"LRod" wrote in message
...
On 16 Nov 2006 05:41:50 -0800, "SteveC" wrote:

(I hope this isn't a repeat)

It is, many times over. And it's been edited (and not all that well).
The original was written by Peter Egan and published in Road & Track
magazine April, 1996.


--


Stick around long enough and pretty much EVERYTHING is a repost!
Greg

Greg O wrote:

Stick around long enough and pretty much EVERYTHING is a repost!


Sort of reminds me of woodworking magazines.