I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John


Chilli Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook Off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 - No Report

A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.

Thanks for the laugh.

Robert

Awesumly funny!!! I laughed till I cried.


John B wrote:
I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John


Chilli Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook Off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Great post!!! My neighbors in cubeville are wondering if I drank my
lunch today because of my laughing and snickering....

I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John


[snip]
THAT was funny stuff, thanks! I hope you submit it to Jay Leno for
"The Tonight Show". If you don't, I should. And, hope you get to
feel better too! It's dreadful having a flu.

--
Alex - "newbie_neander" woodworker
cravdraa_at-yahoo_dot-com
not my site: http://www.e-sword.net/

"shooter" wrote in message
Awesumly funny!!! I laughed till I cried.

Having just gone through Chili Cook-off season, I just got hungry again.
"Liz's Liquid Lip Remover" ... I'm ready!

--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 12/13/05

Laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants. This one is a keeper. Larry
"John B" wrote in message
...
I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John


Chilli Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook Off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
beer.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 - No Report

John B wrote:

I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John


Home alone. Laughed so hard I swallowed a mint and had to beg the dog to do
the heimlich maneuver.

You might try some chili for that flu! Clean out your sinuses.

Lobby Dosser wrote:
John B wrote:


I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John



Home alone. Laughed so hard I swallowed a mint and had to beg the dog to do
the heimlich maneuver.

You might try some chili for that flu! Clean out your sinuses.

Don't apply it with a neti pot.

er
--
email not valid

wrote in message
oups.com...
A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.

Thanks for the laugh.

Robert


Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.

On 4/6/2006 8:53 AM John B mumbled something about the following:
I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John


Chilli Cook Off

[ snipped ]

I've seen this many times over the years, and it's still as funny today
as it was the first time I read it. Now I'm hungry for some FRED'S BURN
DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

--
Odinn
RCOS #7 SENS BS ???

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never
worshiped anything but himself." -- Sir Richard Francis Burton

Reeky's unofficial homepage ... http://www.reeky.org
'03 FLHTI ........... http://www.sloanclan.org/gallery/ElectraGlide
'97 VN1500D ......... http://www.sloanclan.org/gallery/VulcanClassic
Atlanta Biker Net ... http://www.atlantabiker.net
Vulcan Riders Assoc . http://www.vulcanriders.org

rot13 to reply

Lobby Dosser wrote in
news:AagZf.15071$e11.11651@trnddc02:

John B wrote:

I've had a touch of the flue over the past few days, so reading this
damned near killed me. My ribs are going to be bruised for weeks.
Enjoy
John


Home alone. Laughed so hard I swallowed a mint and had to beg the dog to
do the heimlich maneuver.

You might try some chili for that flu! Clean out your sinuses.

Mildly humorous. It was fairly funny (B-) the first time I read it some 5+
years ago but has since lost much of it's lustre. Rating? D.

"Leon" wrote in message
. com...
Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.


From these parts, NM, it's Chile which most definitely is the green variety
and there most definitely are no beans in Chile!
Cheers,
cc

"James "Cubby" Culbertson" wrote in message
. ..

"Leon" wrote in message
. com...
Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.


From these parts, NM, it's Chile which most definitely is the green
variety and there most definitely are no beans in Chile!
Cheers,


Yeah we put that on hot dogs in Texas. :~(

"Leon" wrote in message
. com...

wrote in message
oups.com...
A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.

Thanks for the laugh.

Robert


Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.

Chile is.

Max

On Thu, 06 Apr 2006 23:53:48 GMT, "Leon"
wrote:


wrote in message
roups.com...
A veteran of many Texas chili cookoffs, I laughed so hard I almost fell
out of my chair. I have SEEN Judge #3 many times as a guest judge of
local celebrities, local news anchors, etc. at these events.

Thanks for the laugh.

Robert


Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.


My favorite Texas saying, "If it's got beans in it, it ain't chili"

Said by someone after my own heart.



+--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+

If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough

+--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+

"Leon" wrote in message
et...

"James "Cubby" Culbertson" wrote in message
. ..

"Leon" wrote in message
. com...
Yeah! That's Texas Chili. My wife from up north made chili once. I
thought it was hot dog relish. Chili IS NOT GREEN.


From these parts, NM, it's Chile which most definitely is the green
variety and there most definitely are no beans in Chile!
Cheers,


Yeah we put that on hot dogs in Texas. :~(


I surely doubt you put what we call Chile on hot dogs. I suppose the
straight green chile would work but this stuff is more like a stew and would
soak your buns!

Mark & Juanita wrote:

My favorite Texas saying, "If it's got beans in it, it ain't chili"

Said by someone after my own heart.

AMEN.

Robert

My take is that if it has tomatoes in it, it ain't chili. The don't
belong in a good bowl of "Red". (Yeah, I'm from Texas)