On Fri, 24 Jul 2009 08:03:40 -0400, Cliff wrote:

[
Lawyer Bashing

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of
lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an
uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on
the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you
afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to climb
the ladder, one to shake it, and the other one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one
of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator!

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor!

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing! There are some
things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets
frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing
tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey
has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice
]
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the
lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way ?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to
pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh .. . . no, I didn't know
that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut
off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has
learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so
sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them,
what makes you think I'd give any to you?