Tis the season....HO, HO, HO

Thank You All....

As we near the end of 2010, I want to thank all of you for
your educational e-mails during this year. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper
towel.

I can't have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the television remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can
only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed
over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it
on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has
granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a
bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I cant use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains. And, because it cleans car
battery corrosion.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat
when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it
causes seven different types of cancer.

I no longer get my quarter back when I make a coin phone
call. Because of the AIDS needle in the coin return slot.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.
Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they
are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have
their recipe. And it didn't cost me two hundred and fifty
dollars.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't even pick up a coin
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some
companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the
others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas
from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late..

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of
the toilet.

On Dec 5, 1:23*pm, "Stormin Mormon" wrote:
Tis the season....HO, HO, HO

Thank You All....

As we near the end of 2010, I want to thank all of you for
your educational e-mails during this year. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper
towel.

I can't have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the television remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can
only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed
over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it
on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has
granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a
bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I cant use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains. And, because it cleans car
battery corrosion.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat
when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it
causes seven different types of cancer.

I no longer get my quarter back when I make a coin phone
call. Because of the AIDS needle in the coin return slot.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.
Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they
are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have
their recipe. And it didn't cost me two hundred and fifty
dollars.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't even pick up a coin
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some
companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the
others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas
from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late..

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of
the toilet.

My aren't you getting a little paranoid?

I knew someone would write that. Now, I have to hide under the bed for three
days. Because Obama is going to send the military out to arrest me without a
warrant, and imprison me indefinitely. Oh, wait, that hasn't happened in the
US.

Sayonara, Fuji-San chop, chop, bling!
Christopher Young-san

"harry" wrote in message
...
On Dec 5, 1:23 pm, "Stormin Mormon" wrote:

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of
the toilet.

My aren't you getting a little paranoid?

On Dec 5, 9:43*pm, "Stormin Mormon" wrote:
I knew someone would write that. Now, I have to hide under the bed for three
days. Because Obama is going to send the military out to arrest me without a
warrant, and imprison me indefinitely. Oh, wait, that hasn't happened in the
US.

Sayonara, Fuji-San chop, chop, bling!
Christopher Young-san

"harry" wrote in message

...



On Dec 5, 1:23 pm, "Stormin Mormon" wrote:

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of
the toilet.

My aren't you getting a little paranoid?- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

OK. See you in three days :-)

See you in '2011',, what year is this??
**** ! , I just blew $59.00 for my truck plates that expire 12/11, I had
another year !!!

Jerry

http://community.webtv.net/awoodbutc...oodWorkingPage

In ,
harry typed:
On Dec 5, 1:23 pm, "Stormin Mormon"
wrote:
Tis the season....HO, HO, HO

Thank You All....

As we near the end of 2010, I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails during this year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of
recovery.


Don't know how to trim, huh? Get OT; or go away.

On Dec 5, 8:23*am, "Stormin Mormon" wrote:
Tis the season....HO, HO, HO

Thank You All....

As we near the end of 2010, I want to thank all of you for
your educational e-mails during this year. I am totally
screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper
towel.

I can't have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the television remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can
only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed
over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it
on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail
program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has
granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a
bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I cant use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains. And, because it cleans car
battery corrosion.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat
when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it
causes seven different types of cancer.

I no longer get my quarter back when I make a coin phone
call. Because of the AIDS needle in the coin return slot.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.
Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they
are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have
their recipe. And it didn't cost me two hundred and fifty
dollars.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't even pick up a coin
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some
companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the
others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas
from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late..

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of
the toilet.

"I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom."

Or worse....

A co-worker took her grandmother to a outdoor event. It was the first
time Grandma has used a porta-potty.

When she came out she said: "That wasn't so bad. They even had a
holder where I could put my purse."