Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman, founder of the Center for Family
Development, addresses homework issues:

“Mom, I need help with math!!” “OK, honey, I'll be right there.” Five
minutes later the child is near tears and screaming, “You're not
helping me!!”You fume, “I'm not going to just give you the answers.”
Does this sound familiar?Homework battles are an all too familiar
family event.

What can you do?

How can you help your child so that each of you feels good about the
experience?

The concept of “units-of-concern” is an effective way to resolving
this problem. Every problem can be thought of as having ten units-of-
concern that get distributed among those involved.The more units of
concern a person carries, the more responsibility for the problem and
the more worry the person carries. So, for example, if you are deeply
worried about your child getting his or her homework done on time and
about your child doing well, maybe you are carrying five or six units
of concern.Your spouse may be involved a little bit and so carries
three units of concern about getting homework done. That leaves only
one unit of concern for your child.

So, what do you do to shift the units of concern onto the shoulders of
the person who should be carrying them?

First, you have to determine who owns the problem.In this instance, it
is your child's homework, not yours, so the problem belongs to your
child.

Second, you determine if there are natural consequences for the child
that will occur is the problem is not solved. In this case, there are
clear natural consequences for your child.If he does not do his
homework, he will get a poor grade on it.“Wait a minute,” you say.“If
she doesn't do her homework, she'll get a bad grade and then if that
keeps happening, she may fail.”The bad news is that when you allow
your child to make choices, he will make some poor choices that have
negative consequences for the child.

However, that is how we learn, by making choices, some of which work
and some of which don't.If you try to teach your child to ride a
bicycle and never let go, the child will never learn to balance.
However, on the way to good bike riding, most children fall a few
times.Even if the worst happens and the child fails, say fifth grade,
the good news is that there is fifth grade every year.

Harsh as that may seem, better to learn these lessons while the cost
of a bad decision is cheap, than have to learn the lesson when the
child is older and the costs greater.Third, you are now ready to
handle the problem with your child by distributing the units of
concern onto the appropriate set of shoulders. In this example, you
let your child know that you are willing to help with homework, when
it is convenient for you. You may set a time when you are available,
or have some other set of parameters.

When your child asks for help, you provide the assistance (not the
answers) as long as the child is respectful and fun to be around. As
soon as the child stops being respectful or fun to be around, you
calmly get up and say as you are leaving, “I'm done for now, feel free
to ask for my help again, when you (are more respectful) (can talk
with me quietly) (are able to use good words and not nasty words).”
The conversation and interaction are done. When you child comes in
later and asks, “What am I going to do?If I can't do my homework I'll
fail.”You can say something like, “Wow, that's quite a problem you
have there.What do you think is the solution?”If your child asks
politely for your help again and demonstrates that he or she will work
with you, then go ahead. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by how
quickly this method will eliminate battles and make homework something
you and your child can actually share as a positive experience.

Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D. is Director of The Center For Family
Development, an Attachment Center in Western New York that specializes
in the treatment of adoptive families and their children. He can be
reached at 716-810-0790. Art was adopted as a child. He and his
spouse, Susan are the parents of three children, one adopted
internationally. Dr. Becker-Weidman achieved Diplomate status from the
American Board of Psychological Specialties in Child Psychology.He is
a Diplomate of the American College of Forensic Examiners. Dr. Becker-
Weidman is an associate clinical professor at the State University of
New York at Buffalo.He has over 50 publications and presentations at
local, regional, and national organizations about adoption and child
treatment issues.


http://developmentsintherapy.wordpre...idman-responds

On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:16:08 -0700 (PDT), Saruman of Isengard
wrote:

The concept of “units-of-concern” is an effective way to resolving
this problem.

This is hugely useful to the Church of the SubGenius and alt.slack


We don't have any ****ing units of concern.

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the
job is underestimating."

- George W Bush, U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000

:: Currently listening to The Assman 640 Speaks, 2000, by Deltron 3030, from "Deltron 3030"

Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty
round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr.
Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.
[*]
-----

On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:12:42 -0400, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar"
wrote:

Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty
round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr.
Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.

[*]
-----


we should sing it in harmony

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
"The coolness of the weapons helps take the sting out of
having one's airports police-stated." -- Rev. Ivan Stang

:: Currently listening to Cordoba, 1909, by Isaac Albéniz/John Williams, from "Spanish Guitar Music"

On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:18:54 -0700, Zapanaz
wrote:

On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:12:42 -0400, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar"
wrote:

Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty
round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr.
Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.

[*]
-----


we should sing it in harmony

http://www.center4familydevelop.com/

' At the Center For Family Development we only begin working with
families after completing a thorough assessment. We carefully
evaluate the child and the family. Our success rate is now over 95%.
Success means that the child has developed the capacity to love and be
loved and is functioning at least at about 80% of the level you'd
expect for a child that age. '

.... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the
average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"?



--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
"I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game.
Of course, it's a little late for that. I don't suppose I could
offer your soul, huh? Really help me on the green.
I'm just funning."
--Mayor Wilkins "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

:: Currently listening to Sieben Variationen über Bei Männern, welche Liebe fühlen, Variation 1, 1801, by Beethoven, from "Cello-Sonaten"

On Oct 31, 9:31*pm, Zapanaz http://joecosby.com/code/mail.pl?
wrote:
On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:18:54 -0700, Zapanaz

wrote:
On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:12:42 -0400, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar"
wrote:

Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty
round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr.
Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.

[*]
-----

we should sing it in harmony

http://www.center4familydevelop.com/

' At the Center For Family Development we only begin working with
families after completing a thorough assessment. *We carefully
evaluate the child and the family. *Our success rate is now over 95%.
Success means that the child has developed the capacity to love and be
loved and is functioning at least at about 80% of the level you'd
expect for a child that age. '

... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the
average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"?

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialisthttp://joecosby.com/
"I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game.
Of course, it's a little late for that. I don't suppose I could
offer your soul, huh? Really help me on the green.
I'm just funning."
--Mayor Wilkins "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

:: Currently listening to Sieben Variationen über Bei Männern, welche Liebe fühlen, Variation 1, 1801, by Beethoven, from "Cello-Sonaten"

Alcandor's Family went there. The Counciler thought it was The
Aristocrats

On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:53:49 -0700, Zapanaz wrote:

On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:16:08 -0700 (PDT), Saruman of Isengard
wrote:

The concept of “units-of-concern” is an effective way to resolving
this problem.

This is hugely useful to the Church of the SubGenius and alt.slack


We don't have any ****ing units of concern.

slack = 1 / units_of_concern

As you unload the consequences of your actions upon others, your slack
goes to infinity.

--
The word bipartisan usually means some
larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

-- George Carlin

... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the
average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"?

Ever heard of statistical variance?

On Sun, 1 Nov 2009 03:58:58 -0800, "William Sommerwerck"
wrote:

... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the
average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"?

Ever heard of statistical variance?


Yes.


--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't."

From The Novel

:: Currently listening to Part 4: Psalm , 1964, by John Coltrane, from "A Love Supreme"

On Oct 31, 6:12*pm, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar"
wrote:
Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty
round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr..
Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.

Now hold off a second there, Mister Sister Doctor. Maybe he has
somethin there. Maybe we ought to take a listen. What would be the
harm in letting him,.... Hey! DONUTS!!!