Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman, founder of the Center for Family
Development, addresses homework issues: “Mom, I need help with math!!” “OK, honey, I'll be right there.” Five minutes later the child is near tears and screaming, “You're not helping me!!”You fume, “I'm not going to just give you the answers.” Does this sound familiar?Homework battles are an all too familiar family event. What can you do? How can you help your child so that each of you feels good about the experience? The concept of “units-of-concern” is an effective way to resolving this problem. Every problem can be thought of as having ten units-of- concern that get distributed among those involved.The more units of concern a person carries, the more responsibility for the problem and the more worry the person carries. So, for example, if you are deeply worried about your child getting his or her homework done on time and about your child doing well, maybe you are carrying five or six units of concern.Your spouse may be involved a little bit and so carries three units of concern about getting homework done. That leaves only one unit of concern for your child. So, what do you do to shift the units of concern onto the shoulders of the person who should be carrying them? First, you have to determine who owns the problem.In this instance, it is your child's homework, not yours, so the problem belongs to your child. Second, you determine if there are natural consequences for the child that will occur is the problem is not solved. In this case, there are clear natural consequences for your child.If he does not do his homework, he will get a poor grade on it.“Wait a minute,” you say.“If she doesn't do her homework, she'll get a bad grade and then if that keeps happening, she may fail.”The bad news is that when you allow your child to make choices, he will make some poor choices that have negative consequences for the child. However, that is how we learn, by making choices, some of which work and some of which don't.If you try to teach your child to ride a bicycle and never let go, the child will never learn to balance. However, on the way to good bike riding, most children fall a few times.Even if the worst happens and the child fails, say fifth grade, the good news is that there is fifth grade every year. Harsh as that may seem, better to learn these lessons while the cost of a bad decision is cheap, than have to learn the lesson when the child is older and the costs greater.Third, you are now ready to handle the problem with your child by distributing the units of concern onto the appropriate set of shoulders. In this example, you let your child know that you are willing to help with homework, when it is convenient for you. You may set a time when you are available, or have some other set of parameters. When your child asks for help, you provide the assistance (not the answers) as long as the child is respectful and fun to be around. As soon as the child stops being respectful or fun to be around, you calmly get up and say as you are leaving, “I'm done for now, feel free to ask for my help again, when you (are more respectful) (can talk with me quietly) (are able to use good words and not nasty words).” The conversation and interaction are done. When you child comes in later and asks, “What am I going to do?If I can't do my homework I'll fail.”You can say something like, “Wow, that's quite a problem you have there.What do you think is the solution?”If your child asks politely for your help again and demonstrates that he or she will work with you, then go ahead. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by how quickly this method will eliminate battles and make homework something you and your child can actually share as a positive experience. Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D. is Director of The Center For Family Development, an Attachment Center in Western New York that specializes in the treatment of adoptive families and their children. He can be reached at 716-810-0790. Art was adopted as a child. He and his spouse, Susan are the parents of three children, one adopted internationally. Dr. Becker-Weidman achieved Diplomate status from the American Board of Psychological Specialties in Child Psychology.He is a Diplomate of the American College of Forensic Examiners. Dr. Becker- Weidman is an associate clinical professor at the State University of New York at Buffalo.He has over 50 publications and presentations at local, regional, and national organizations about adoption and child treatment issues. http://developmentsintherapy.wordpre...idman-responds |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:16:08 -0700 (PDT), Saruman of Isengard
wrote: The concept of “units-of-concern” is an effective way to resolving this problem. This is hugely useful to the Church of the SubGenius and alt.slack We don't have any ****ing units of concern. -- Zapanaz International Satanic Conspiracy Customer Support Specialist http://joecosby.com/ "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." - George W Bush, U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000 :: Currently listening to The Assman 640 Speaks, 2000, by Deltron 3030, from "Deltron 3030" |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty
round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D. [*] ----- |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:12:42 -0400, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar"
wrote: Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D. [*] ----- we should sing it in harmony -- Zapanaz International Satanic Conspiracy Customer Support Specialist http://joecosby.com/ "The coolness of the weapons helps take the sting out of having one's airports police-stated." -- Rev. Ivan Stang :: Currently listening to Cordoba, 1909, by Isaac Albéniz/John Williams, from "Spanish Guitar Music" |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:18:54 -0700, Zapanaz
wrote: On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:12:42 -0400, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar" wrote: Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D. [*] ----- we should sing it in harmony http://www.center4familydevelop.com/ ' At the Center For Family Development we only begin working with families after completing a thorough assessment. We carefully evaluate the child and the family. Our success rate is now over 95%. Success means that the child has developed the capacity to love and be loved and is functioning at least at about 80% of the level you'd expect for a child that age. ' .... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"? -- Zapanaz International Satanic Conspiracy Customer Support Specialist http://joecosby.com/ "I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it's a little late for that. I don't suppose I could offer your soul, huh? Really help me on the green. I'm just funning." --Mayor Wilkins "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" :: Currently listening to Sieben Variationen über Bei Männern, welche Liebe fühlen, Variation 1, 1801, by Beethoven, from "Cello-Sonaten" |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
On Oct 31, 9:31*pm, Zapanaz http://joecosby.com/code/mail.pl?
wrote: On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:18:54 -0700, Zapanaz wrote: On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:12:42 -0400, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar" wrote: Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D. [*] ----- we should sing it in harmony http://www.center4familydevelop.com/ ' At the Center For Family Development we only begin working with families after completing a thorough assessment. *We carefully evaluate the child and the family. *Our success rate is now over 95%. Success means that the child has developed the capacity to love and be loved and is functioning at least at about 80% of the level you'd expect for a child that age. ' ... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"? -- Zapanaz International Satanic Conspiracy Customer Support Specialisthttp://joecosby.com/ "I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it's a little late for that. I don't suppose I could offer your soul, huh? Really help me on the green. I'm just funning." --Mayor Wilkins "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" :: Currently listening to Sieben Variationen über Bei Männern, welche Liebe fühlen, Variation 1, 1801, by Beethoven, from "Cello-Sonaten" Alcandor's Family went there. The Counciler thought it was The Aristocrats |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:53:49 -0700, Zapanaz wrote:
On Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:16:08 -0700 (PDT), Saruman of Isengard wrote: The concept of “units-of-concern” is an effective way to resolving this problem. This is hugely useful to the Church of the SubGenius and alt.slack We don't have any ****ing units of concern. slack = 1 / units_of_concern As you unload the consequences of your actions upon others, your slack goes to infinity. -- The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. -- George Carlin |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the
average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"? Ever heard of statistical variance? |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
On Sun, 1 Nov 2009 03:58:58 -0800, "William Sommerwerck"
wrote: ... uhm ... so, if the kid hugs you, and is operating 20% below the average level for his age, they tick that one as "a success"? Ever heard of statistical variance? Yes. -- Zapanaz International Satanic Conspiracy Customer Support Specialist http://joecosby.com/ "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't." From The Novel :: Currently listening to Part 4: Psalm , 1964, by John Coltrane, from "A Love Supreme" |
Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman: The Homework Problem
On Oct 31, 6:12*pm, "iDRMRSR the Reclined Mastar"
wrote: Well, I'm sure all the devoted readars of alt.slack will join me in a hearty round of **** YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ****ING FAMALY DEVELOPMANT INSTATUTE, Dr.. Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D. Now hold off a second there, Mister Sister Doctor. Maybe he has somethin there. Maybe we ought to take a listen. What would be the harm in letting him,.... Hey! DONUTS!!! |
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 11:29 AM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004 - 2014 DIYbanter