'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said
'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run forpresident and over fifty
for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't you know it..... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison? A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and,
since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside? Another completely brilliant question!!!!

And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.


--

-Mike-

Here's another one for you.

Why is it that our lives is not controlled by the people, but by the
courts?



On Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:58:51 -0500, Mike Marlow wrote:

'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said
'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run forpresident and over
fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky
dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't you know it..... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison? A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside? Another completely brilliant question!!!!

And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
to the end, the faster it goes.

Mike Marlow wrote:
Here's mo

Coffee Break Humor


1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
large trash can.

10. A brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way.



--
Gerald Ross

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
be replaced you can't be promoted.

'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said
'Implants?' She hit me.


a few more and *not* PC

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will
power.'


I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about
the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it
eventually. '


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the
bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope,
you're still black'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is
wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus. The man says Do you want me to
call Father O'Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is
the last ting on my mind at the moment.


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself
I'm going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees
a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which
I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??


The answer I should have given was Fiji .


and a little virtual travel.......

WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN



I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.



I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.



I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
friends, family and work.



I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not in
to much on physical activity anymore.



I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to
visit there too often.



I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand
firm.



Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting
older.



One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
stimuli I can get!

Gerald Ross wrote:

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

This one seems to speak to me...


11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.


And this one just seems to be too damned true!



--

-Mike-

In ,
Mike Marlow typed:
'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

unwanted drivel snipped, above unwanted drivel left.

You're ignorant and pretty stupid to boot - go fart of people that like your
smells.

On 1/30/2012 5:21 PM, Twayne wrote:
In ,
Mike typed:
'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

unwanted drivel snipped, above unwanted drivel left.

You're ignorant and pretty stupid to boot - go fart of people that like your
smells.



Yes, we would not want to be ignorant and rude would we! Not that you
would be.

"Twayne" wrote in
:

In ,
Mike Marlow typed:
'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

unwanted drivel snipped, above unwanted drivel left.

You're ignorant and pretty stupid to boot - go fart of people that
like your smells.

The trouble with switching newsreaders is that the new one typically won't import the bozo bin filters
from the old one... Time to update the bozo bin. Again.

On Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:45:29 -0500, Keith Nuttle
Yes, we would not want to be ignorant and rude would we! Not that you
would be.

Being ignorant and rude is his forte. I guess everyone has expertise
in some way.

Twayne wrote:
In ,
Mike Marlow typed:
'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

unwanted drivel snipped, above unwanted drivel left.

You're ignorant and pretty stupid to boot - go fart of people that
like your smells.

"go fart of people that like your smells" - well now, that is quite
intelligent. Not at all ignorant, nor pretty stupid to boot. Try again
tomorrow when you are sober.

--

-Mike-

On Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:48:31 -0500, "Mike Marlow"
"go fart of people that like your smells" - well now, that is quite
intelligent. Not at all ignorant, nor pretty stupid to boot. Try again
tomorrow when you are sober.

He's not drunk. That's his everyday personality at work.

On 1/30/2012 7:51 PM, Dave wrote:
On Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:48:31 -0500, "Mike Marlow"
"go fart of people that like your smells" - well now, that is quite
intelligent. Not at all ignorant, nor pretty stupid to boot. Try again
tomorrow when you are sober.

He's not drunk. That's his everyday personality at work.

Is Twit still here. LOL I thought he would have given up long ago.

In ,
Keith Nuttle typed:
On 1/30/2012 5:21 PM, Twayne wrote:
In ,
Mike typed:
'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

unwanted drivel snipped, above unwanted drivel left.

You're ignorant and pretty stupid to boot - go fart of
people that like your smells.



Yes, we would not want to be ignorant and rude would we! Not that you
would be.

I'll often return in-kind comments to erudites and fools who have no brain
power and don't know how to post to relevant places. You abuse the privelege
of using the tag.

On Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:48:31 -0500, "Mike Marlow"
wrote:

Twayne wrote:
In ,
Mike Marlow typed:
'LIFE' THOUGHTS'

unwanted drivel snipped, above unwanted drivel left.

You're ignorant and pretty stupid to boot - go fart of people that
like your smells.

"go fart of people that like your smells" - well now, that is quite
intelligent. Not at all ignorant, nor pretty stupid to boot. Try again
tomorrow when you are sober.

Or you could filter him, as others have.

--
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs,
show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have
more beads than you know what to do with.
-- Ellen DeGeneres, Tulane Commencement Speech, 2009

In article ,
Twayne wrote:
I'll often return in-kind comments to erudites and fools who have no
brain power and don't know how to post to relevant places. You abuse
the privelege of using the tag.


Define relevant.

Groups are for the benefit of those who inhabite them not the thought
police

--
Stuart Winsor

Only plain text for emails
http://www.asciiribbon.org

On Tue, 31 Jan 2012 06:22:33 -0800, Larry Jaques
Or you could filter him, as others have.

Can't do that. It's fun to poke one of the resident twits. How else am
I going to get some amusement?

How close are you to Fulton or Oswego?

Lew

Lew Hodgett wrote:

How close are you to Fulton or Oswego?

Lew

20 to 30 minutes drive time, depending on road conditions.

--

-Mike-