HAVE YOU HEARD?
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes
from
0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman
that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened
my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social
Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my
wife
about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
'You
should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,'
I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't
been sober since. 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took
my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
please."He
said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can
order
for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She
is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I
feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told
her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her look big. I
told her not
as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came
from
outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and
yelled at the man 'Holy Mowly. That must be my husband!' So
the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out
the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a
thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few
minutes
later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back,
'Yeah,
then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
hooked up
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into
the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would
be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and
slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now
with a
different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out
there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" It
warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested,
"How about
the kitchen?"
And then the fight started....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire
while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
sex?" "No,"
she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She
didn't even
look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then
I'd like to
phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....