For all you fellows up to no good, working hard in those garage
machine shops (and I KNOW you're out there).

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set
in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers ...

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Us ed for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws
and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

LATHE: (from comments) Catapult for chuck key that some idiot
forgot to remove from chuck before switching on the motor. Also
useful for launching entire lathe chucks to bounce around the
room when some numbnutz is reverse cutting a thread and forgets
to properly lock chuck in place so it unscrews and you get to
watch "four jaws gone wild!"

THE AIR RATCHET (from comments) a time saving device most often
used to trap your knuckles up against a sharp edged object under
the hood of a car in such a manner as to wedge the trigger open
and making it impossible to turn off as it bangs away the hide
on the back of your hand.

Sipsey Street Irregulars:
http://sipseystreetirregulars.blogsp...o-no-good.html

When were you watching me work???


"Contrarian" wrote in message
...
For all you fellows up to no good, working hard in those garage
machine shops (and I KNOW you're out there).

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set
in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers ...

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Us ed for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws
and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

LATHE: (from comments) Catapult for chuck key that some idiot
forgot to remove from chuck before switching on the motor. Also
useful for launching entire lathe chucks to bounce around the
room when some numbnutz is reverse cutting a thread and forgets
to properly lock chuck in place so it unscrews and you get to
watch "four jaws gone wild!"

THE AIR RATCHET (from comments) a time saving device most often
used to trap your knuckles up against a sharp edged object under
the hood of a car in such a manner as to wedge the trigger open
and making it impossible to turn off as it bangs away the hide
on the back of your hand.

Sipsey Street Irregulars:
http://sipseystreetirregulars.blogsp...o-no-good.html

On Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:37:53 +0000 (UTC),
wrote:

The original (and better) version, written by Peter Egan, in Road &
Track magazine, can be seen at http://www.woodbutcher.net/tools.shtml
(and posted with permission).

I believe it's important to credit the author on such a masterful
work.





--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite

Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999

http://www.woodbutcher.net
http://www.normstools.com

Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997

email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
care to correspond with you anyway.

I have read "many" versions of this little article.

The original is wonderful.

LRod wrote:
On Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:37:53 +0000 (UTC),
wrote:

The original (and better) version, written by Peter Egan, in Road &
Track magazine, can be seen at http://www.woodbutcher.net/tools.shtml
(and posted with permission).

I believe it's important to credit the author on such a masterful
work.

"LRod" wrote in message
...
On Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:37:53 +0000 (UTC),
wrote:

The original (and better) version, written by Peter Egan, in Road &
Track magazine, can be seen at http://www.woodbutcher.net/tools.shtml
(and posted with permission).

I believe it's important to credit the author on such a masterful
work.





--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite

Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999

http://www.woodbutcher.net
http://www.normstools.com

Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997

email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
care to correspond with you anyway.

LRod,
Thanks for giving credit where credit's due. Egan is a great writer.
Kerry