A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

--
Andrew Gabriel
[email address is not usable -- followup in the newsgroup]

Andrew Gabriel wrote:
A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

Otherwise known as "pinchin' off a pipe choker"!

--
What else are opposable thumbs for? Get to me at
masterfix{at}btinternet{dot}com

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

MM

In article ,
MM wrote:
On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

This newsgroup is plumbing new areas of D-I-Y ...

Nick
--
Serendipity: http://www.leverton.org/blosxom (last update 29th March 2010)
"The Internet, a sort of ersatz counterfeit of real life"
-- Janet Street-Porter, BBC2, 19th March 1996

In article ,
MM wrote:
On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept
blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied, "it's like this. You've got
a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

If all else fails, angle grinder.

--
*If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Dave Plowman London SW
To e-mail, change noise into sound.

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100
MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept
blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch
arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

MM

It saves sawing off the longest leg of the stool.............
--
Davey.

Turds probably too close to 1 on the scale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale

Dave Plowman (News) wrote:

In article ,
MM wrote:
On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept
blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied, "it's like this. You've got
a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

If all else fails, angle grinder.


For his colon?

--
Tim Watts

On Aug 17, 10:51*am, 82045 wrote:
Turds probably too close to 1 on the scalehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale

Good one !

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100, MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

8 sachets of Movicol in 1 litre of water - even with a complete
blockage back up to the stomach you'll be ****ting through the eye of
a needle within a few hours.

I'd hazard a guess even a saniflow on its last legs could cope with
the 'solids'


--

"82045" wrote in message
...
Turds probably too close to 1 on the scale
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale


You mean there is an official scale! The only turd scale I knew before was
this one.

GHOST ****: You know you've ****ed. There is **** on the toilet paper but
none in the toilet.
TEFLON COATED ****: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even
feel it. No trace of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the
toilet to be sure you did it.
GOOEY ****: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underpants
so you don't stain them. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the
toilet.
SECOND THOUGHT ****: You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you
realize it, you've got some more.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD **** : This is the kind of **** that killed
Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and
purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS ****: You **** so much that you loose several kilograms.
RIGHT NOW ****: You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber
getting there. Usually, it has its head out before you get your pants down.
KING KONG ****: This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet
unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This
kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.
CORK **** ( Also known as a floater.): Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in the bowel. My god. How do I get rid of it ??
WET CHEEKS ****: This **** hits the water sideways and makes a big splash
that gets you all wet.
WISH ****: You sit there all cramped up for a few minutes, but no ****.
CEMENT BLOCK ****: You wish that you'd gotten a spinal block before you
****ed.
SNAKE ****: This **** is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb, and at
least three feet long.
MEXICAN FOOD **** ( Also called the screamer.): You know it's okay to eat
again when your bum stops burning.
BEER DRUNK AND MEAT PIE ****: This happens the day after the night before.
Normally your ****s don't smell too bad, but this one is BAD!!. Usually this
happens at someone else's house and there is someone standing outside the
door waiting to use the bathroom.

Ok, Ill get me coat :-)
Mike

"The Other Mike" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100, MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept
blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch
arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

8 sachets of Movicol in 1 litre of water - even with a complete
blockage back up to the stomach you'll be ****ting through the eye of
a needle within a few hours.

I'd hazard a guess even a saniflow on its last legs could cope with
the 'solids'
---------------
If you are as tight I am (financially speaking) Movicol is available on
prescription. Four sachets is enough for me.

Robbie
--

"Andrew Gabriel" wrote in message ...

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.


I find a squirt of WD40 daily up the chuff works wonders....Stops the local
pumping station rusting too

(Andrew Gabriel) writes:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Ive just had a leaflet from Anglian Water that says at the top
€œlove every drop€� and then in larger letters €œMake the most of
your sewerage services€�. Im not sure what they are trying to
encourage with that€¦

--
Jón Fairbairn
http://www.chaos.org.uk/~jf/Stuff-I-dont-want.html (updated 2010-09-14)

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 06:09:28 -0700 (PDT), robgraham wrote:

On Aug 17, 10:51*am, 82045 wrote:
Turds probably too close to 1 on the scalehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale

Good one !

Seems that the boblocker and bend-straightener are missing from that list.
Types 6 and 7 'cover' pebble-dashing etc.
--
Peter.
The gods will stay away
whilst religions hold sway

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:24:06 +0100, The Other Mike wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100, MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

8 sachets of Movicol in 1 litre of water - even with a complete
blockage back up to the stomach you'll be ****ting through the eye of
a needle within a few hours.

I'd hazard a guess even a saniflow on its last legs could cope with
the 'solids'

Picolax - the indirect way of getting a camel through the eye of a needle.
BTDT, had to dump the T-shirt!
--
Peter.
The gods will stay away
whilst religions hold sway

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 10:15:49 +0100, "Dave Plowman (News)"
wrote:

In article ,
MM wrote:
On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept
blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied, "it's like this. You've got
a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

If all else fails, angle grinder.

That's also kind what the colonoscopist said, too.

MM

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 06:09:28 -0700 (PDT), robgraham
wrote:

On Aug 17, 10:51*am, 82045 wrote:
Turds probably too close to 1 on the scalehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale

Good one !

That's the kind of remark I aim for every morning.

MM

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:52:19 +0100, "MuddyMike"
wrote:


"82045" wrote in message
...
Turds probably too close to 1 on the scale
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale


You mean there is an official scale! The only turd scale I knew before was
this one.

GHOST ****: You know you've ****ed. There is **** on the toilet paper but
none in the toilet.
TEFLON COATED ****: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even
feel it. No trace of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the
toilet to be sure you did it.
GOOEY ****: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underpants
so you don't stain them. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the
toilet.
SECOND THOUGHT ****: You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you
realize it, you've got some more.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD **** : This is the kind of **** that killed
Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and
purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS ****: You **** so much that you loose several kilograms.
RIGHT NOW ****: You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber
getting there. Usually, it has its head out before you get your pants down.
KING KONG ****: This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet
unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This
kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.
CORK **** ( Also known as a floater.): Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in the bowel. My god. How do I get rid of it ??
WET CHEEKS ****: This **** hits the water sideways and makes a big splash
that gets you all wet.
WISH ****: You sit there all cramped up for a few minutes, but no ****.
CEMENT BLOCK ****: You wish that you'd gotten a spinal block before you
****ed.
SNAKE ****: This **** is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb, and at
least three feet long.
MEXICAN FOOD **** ( Also called the screamer.): You know it's okay to eat
again when your bum stops burning.
BEER DRUNK AND MEAT PIE ****: This happens the day after the night before.
Normally your ****s don't smell too bad, but this one is BAD!!. Usually this
happens at someone else's house and there is someone standing outside the
door waiting to use the bathroom.

Ok, Ill get me coat :-)
Mike

It's no joke. You don't want constipation like I had, trust me. I
didn't "go" for almost a week. I'd stopped eating because I was afraid
the upper colon would burst (stuff going in, nowt coming out). Then
the hospital gave me a Fleet enema and boy, is that stuff the
business! Within 20 minutes the biggest explosion since World War II.

MM

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:24:06 +0100, The Other Mike
wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100, MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

8 sachets of Movicol in 1 litre of water - even with a complete
blockage back up to the stomach you'll be ****ting through the eye of
a needle within a few hours.

I take Movicol every day now. Marvellous stuff. But only one sachet
morning and evening is enough to keep the plumber at bay.

MM

On Thu, 18 Aug 2011 10:03:50 +0100, PeterC
wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:24:06 +0100, The Other Mike wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100, MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

8 sachets of Movicol in 1 litre of water - even with a complete
blockage back up to the stomach you'll be ****ting through the eye of
a needle within a few hours.

I'd hazard a guess even a saniflow on its last legs could cope with
the 'solids'

Picolax - the indirect way of getting a camel through the eye of a needle.
BTDT, had to dump the T-shirt!

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema. Bit embarrassing to have
to go to the outpatients and have a nurse stick one up your jacksy,
but as we get older and move less, constipation is a real problem for
millions. I eat so much roughage now I feel like a walking advert for
All-Bran.

MM

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM wrote:

On Thu, 18 Aug 2011 10:03:50 +0100, PeterC
wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:24:06 +0100, The Other Mike wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100, MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept
blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch
arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

8 sachets of Movicol in 1 litre of water - even with a complete
blockage back up to the stomach you'll be ****ting through the eye of
a needle within a few hours.

I'd hazard a guess even a saniflow on its last legs could cope with
the 'solids'

Picolax - the indirect way of getting a camel through the eye of a
needle.
BTDT, had to dump the T-shirt!

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema. Bit embarrassing to have
to go to the outpatients and have a nurse stick one up your jacksy,
but as we get older and move less, constipation is a real problem for
millions. I eat so much roughage now I feel like a walking advert for
All-Bran.

MM

And a major cause of constipation is low thyroid hormone levels. For some
people it is the most significant symptom by far.

Ask for a thyroid function test. It is not perfect, you can have a TSH
level within reference range but nonetheless have low thyroid hormone
levels, but it is a start.

--
Rod

In message , MM
writes
On Thu, 18 Aug 2011 10:03:50 +0100, PeterC
wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:24:06 +0100, The Other Mike wrote:

On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:46:31 +0100, MM wrote:

On Tue, 16 Aug 2011 18:57:45 +0000 (UTC),
(Andrew Gabriel) wrote:

A friend of my brother had a problem the the toilet keeping blocking,
and having to call out a plumber. He asked the plumber why it kept
blocking.

"Well, Mr. Hawes," the plumber replied,
"it's like this. You've got a 4 inch waste pipe, and a 6 inch arse..."

Fortunately, friend thought the comment was hilarious.

My colonoscopist recommended Fybogel to achieve loose stools. It
works! No more blockage.

8 sachets of Movicol in 1 litre of water - even with a complete
blockage back up to the stomach you'll be ****ting through the eye of
a needle within a few hours.

I'd hazard a guess even a saniflow on its last legs could cope with
the 'solids'

Picolax - the indirect way of getting a camel through the eye of a needle.
BTDT, had to dump the T-shirt!

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema. Bit embarrassing to have
to go to the outpatients and have a nurse stick one up your jacksy,
but as we get older and move less, constipation is a real problem for
millions. I eat so much roughage now I feel like a walking advert for
All-Bran.

While I don't really suffer from constipation, beetroot (cooked or
pickled) certainly seems to help to ensure that you have no trouble
'going'. [Nothing dramatic - just 'no problems'.] Note that cooked
beetroot has an interesting effect on the colour of your pee, so don't
be alarmed!
--
Ian

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM wrote:

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema.

You might have been lucky, but if everything has come to a halt you
need more than that as there is 30 ft of plumbing and a fleet enema
only fixes the last few feet.

The quick(ish) fix is fluids and something to get the balance of
fluids in the intestine back to normal - polyethylene glycol ("safe"
antifreeze)


--

The following will blow all others out of the water as far as loosening
one's bowels go....

drink stout guiness (the stuff that comes in bottles, not draught in cans,)
and eat some strong cheddar....

you will be permanently attached to the loo within 30 minutes of ingesting
said Stout Guinness and cheddar with violent farting and projectile
diarrheoa combined, gauranteed.

I discovered this by accident when I had the midnight munchies...... how
the pan survived the onslaught, I'll never know, but it was so bad I could
not get off the loo for a good hour, it was such a draining
experience.......

The loo looked like someone had poured a gallon of brown paint all over it
and I had to use the karcher jet wash to clean it......

Stephen



"The Other Mike" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM wrote:

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema.

You might have been lucky, but if everything has come to a halt you
need more than that as there is 30 ft of plumbing and a fleet enema
only fixes the last few feet.

The quick(ish) fix is fluids and something to get the balance of
fluids in the intestine back to normal - polyethylene glycol ("safe"
antifreeze)


--

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 17:51:52 +0100
The Other Mike wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM wrote:

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema.

You might have been lucky, but if everything has come to a halt you
need more than that as there is 30 ft of plumbing and a fleet enema
only fixes the last few feet.

I was thinking the same thing, there is an awful lot more that Fleet
can't flush.

The quick(ish) fix is fluids and something to get the balance of
fluids in the intestine back to normal - polyethylene glycol ("safe"
antifreeze)



When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take the
evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.
--
Davey.

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 17:51:52 +0100, The Other Mike
wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM wrote:

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema.

You might have been lucky, but if everything has come to a halt you
need more than that as there is 30 ft of plumbing and a fleet enema
only fixes the last few feet.

Well, yes, but then I started on the Movicol/Fybogel/wholemeal bread
regimen.

The quick(ish) fix is fluids and something to get the balance of
fluids in the intestine back to normal - polyethylene glycol ("safe"
antifreeze)

Yes, that's another thing they told me: drink PLENTY of plain water (8
glasses a day).

MM

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 19:23:53 +0100, Davey
wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 17:51:52 +0100
The Other Mike wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM wrote:

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema.

You might have been lucky, but if everything has come to a halt you
need more than that as there is 30 ft of plumbing and a fleet enema
only fixes the last few feet.

I was thinking the same thing, there is an awful lot more that Fleet
can't flush.

The quick(ish) fix is fluids and something to get the balance of
fluids in the intestine back to normal - polyethylene glycol ("safe"
antifreeze)



When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take the
evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.

Yep. Done that, too. And the following day I had to travel 30 miles in
an NHS hire car to Lincoln hospital to have the colonoscopy done. Got
there without any 'accidents', but it's a very unpleasant experience,
the prepartion, I mean. But I don't want to put anyone off having a
colonoscopy done. It's uncomfortable, but not painful. I didn't choose
a sedative because you stay drowsy for ages afterwards I'm told. I
just gritted my teeth and watched the monitor, like observing progress
on the construction of the Channel Tunnel.

What a weird life some medical practitioners lead, eh!

MM

When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take the
evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.

It was exactly the same for the stout guiness and cheddar, fortunately for
me, I was in the small bedroom next door to the bathroom. If I had been any
further away, I would have not made it to the bog......

Stephen

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 20:10:12 +0100, Stephen wrote:


When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take the
evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.

It was exactly the same for the stout guiness and cheddar, fortunately
for
me, I was in the small bedroom next door to the bathroom. If I had been
any
further away, I would have not made it to the bog......

Stephen

Many moons ago I did a stint as a hospital cleaner. Actually really
enjoyed most of it. But every so often we would be called to X-ray. It was
always that someone, having been given a barium enema, had not been
successful in holding on to it. Used to be amazed that it would be
spattered across the ceiling...

--
Rod

"polygonum" wrote in message
news
On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 20:10:12 +0100, Stephen wrote:


When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take the
evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.

It was exactly the same for the stout guiness and cheddar, fortunately
for
me, I was in the small bedroom next door to the bathroom. If I had been
any
further away, I would have not made it to the bog......

Stephen

Many moons ago I did a stint as a hospital cleaner. Actually really
enjoyed most of it. But every so often we would be called to X-ray. It was
always that someone, having been given a barium enema, had not been
successful in holding on to it. Used to be amazed that it would be
spattered across the ceiling...

I had terrible trouble with one of those. The barium insertion was no
trouble at all, neither was the air which they inject. When it was all over
I was still fine. A few mins later things got quite painful but I got in the
car and drove home during which I had the worst pains I've ever had in my
life caused purely by the air. It lasted about an hour and was torture.

constipation, after a day or so and things don't look like moving, get
some Lactulose syrup (over the counter) down your neck, 10-15ml 3-4 times a
day. It usually shifts it in a day or two.

Mind how you go.

MM wrote:
On Wed, 17 Aug 2011 15:52:19 +0100, "MuddyMike"
wrote:


"82045" wrote in message
...
Turds probably too close to 1 on the scale
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale


You mean there is an official scale! The only turd scale I knew
before was this one.

GHOST ****: You know you've ****ed. There is **** on the toilet
paper but none in the toilet.
TEFLON COATED ****: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you
don't even feel it. No trace of **** on the toilet paper, you have
to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
GOOEY ****: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times
and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in
your underpants so you don't stain them. This **** leaves permanent
skid marks in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHT ****: You're all done wiping and about to stand up
when you realize it, you've got some more.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD **** : This is the kind of **** that
killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty,
trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS ****: You **** so much that you loose several
kilograms. RIGHT NOW ****: You better be within 30 seconds of a
toilet. You burn rubber getting there. Usually, it has its head out
before you get your pants down. KING KONG ****: This one is so big
that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into
smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of ****
usually happens at someone else's house.
CORK **** ( Also known as a floater.): Even after the third flush,
it's still floating in the bowel. My god. How do I get rid of it ??
WET CHEEKS ****: This **** hits the water sideways and makes a big
splash that gets you all wet.
WISH ****: You sit there all cramped up for a few minutes, but no
****. CEMENT BLOCK ****: You wish that you'd gotten a spinal block
before you ****ed.
SNAKE ****: This **** is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb,
and at least three feet long.
MEXICAN FOOD **** ( Also called the screamer.): You know it's okay
to eat again when your bum stops burning.
BEER DRUNK AND MEAT PIE ****: This happens the day after the night
before. Normally your ****s don't smell too bad, but this one is
BAD!!. Usually this happens at someone else's house and there is
someone standing outside the door waiting to use the bathroom.

Ok, Ill get me coat :-)
Mike

It's no joke. You don't want constipation like I had, trust me. I
didn't "go" for almost a week. I'd stopped eating because I was afraid
the upper colon would burst (stuff going in, nowt coming out). Then
the hospital gave me a Fleet enema and boy, is that stuff the
business! Within 20 minutes the biggest explosion since World War II.

I always knew you were full of it.

--
Adam

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 19:23:53 +0100, Davey wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 17:51:52 +0100
The Other Mike wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM wrote:

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema.

You might have been lucky, but if everything has come to a halt you
need more than that as there is 30 ft of plumbing and a fleet enema
only fixes the last few feet.

I was thinking the same thing, there is an awful lot more that Fleet
can't flush.

The quick(ish) fix is fluids and something to get the balance of
fluids in the intestine back to normal - polyethylene glycol ("safe"
antifreeze)


When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take the
evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.

Same for me. The Picolax wasn't for constipation, so it had one hell of an
effect! I had hardly any sleep that night before the colonoscopy for fear of
a disaster.
After the inspection I just crashed out (the drug used helped a lot) and
after a while my pulse dropped to under 40 so the companion that I had to
have woke me. That's the trouble with having a GF who's a doctor - can't let
a sleeping man die.
--
Peter.
The gods will stay away
whilst religions hold sway

On Sat, 20 Aug 2011 09:44:14 +0100
PeterC wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 19:23:53 +0100, Davey wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 17:51:52 +0100
The Other Mike wrote:

On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:04:01 +0100, MM
wrote:

No, that was ruddy useless. The thing that opened up negotiations
between stomach and anus was the Fleet enema.

You might have been lucky, but if everything has come to a halt you
need more than that as there is 30 ft of plumbing and a fleet enema
only fixes the last few feet.

I was thinking the same thing, there is an awful lot more that Fleet
can't flush.

The quick(ish) fix is fluids and something to get the balance of
fluids in the intestine back to normal - polyethylene glycol
("safe" antifreeze)


When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take
the evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.

Same for me. The Picolax wasn't for constipation, so it had one hell
of an effect! I had hardly any sleep that night before the
colonoscopy for fear of a disaster.
After the inspection I just crashed out (the drug used helped a lot)
and after a while my pulse dropped to under 40 so the companion that
I had to have woke me. That's the trouble with having a GF who's a
doctor - can't let a sleeping man die.

Mine was called something like 'Golightly', but it was in America. The
name was the absolute opposite of what happened. The timetable was such
that all the explosive events were over by bedtime.
The next day, after prep., I was lying on the bed waiting for the
doctor to arrive. I looked over to the nurses, who were cleaning
another probe, and every time I looked at it, and thought about one of
them going up inside me, my pulserate jumped up. I looked away, and it
came back down again.
I suppose I'm due for another one soon......
--
Davey.

When I was getting ready for a colonoscopy, the stuff I had to take
the evening before had the mixing and drinking instructions, and the
warning:
"When you feel the need to visit the toilet, GO DIRECTLY TO THE
BATHROOM, DO NOT STOP ON THE WAY".
They were not kidding.

LOL was that the Fleet stuff?. Took some nothing happened for around 10
mins then !! MAN THE BOATS!! RUN FOR IT!!!.. Jezz that sure does what
it sez on the tin!...


Same for me. The Picolax wasn't for constipation, so it had one hell
of an effect! I had hardly any sleep that night before the
colonoscopy for fear of a disaster.
After the inspection I just crashed out (the drug used helped a lot)
and after a while my pulse dropped to under 40 so the companion that
I had to have woke me. That's the trouble with having a GF who's a
doctor - can't let a sleeping man die.

Mine was called something like 'Golightly', but it was in America. The
name was the absolute opposite of what happened. The timetable was such
that all the explosive events were over by bedtime.
The next day, after prep., I was lying on the bed waiting for the
doctor to arrive. I looked over to the nurses, who were cleaning
another probe, and every time I looked at it, and thought about one of
them going up inside me, my pulserate jumped up. I looked away, and it
came back down again.
I suppose I'm due for another one soon......

Well I was very apprehensive before I had mine the consultant didn't
like the symptoms over 55 and rectal bleeding that wasn't piles..

Was given a very good anaesthetic and didn't remember a thing apart from
waking up and wondering when they were going to start!..

Anyways was told that they found a pre cancerous polyp and snipped it
out an a potential case of Bowel cancer prevented...

Recommended to anyone over 55 odd and/or with a family history of the
illness....


Some interesting vids here and do NOT attempt this as a DIY project;!...

http://www.gihealth.com/html/education/photo.html

http://www.gihealth.com/html/test/colonoscopy.html
--
Tony Sayer

On Sat, 20 Aug 2011 11:34:43 +0100, Davey
wrote:

I suppose I'm due for another one soon......

The Bowel Cancer Screening Team at Lincoln said I have to have another
scan every two years till I'm 75. Next one due in 2012. Last time they
found evidence of diverticulosis, but no polyps and the biopies were
negative.

Really looking forward to that cup of tea and a biscuit afterwards,
though...

MM

Stephen wrote:
It was exactly the same for the stout guiness and cheddar, fortunately for
me, I was in the small bedroom next door to the bathroom. If I had been any
further away, I would have not made it to the bog......

Couple of years ago I had a bad case of Winter Vomiting[1] Virus and
didn't even get as far as the ambulance. I was passing in and out of
conciosness, so didn't really notice myself.

[1]Slightly misnamed.

MM wrote:
scan every two years till I'm 75. Next one due in 2012. Last time they
found evidence of diverticulosis, but no polyps and the biopies were
negative.

Hmmm. The more I read the more I keep telling myself I should get mine
at the other end rechecked, it's 15 years since they were looked at
and
I've noticed odd tightnesses and nosebleeds occuring recently.

JGH

In article ,
polygonum wrote:
On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 20:10:12 +0100, Stephen wrote:

It was exactly the same for the stout guiness and cheddar, fortunately
for
me, I was in the small bedroom next door to the bathroom. If I had been
any
further away, I would have not made it to the bog......

Stephen

Many moons ago I did a stint as a hospital cleaner. Actually really
enjoyed most of it. But every so often we would be called to X-ray. It was
always that someone, having been given a barium enema, had not been
successful in holding on to it. Used to be amazed that it would be
spattered across the ceiling...

Couldn't they have put a bucket upside down just in case ?

Nick
--
Serendipity: http://www.leverton.org/blosxom (last update 29th March 2010)
"The Internet, a sort of ersatz counterfeit of real life"
-- Janet Street-Porter, BBC2, 19th March 1996

On Sat, 20 Aug 2011 20:57:03 +0100, Nick Leverton
wrote:

In article ,
polygonum wrote:
On Fri, 19 Aug 2011 20:10:12 +0100, Stephen
wrote:

It was exactly the same for the stout guiness and cheddar, fortunately
for
me, I was in the small bedroom next door to the bathroom. If I had been
any
further away, I would have not made it to the bog......

Stephen

Many moons ago I did a stint as a hospital cleaner. Actually really
enjoyed most of it. But every so often we would be called to X-ray. It
was
always that someone, having been given a barium enema, had not been
successful in holding on to it. Used to be amazed that it would be
spattered across the ceiling...

Couldn't they have put a bucket upside down just in case ?

Nick

I think they would have had to line the walls with buckets at just the
right angle as well....

It was sometimes **everywhere**.

Hmm - I think I rather have a spattered ceiling than an inverted bucketful
above my head. :-)

--
Rod