April 1, 10:44 AM EDT

Initiative to Kill Death Panels Announced at Macabre-themed
Palin-McCain Rally

By PILAR SLOOF
Associated Press Writer

DEATH VALLEY (AP) -- At an early morning rally in Death Valley,
California, Sarah Palin and U.S. Senator John McCain (R, AZ) fired
their latest salvos against death panels. Joining the headliners and
a large media contingent was an enthusiastic crowd of about 200 which
arrived at the dusty site in a fleet of short yellow buses.

Mrs Palin took the podium first, and used most of her time to lecture
the animated crowd about the ills of government and how it needed to
be "put down." She also thanked McCain for her appointment as Deputy
Senator, and warned that "liberals need to get out of Dodge cus
there's a new sheriff in town." Channeling Ronald Reagan in his later
days, she wrapped up her address by declaring "no government is yer
best government." Her comments were frequently interrupted by
substantial applause and cheering. Supporters waved signs with
colorful alliterations such as: "More Money for Medicare, None for
Hitler", and, "Soshilism: NO!, Soshil Security: HEEEELL YES!!!!"

Following an introduction lauding him as "the biggest rogue of them
all," Senator McCain began his speech by thanking the crowd for their
support on such an appropriate date. Response to his remarks was less
than enthusiastic however. Typical of the crowd's reaction was an
elderly attendee overheard complaining "why doesn't Sarah leave pappy
at home in Alaska to take care of the grand kids?" The senator,
having recently pledged to do no legislating for the balance of the
year, announced that he is suspending his strike and returning to
Washington immediately in order to spearhead the effort to "save
America from the Hayworth-Obama death panels." But when he paused for
anticipated applause, the crowd remained motionless and quiet. Taking
advantage of the lull, Mrs Palin edged him aside and resumed control.
"Y'all know that John McCain is a war hero that won't apologize fer
bein an American, and some of ya even know that he was a good friend
of Colonel Custerd," she screeched, "but what I'm here to tell ya is
that he's gonna do to death panels what we did to the Democrats last
November." The crowd went wild, with only a few bewildered looks
betraying any curiosity about the misstatements or what year this
might be. McCain, in keeping with the theme of the rally, appeared to
be wearing funereal makeup, as well as a death grimace that he
maintained whenever Palin had the microphone.

Perhaps eager to escape before any booing could begin, McCain shambled
aboard a supporter's remarkably shaggy flatbed truck, which soon
rumbled off trailing a cloud of dust and blue smoke. Shortly
thereafter Palin's security personnel cleared a path for her entourage
to a waiting line of limousines. A crush of reporters, who appeared
to outnumber spectators, shouted dozens of questions, mostly about
potential reality shows and running mates. The sole response was
received by a fellow who'd thought to distinguish himself by wearing a
moose-antler cap. He wanted to know which specific passage in the
recent healthcare legislation authorized any death panels. "Um, all
of it, any of it that is put in front of me," replied Palin as she
disappeared behind a rapidly closing tinted window.

After the departure of the limousines, which left two parallel tracks
of flattened tea bags, the crowd broke up into smaller groups. One
gaggle attracted most of the media's attention owing to some pushing
and shoving. The ruckus was swiftly quelled by a security guard who
declared that the victor was the frail octogenarian who'd been
insisting that Bristol Palin's husband was indeed named Wrangler, and
not Tracfone. The somewhat younger pot-bellied opponent appeared
chastened, yet satisfied at having been involved in the most exciting
event of the rally. With most of the attendees having nothing better
to do for the balance of the morning, they resumed chanting "death to
the Dee Pees!" Apparently they've learned little from their previous
faux pas of saddling themselves with the unfortunate moniker of
"teabaggers."

Mrs. Palin is widely expected to announce her candidacy for president
later this year when she appears as the premiere guest on FOX's
revival of "Fernwood 2Nite", starring Conan O'Brien and former senator
John McCain.
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