Got a new TV. Just a plain vanilla televisionary set ... I thought.

Used to be ya bought a TV, plugged it in, hooked up the antenna or
cable, turned it on and watched it -- at least until a tube burned
out. Then ya took the tubes to the drugstore, tested them, found the
bad one and bought a replacement for $1.59.

Not anymore! Ya get a "menu". The TV doesn't have knobs, just a
remote with a bazillion cryptic buttons on it. Gotta read the
directions. I finally figured out which button to press that didn't
just get me a new menu of cryptic questions like "S-video or
cappucino?" TV, goddamnit!

Would I rike Engrish, Spanish, Ebonese or Chinglish?
What date and time is it -- or would I rather wait half an hour for it
to figure it out for itself? (If it can tune a channel to determine
the date and time, why the hell can't I watch a program awready?)
Have I ever been convicted of a felony? If so, was it a sex crime?
Just business? And so on....

All I wanna do is turn on the freakin' TV, select a channel and watch
the SOB. It was once easier to buy a house. I'm almost afraid to
buy a new toaster.

I do like the "mute" button, though it doesn't seem to work when
pointed at my older-model wife.