WASHINGTON, DC-A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the
Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant
all Americans a "crappy Valentine's Day."

"This Feb. 14th on the Western infidels' calendar, may all Americans
receive no valentines from their beloved ones," bin Laden said. "May
the homemade construction-paper mailboxes taped to the desks of the
American schoolchildren remain empty, as well. May whomever you ask to
'bee yours' tell you to 'buzz off.'"

Bin Laden called for "romantic humiliation for all Americans of
courting and betrothal age."

"Allah willing, embarrassment and tearful rejection shall rule this
day," bin Laden said. "Paper hearts shall be rent and trod upon, and
dreams of love delivered stillborn. Body language shall be
misinterpreted, crushes unrequited, and sincere expressions of
affection mocked. Invitations to dinner will be rejected, just as
Americans have rejected Allah, the one true God."

During a speech before the Oklahoma Cattlemen's Association, President
Bush condemned the al-Qaeda leader's remarks.

"[Bin Laden's] sinister call for romantic disappointment on Valentine's
Day is yet another demonstration of the ruthless hatred this evil
individual harbors for the American way of life," Bush said. "He
directs rage at even our youngest and most innocent citizens, asking
God to quash children's joy by making them receive, and I quote, 'only
unwanted valentines bearing the laughable likenesses of out-of-favor
pop-culture icons from the recent past, such as the Backstreet Boys and
the creatures from Monsters, Inc.'"

"Bin Laden's depravity knows no bounds," Bush added.

According to state officials, bin Laden demonstrated an uncanny
knowledge of Valentine's Day customs, in spite of the fact that the
holiday is not celebrated in the Arab world. In addition to his
allusions to classroom valentines, bin Laden cited heart-shaped
candies, valentine personal ads in free alternative weeklies, and foot
massages.

"In this infamous February, may all American hearts be crushed like a
box of conversation hearts that is tossed carelessly into the bottom of
a fellow student's schoolbag," bin Laden said. "We soldiers of Allah
pledge with our blood and souls that all pink and red carnations shall
wither and drop from their stalks before they make their way to the
desks of America's secretaries. Instead of receiving hugs and kisses,
they and their extended families shall be besieged with boos and
hisses."

Bin Laden added: "May your special Valentine's Day dinner be spent at
an overrated restaurant that impoverishes your purse and leaves your
stomach churning with indigestible Western cuisine."

Bin Laden did not overlook the innocuous custom of giving stuffed
animals as gifts.

"The teddy bear that holds the 'I love you' heart does not love you at
all," Bin Laden said. "It is an unliving, unholy thing filled only with
stuffing. Just as the Western infidel is not bestowed with the
blessings of Allah, so shall he go unloved by the false bear."

The release of the bin Laden tape is consistent with the al-Qaeda
leader's inclination to speak out before major American events, such as
the 2004 U.S. presidential election.

"Perhaps whoever told bin Laden about Valentine's Day exaggerated its
significance," departing Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said.
"Or, I don't know, maybe he was just itching to release another tape."

The Department of Homeland Security did not raise the terror advisory,
recommending that Americans proceed with their Valentine's Day plans.
This is in spite of the final words of bin Laden's address.

"Come Monday, as you pry open your fancy, red Russell Stover box, take
heed," bin Laden said. "For in the place of tasty caramels and
buttercreams, you will find the flaming sword of righteous jihad!"

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4106

Matt wrote:
WASHINGTON, DC-A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the
Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant
all Americans a "crappy Valentine's Day."

"This Feb. 14th on the Western infidels' calendar, may all Americans
receive no valentines from their beloved ones," bin Laden said. "May
the homemade construction-paper mailboxes taped to the desks of the
American schoolchildren remain empty, as well. May whomever you ask to
'bee yours' tell you to 'buzz off.'"

Bin Laden called for "romantic humiliation for all Americans of
courting and betrothal age."

"Allah willing, embarrassment and tearful rejection shall rule this
day," bin Laden said. "Paper hearts shall be rent and trod upon, and
dreams of love delivered stillborn. Body language shall be
misinterpreted, crushes unrequited, and sincere expressions of
affection mocked. Invitations to dinner will be rejected, just as
Americans have rejected Allah, the one true God."

During a speech before the Oklahoma Cattlemen's Association, President
Bush condemned the al-Qaeda leader's remarks.

"[Bin Laden's] sinister call for romantic disappointment on
Valentine's Day is yet another demonstration of the ruthless hatred
this evil individual harbors for the American way of life," Bush
said. "He directs rage at even our youngest and most innocent
citizens, asking God to quash children's joy by making them receive,
and I quote, 'only unwanted valentines bearing the laughable
likenesses of out-of-favor pop-culture icons from the recent past,
such as the Backstreet Boys and the creatures from Monsters, Inc.'"

"Bin Laden's depravity knows no bounds," Bush added.

According to state officials, bin Laden demonstrated an uncanny
knowledge of Valentine's Day customs, in spite of the fact that the
holiday is not celebrated in the Arab world. In addition to his
allusions to classroom valentines, bin Laden cited heart-shaped
candies, valentine personal ads in free alternative weeklies, and foot
massages.

"In this infamous February, may all American hearts be crushed like a
box of conversation hearts that is tossed carelessly into the bottom
of a fellow student's schoolbag," bin Laden said. "We soldiers of
Allah pledge with our blood and souls that all pink and red
carnations shall wither and drop from their stalks before they make
their way to the desks of America's secretaries. Instead of receiving
hugs and kisses, they and their extended families shall be besieged
with boos and hisses."

Bin Laden added: "May your special Valentine's Day dinner be spent at
an overrated restaurant that impoverishes your purse and leaves your
stomach churning with indigestible Western cuisine."

Bin Laden did not overlook the innocuous custom of giving stuffed
animals as gifts.

"The teddy bear that holds the 'I love you' heart does not love you at
all," Bin Laden said. "It is an unliving, unholy thing filled only
with stuffing. Just as the Western infidel is not bestowed with the
blessings of Allah, so shall he go unloved by the false bear."

The release of the bin Laden tape is consistent with the al-Qaeda
leader's inclination to speak out before major American events, such
as the 2004 U.S. presidential election.

"Perhaps whoever told bin Laden about Valentine's Day exaggerated its
significance," departing Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said.
"Or, I don't know, maybe he was just itching to release another tape."

The Department of Homeland Security did not raise the terror advisory,
recommending that Americans proceed with their Valentine's Day plans.
This is in spite of the final words of bin Laden's address.

"Come Monday, as you pry open your fancy, red Russell Stover box, take
heed," bin Laden said. "For in the place of tasty caramels and
buttercreams, you will find the flaming sword of righteous jihad!"

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=410