If your home catches on fire, follow these easy steps.

1. Try to **** on the fire and see if you can make it out. Have all your
friends do the same. A few buckets of water may help too, while you
quickly drink a lot of beer so you can **** more.

2. Get all your beer and liquor out of the house. You're gonna need it
after the fire. Carry your entire fridge outside if it contains a lot of
beer.

3. Get your television out of the house, so you can watch your burning
home on the 10pm news.

4. Grab all your most valuable stuff, such as cash, jewelry, guns, DVD
collection, favorite beer mugs, sex toys, and so on, and take that stuff
outside.

5. Call your insurance agent and tell them to come watch the fire. They
will be paying you, so let them see your home burning.

6. Phone the builder of your home, and bitch about the crappy materials
used to build your home, and let them know the fire is THEIR FAULT! Be
sure to threaten them with a law suit.

7. If there are pets in your home, carry them outdoors and put them in
your car. While you're in your car, blow your horn so everyone knows
about your fire.

8. If there are other people in your house, wake them up, and tell them
to help you remove your furniture.

9. Call the fire department and report your fire. Be sure to tell them
your correct address.

10. If you were able to rescue a bag of marshmallows, this is the time
to roast them on the flames coming out of your home. Do this while you
drink your beer and text all your friends to come over and watch the
fire. Be sure to use your cellphone and take lots of pictures of the
fire, and post them on facebook, as they are taken.

11. After the fire department arrives, post a message on
alt.home.repair, asking how to replace everything in your home.

*NOTE* DO NOT attempt to do any home repairs while your home is still
burning. You'll only waste lumber and other building materials if you
begin building a new home on the same foundation, while the old house is
still burning. Plus, you'll probably **** off the fire fighters, because
you will likely cut their fire hoses with your cordless 24volt chain
saw.

* AFTER THE FIRE* Post lots of complaints on facebook, against the
president of the United States, making sure everyone knows that "HE" is
the reason your home burned to the ground, because HE is not doing
anything to stop terrorists or ban guns, gays, matches, lighters,
candles, electricity, gas, and other things that cause fire. Then
threaten to vote for a candidate from the opposing political party in
the next election. Be sure to let everyone know that the fire caused
your wife to get an abortion, become a lesbian, and leave her church,
and turned all your kids into heroine addicts.

On 07/09/2016 06:30 AM, wrote:

[snip]

and turned all your kids into heroine addicts.

Penultimate word looks like funny typo.