"Alan Holmes" wrote in message
...


Funerals are a disgusting trade, replete with rip-offs and
excessive markups.

I couldn't agree more.

My family has full instructions on what's to happen to us when we pop
off. No stranger must have anything to do with our bodies or the
celebrations or burial. Money saved will be used for the Party of
Parties.

Hurrah! Got rid of the old gits at last! I've begun a collection of
champagne and have made a shroud. It will have to be re-used for the
other.

But will crematoriums accept shrouds?

I'm not going to a crematorium. It's environmentally unfriendly.

I want dance music to be played at my funeral.

They can play whatever they like at mine but I doubt they'll want music.As
long as there's enough champagne they'll be happy.

Oh - you mean at the ceremony? Yes, a friend and I pledged years ago that
I'd officiate at his or he at mine and we'd have dancing in the aisles.
Trouble is, he's disappeared ...

You don't need a ceremony in a dedicated building of course. Or at all.

What annoys me is that I can't dictate what will happen to my corpse, it
becomes the property of my next of kin and they can do what they like with
it. That's a disgrace. However, it will be in the interests of our offspring
to do what we want and even without the threat of haunting I'm confident
that they will.

Mary