So the plenty-of-life-left-in-it-yet (N reg) Golfmobile estate has its
MoT in a week or three. And the everhelpful independent mechanics
(Graham Batts, for anyone in Bristle - a fine place to get your VWs,
Audis, Porsches(as-if), and Skoden(more-like) fixed) said at its service
a little while back 'one of your two rear numberplate bulbs is
intermittent, we'll need to fix that for the MoT, let us know a few
weeks before you bring it in since the screws are rusted up and we'll
need to order new bits in'.

Well, rusted screws. How hard can it be? I've got a Dremel, I've got
attitude, I've got cold chisels, I've got (or had when I started) daylight.

Yes well. I'm really, REALLY glad the VW beancounters decided to use
zinc-plated - if that ;-( - self-tappers, rather than going mad and
shelling out for stainless, to hold the bulb covers in place. The
vaguest racial memory of a crosshead remains in a couple of them;
touching with a screwdriver makes the in-memoriam rust fall off, to
leave a vaguely-domed, grip-free half-dome head. Of course it's under a
lip, so access to sides of the head is effectively impossible. Cutting a
slot into the heads let me turn a couple of the four (two for each bulb,
may as well renew both of them at the same time) for (a) a turn and a
half, (b) half a turn, before half of the head on one snapped off, and
the other one stuck fast. Get one cover off with only one side's
mounting hole cracked off; the other one's not going anywhere.

OK, how does the trim come off? Ah, plastic pop fixings. Pop. Pop. Pop.
Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Hmm, moves OK at this side, seems stuck by the
handgrab. Ooh, it's a separate little moulded piece. Pop. Out with the
bolt. OK, what keeps the trim in place at the top of the door? Looks
like a snap fixing. How hard do I dare pull? Hmm, harder; lever a
big-ass screwdriver in - success! Right, I guess the numberplate screws
have to come off too, to get full access to their lights. Great, they're
rusted up too - luckily with enough head to afford grip on the sides to
the molewrench. Off they come. Right, out with the plasticky tray that
holds the numberplate and lights - release the light connectors first,
mind. Spin, spin, spin those little nuts off. The top ones here are
corroded too, so one of the studs breaks free of the plastic surround
it's 'held' in as I undo the nuts.

Success. Car's now both road-illegal (no plate, let alone lights) and
inviting to scrotes (nice big hole into boot and doorlock mech exposed -
cool!). Off to workshop (the garage which, if the car was kept in,
might've slowed down the rusting of these screws; but what uk.d-i-y'er
keeps a *car* in their garage!?) to drill out or otherwise persuade bits
of screw out of plastick moulding to release second lamp cover. Turns
out they're not going into sheet metal, just a thickened bit of plastic;
but rust on their rear ends is quite enough to stop them wanting to turn.

Interlude: buy replacement bulbs - at least the lampholders are
seperable units (once the diffuser/covers are off), and keeping bulb and
diffuser should keep the MoT Type Approval jobsworths off my back (I was
ready to replace the lamps with a row of white LEDs at this point ;-).
Replace lampholders, secure diffusers with excess of hotmelt glue
(previous lamps lasted 9 years, new ones should do as long, by which
time this car'll be pensioned off, or sent to do a Meeja Studies degree
- it'll be just the right age...) Refit numberplate (more hotmelt glue
to supplement the weedy selftappers), refit cleaned-up stud to n-plate
housing (more hotmelt glue), apply silicone sealant to bodywork before
refitting n-plate housing (tasteful white streak around numberplate
surround now, couldn't be fagged searching for the clear sealant!).
Turn on lights - yes, both bulbs alight. Of course, one'll probably blow
the day before the MoT...

Total time to fix: about 2 soddin' hours. But hey, Wolfsburg gained
multiple pfennings on the cost of the fixings - I mean, *stainless*
self-tappers!? Madness! madness, I tell you!

Stefek