On 2/29/2012 5:15 PM, Don Foreman wrote:
On Tue, 28 Feb 2012 19:32:57 -0800, Larry Jaques
wrote:

On Tue, 28 Feb 2012 20:51:30 -0600, Don Foreman
wrote:



In olden days, people would grieve for a year and then get on with
their lives. I wholeheartedly recommend the same to you, my friend.

No, they didn't. That's what others expected. Widows wore black for
a year and then were presumed to be "over it".

I got that same advice from my Dr, who wants to treat me for
depression. I am not depressed, I am grieving and there's a
significant difference though many symptoms are similar. People in
depression can't laugh, have fun or experience joy. I definitely
can and do.

I don't know you, and I wouldn't presume to tele-diagnose. I will just
say that depression isn't a mood, it's a medical condition. If you're
grieving or mourning, which is a mental state, it quite possibly is
causing the medical condition of depression. You should listen to your
doctor, then just be conservative in taking any medication he may
recommend.



One of my new friends, A, is a LOT of fun to be with. She was widowed
three weeks before I was so she just had her first anniversary -- and
that was difficult for her. But we laugh together way more than we
cry together.


Don't be so damned sure, sir. She's probably ****ed at you because
you haven't made a pass at her. (hint dropped)

I'm quite sure that isn't the source of her pique. But she's comin'
around now: hopes to see me tomorrow at group. She wouldn't be
****ed if she didn't care about me, but if this is "aggrivated" as she
describes it, I'd sure hate to see her really ****ed off.

Good, have fun! Any other engineers, or even (gasp!) blue collar
workers, in the group you can relate to in a purely electrical or
mechanical or machining way?

Yes! One guy was a machinist. It's a wonderful group.

There is no "getting over" this kind of grief.

YES THERE IS, Don. Do it for Mary if not for yourself. She wouldn't
want you wasting away, pining over her for the rest of your life.

NO THERE ISN'T. That's well documented in the literature. But that
isn't the same as wasting away pining for the lost one forever. We
need to keep going, find a "new normal". Life will never be the
same as it was, so we must devise, design and discover how life will
be henceforth after the loss of a soulmate and partner.

In terms of my progress, Mary would say "way to go, Foreman, be
careful!" She would have liked both A and H. Matter of fact, she
did meet A once and liked her immediately.

We never "get over" it; we must learn how to live with it -- and we
must face the pain and deal with it because grief can be delayed but
it cannot be denied. It has to be processed sooner or later.

A is a decade younger than I but
I strongly doubt that she'll ever remarry. I also strongly doubt that
she'll ever discard me as a valued and special friend.

So work on her.wink

Don't need to. It's a wonderful friendship as is. I continue to be
surprised at how it's working so well.


We love you, Don./tough love

Thank you, Larry. Hug me at your peril!G

That actually happened in a grief support group: Ken hugs all of the
ladies. At one point the facilitator asked if there was anyone
present that Ken hadn't hugged. I raised my hand. He came over,
yanked me out of my seat and gave me a bear hug. I hugged him back in
kind. I think he's mending nicely. When I see him now a hearty
handshake is exchanged but he says (with a grin) "no hugs". Ken is
a fixture in that group. I think it'd be about impossible to dislike
him.