On Tue, 19 Jul 2011 13:12:09 -0700, Hawke
wrote:

On 7/18/2011 10:52 PM, Don Foreman wrote:
On Mon, 18 Jul 2011 12:05:42 -0700, Hawke
wrote:






You may not know this but many times when a spouse dies the surviving
one's life after the passing is better than when the spouse was alive.
Most of the time this happens when it's the man who dies and the woman
who keeps living. In that case many of them go on to live for many years
and find that they are happier than when they had a spouse.

I do know of several cases like that, most involving women who were
married to jerks or at least very controlling men. Widowed spouses of
either gender who were genuinely happy with their lives and their
mates miss them terribly.

Actually, it's pretty common. I attribute it to the fact that so many
marriages are no good. People stay together that shouldn't and only when
one passes away does the remaining one get a decent life. I've seen this
in my own family. It only goes to show what marriage is really like.
Half of them break up and of those that stay together I'd say more than
half of them are not happy ones.

Getting it right requires several things:
1. You must have miraculously good luck to encounter the right mate
--and know when that happens
2. You both have to want a really good relationship enough to work at
it, build, give and take and compromise for years. Believe me, it's
worth it.



People who have not lost a spouse they cared about have absolutely no
idea what it's like. That's not just my opinion, it's a fact stated in
most literature about grief.


I'm not in that boat myself but I can understand what it must be like
for someone to lose a spouse that really mattered to them and they
really loved. Hell, I know how bad I feel just to lose a dog. I can only
imagine what I'd feel like if I loved someone dearly and they passed
away. On the other hand, I think it would depend on my age. If I was old
I think I would handle it better.

That's because you're not old yet. Younger people have more life in
front of them so more time to rediscover and rebuild, and they have
the strength, energy and robust health to not expect to need any help
for quite a while if living alone.


We had a very happy life together, perhaps at least partly because we
both regarded that as first priority. Living with Mary was a lot of
fun just about every day. Our life included a lot of laughter, joy and
warm companionship, doing something together every single day however
mundane. If asked six months ago, I'd have said I couldn't imagine any
kind of life I'd want to bother with without Mary. Now that's
exactly what I must do. I'm still having a lot of trouble figuring
out how to devise and pursue a reasonably enjoyable life without her.
It takes a lot of time, effort and discomfort, particularly for a
senior.

That's the problem people get when they are part of a good team for many
years. You kind of lose your own identity and when you're left on your
own you have to relearn what its like to live as an individual and not
as part of a team.

If either partner loses his or her identity, it won't be a good
relationship for long because there's no one there for the other to
love, admire and respect. When Mary was with me there was she, me and
we. We made a point of doing something together every day, but we
were also apart doing our separate activities for several hours each
day.

Now there is no she or we, just me. That's a loss!





On the other side, lots of time when a wife dies the husband passes away
rather quickly. But these days a lot of people are living to very old
ages and on their own.

That's true. Living to very old age is very low on my priority list.
When my happy days are done I want to be done. I think there can
still be some happy days in front of me.

I know what you mean. I see the very old and think that they're cursed.
Life is not good for them and I don't care what anyone says differently.
Life is just the time you have until you die. So all you can do is try
to enjoy it the best you can. It ends for all of us pretty damn fast.
You have some time left. Make the best of it.

Believe me, I'm trying! A grief counsellor told me today that I'm
making excellent progress. I sure appreciate that feedback and
encouragement because it doesn't seem so to me. She said that's how
it works but I'm doing everything I should be doing and nothing I
shouldn't be doing and I'm trying a lot of new things, reaching out,
branching out, exploring. It takes time to heal but it also take some
effort and discomfort.