Robert Green wrote:
We've been thinking of renting our current home rather than selling
in this down market while we rent in some of the places we're
thinking of retiring to. Unfortunately, movies like "Pacific
Heights" where a bad tenant who knows all the tricks of staying in a
place without paying rent, haunt us.

Yesterday I saw a 'People's Court' episode where a deadbeat had
managed to stay, rent-free, in a Section 8 rental for three years by
using a loophole that says a tenant can't be evicted from Section 8
housing if there are code violations. Every time he was about to get
evicted, he just broke something to forestall the eviction process,
eventually plugging all the sinks with rags and flooding the place.

How can you drive a bad tenant out from a rental in such situations?
How do you prevent them from completely trashing the place on their
way out? I know that tenants should be checked out thoroughly
beforehand, but even so, people can have no record of evil behavior
but still turn evil. While I'd probably NOT rent to any Section 8
tenants, I could easily see someone losing their job or some other
such tragedy and so decide they wanted to live in my house rent-free
for as long as they could get away with it.

I'll entertain all solutions, even extra-legal ones (as long as I can
implement them without getting caught!).

Bummer.

I rented out my house to the Consul General of the Dominican Republic. One
Saturday, I get a call at 7:00 a.m.

"Mr Spitwheetle?"
"Um, yes."
"This is Senora Pedro. I wanted to tell you the fire, she is out."
"Fire?"
"Si, but there was mucho smoke."
"Smoke?"
"And der is zee hole in zee roof."
"HOLE?"
"We appreciate it fixed soon like."
"IN THE ROOF?!"
"Gracias. Good bye."
(click)
.....

****ers kept a vat of boiling oil on the stove in case they wanted a tasty
snack - like a banana. The crap caught fire and the exhaust fan
flame-throwered it to the roof!

Oh well. I eventually sold the house to a hippie who decided to commit
suicide via the gas log-lighter and a garden hose snaked to the bedroom. He
woke up a few hours later and decided to light a joint.

-----
Anyway...

I see ads on Craigslist for people moving out of a home the don't or no
longer own selling everything that can be removed with a screwdriver: doors,
toilets, dishwasher, etc.

If the eviction procedures are too cumbersome or tenant-friendly in your
jurisdiction, you may have to resort to extra-legal or quasi-legal
maneuvers.

* Are any of the utilities in your name? If so dig up the water service (or
whatever) under the guise of "enhancing" or "replacing" it. Take your time.
* Repaint the kitchen while they're there. Repaint the bedroom. Leave the
drop-cloths at home.
* Wait until they've gone for the day (weekend would be better). Unlock the
door. Put an ad on CL (using a beard to post it from the local library -
they have cameras): "Had to leave the state 'cause my ex-wife is after me.
Everything in the house if free! 1111 Main Street. First come, first serve!"
* Send 'em a gift for being such nice tenants. A fire truck at 3:00 a.m. is
appropriate. Use a disposable cell phone (like the other terrorists).
* Can you collect (or buy) a LOT of field mice?
* Can you squirt Lock-Tite in the door locks? (Goddamn neighborhood kids,
always pranking somebody!)

The above should get you started. If you need more suggestions, don't
hesitate to ask.