Thu, Dec 25, 2003, 8:53am (EST-1) (Swingman) puts out:
snip Octopus and kidneys, bangers and mash ... hmmm, sounds like first
line of a
bawdy pub song.

For shame. You should be ashamed of yourself, for suggesting such
a thing on Christmas day. Today is for relaxation and family, not
making up bawdy songs. You should hang your head in shame at eaven
having such a thought.

Here, sing these instead. Merry Christmas.


THE HEDGEHOG CAN NEVER BE BUGGERED AT ALL

1. You can bugger the bear, if you do it with care, in the winter, when
he is asleep in his lair, Though I would not advise it in spring or in
fall-- but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

2. If you're feeling quite coarse, you can bugger the horse, or the
palfrey, the jennet, the stallion (with force), You can bugger the
donkey, the mare, or the mule, Though to bugger the pony is needlessly
cruel.

3. You can bugger the ox (if you stand on a box) And vulpologists say
you can bugger the fox, You can bugger the shrew, though it's awfully
small-- but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

4. Herpetologists gasp you can bugger the asp, Entomologists claim you
can bugger the wasp. If an insect's your thing, man, then just have a
ball-- But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

5. And the elephant too, that you meet in the zoo, Can be buggered if
you are sure just what to do, You will need a large mattress upon which
to fall-- but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

6. You can bugger the bees if you're down on your knees, You can bugger
the termites with terminal ease you can bugger the beetle, the ladybug
(bird!) too, there's no end to the buggering that you can do.

7. You can bugger the cat if it isn't too fat You can bugger the rabbit
you draw from your hat You can bugger the shark that you've chased in
your yawl-- but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

8. You can bugger the ermine, and all other vermin, like rats, mice, and
roaches, if you're not discernin'. You can bugger the dog, it will come
when you call-- but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

9. Although Mr. Tiggy is not very big, he Avoids with great ease those
who fancy his arse. He just curls in a ball, shows his prickles and
all-- And the would-be seducer leaves him in the grass

10. If you're that kind of fool, and you have a long tool, Do it with a
giraffe, if you stand on a stool, Catch a yeti, who lives in the snows
of Nepal-- but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

11. For the hedgehog escapes the posterior rapes Performed upon others
of different shapes, Those who run, swim, or slither, they get it
withal-- But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

12. It is said, if you try, you can bugger the fly, Or the swallow as it
skims so skilfully by, Use a noose or a net, or lime (if you've the
gall)-- but the hedgehog can
never be buggered at all.

13. You can bugger the cow (I will not tell you how), Or the boar, or
the piglet, the shoat or the sow, You can bugger the ass as it stands in
the stall-- But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

14. You can order or shoo 'im, or run a knife through 'im The one thing
you cannot do is stick it to 'im. If you try to seduce 'im, you'll end
in a fix, His prickles defend him against rampant pricks.

15. You can bugger the ram, you can bugger the lamb, You can bugger the
ewe, though the wether's a sham, You can bugger the tiger (it may
caterwaul) But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

16. You can bugger the seal, you can bugger the eel, You can bugger the
crab, though they say it can't feel, You can bugger the bat as the night
casts its pall, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

17. You can bugger the snake (hold it down with a rake), Though to
bugger the quetzal may be a mistake. You can bugger the billy, the
nanny, the kid, But to bugger the hedgehog just cannot be did.

18. You can bugger the slug, though it messes the rug, You can bugger
the different species of bug, Or do it with a snail, if you slow to a
crawl, But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

19. At the end of the day, when you've had your rough way With all of
these creatures, you'll just have to say "That damned Erinaceous has
been my downfall--" For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

A WIZARD'S STAFF HAS A KNOB ON THE END

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end It never will buckle, it never
will bend He cherishes it, and he calls it his friend, and he frequently
takes it in hand.

A wizard's staff is the source of his power. He checks up on it every
hour on the hour And he's never surprised when it turns to a flower --
The fairest throughout all the
land.

The staff of a wizard with honour is crowned. Without it a wizard will
rarely be found. 'Tis big and its round and weighs three to the pound
And without it he's truly unmanned.

The staff of a wizard can do mighty deeds. It protects him from harm and
attends to his needs, Provides him with banquets upon which he feeds And
potions on which he gets canned.

Whenever a wizard is lonely or sad, Or feeling dejected, or puzzled, or
mad, He turns to his staff, and things don't seem so bad -- By it he is
never trepanned.

The staff of a wizard is dear to his heart The source and the succour of
his magic art. They travel together, are never apart, A relationship few
understand.

A wizard is rarely of heroic build Were it not for his staff, he would
surely be killed. By demons or monsters his blood would be spilled All
over the pitiless sand.

A wizard in thought, word, and deed should be chaste If he is not, he's
considered disgraced. Although in his dreams he is often embraced By
ladies both lissom and tanned.

The staff of a wizard is polished with care. He anoints it with spices
and unguents rare, Bedecks it with silver and jewels most fair, And on
feast days he has it japanned.

A wizard when young has a staff that is small. It's puny and weak,
ineffective withal. It grows with his power until it stands tall As his
fame and his glory expand.

The staff of a wizard can hold many spells For finding lost objects or
dowsing new wells For banishing demons to bottomless hells Or bringing
them back on demand.

A wizard's staff can do manifold tricks To puzzle the nobles and fuddle
the hicks It rescues the wizard from many a fix -- It is totally at his
command.

When a wizard is old, and is starting to fade He looks on his staff that
with cunning he made The crown of his life and the tool of his trade And
together they make their last stand.

And, for the God's sakes people, for the new year, learn to snip.

JOAT
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of
enthusiasm.
- Sir Winston Churchill

Life just ain't life without good music. - JOAT
Web Page Update 25 Dec 2003.
Some tunes I like.
http://community-2.webtv.net/Jakofal...OMETUNESILIKE/