charlieb wrote:
WARNING: THIS ONE'S L O N G

Thanks to the rapid development of technology, specifically computer
hardware and software, I'm forced to (kicking and screaming)
"upgrade"
both my hardware AND software, in order to maintain three web sites
which I intentionally built to be as simple, and therefore
compatible
with even 10 year old computers and web browsers, as possible.

Now I'll grant you that the hardware upgrade was a no brainer - an
order of maginitude or more improvement in power and speed with a
corresponding size reduction relative to my previous computer. Oh -
and the price is about 75 percent of the cost of my previous
computer
- not even adjusting for inflation.

The software, on the other hand, is where the nightmares begin.

Let's begin with the Operating System - and from a user's
perspective,
the far more important User Interface. Seems that if you skip a few
"upgrades" to the OS - and it's User Interface - the transition from
version to version suddenly becomes significant. The "Look and
Feel"
can change from familiar with a few changes to adapt to, to HUH!?
The Learning Curve slope doesn't quite go vertical, but the
increased
slope one faces can seem as though a vigorous cardio-vascular work
out will be required.

But that's minor compared to the fun and games of "upgrading"
software
I've been using since version 1.0 (ok so some of the stuff I use I
started with version 3.0 - though I still have Mosaic, which was
Netscape version 0.1).

So I need to upgrade a simple CAD/"paint" application from the one
I've been using since 1989 - it's LAST update was 1993. That
company, Aldus, was bought out by Adobe and the product was shelved
and therefore no longer available. Still haven't found the NEW
product that'll do what I "could" do with the OLD product, but I've
found a few that sort of MIGHT do the job.

And I need an image processing application that does what PhotoShop
does. And since I've been upgrading Adobe PhotoShop from version
3.0
to version 7.0, and since the NEWEST version of PhotoShop is
actually
V
9.0, though, just to muddy the waters, Adobe switched to calling it
Adobe PhotoShop CS3 (apparently the CS does not stand for Chicken
****, but Creative Suite, which implies more than one "room" /
graphics application - but in fact is only ONE application - the
application "formerly known as" PhotoShop. Are you noticing how
muddied the waters have become?). SO - there is no "upgrade"
available. If I want The Real PhotoShop, the one I'm familiar with,
I have to pay the Full List Price someone who hasn't been using
PhotoShop, and upgrading for the last 10+ years must pay. So much
for the value of "customer loyalty".

BUT - for ONLY $299, I CAN get PhotoShop-Lite. I'm hoping "Lite" as
I've come to know it from other products doesn't mean "Won't Do What
You Have Been Doing - BUT - It's Low In Saturated Fats and
Carbohydrates - AND - Good For Your Heart").

Now the third leg of my Triad is a website building and maintaining
application. Because I was a loyal Adobe PhotoShop customer, I of
course bought Adobe GoLive and bought the intervening "upgrades".
So
I WAS intending to get the Newest Upgrade that IS compatible with my
NEW computer's NEW Operating System.

SURPRISE! Adobe discontinued GoLive.

BUT - just as they did earlier with Aldus, they bought the
competition - and this time saw that their product (MacroMedia's
Dreamweaver) was BETTER than GoLive so they kept it and IT is
compatible with my New Computer's Operating System! Oh Joy! and
another
AH SH*T! Here comes another Learning Curve and a month or more just
to get back to what I already CAN do on my Old Computer. The plus
side is that it only cost me another $200 and not $599.99.

Now here's where the Globalization thing comes in.

I live in Silcon Valley - the heart of technology and the
headquarters
for both Apple, Intel, AMD - and Adobe Systems and a TON of other
"hi-tech" companies. Surely the software I need is available
anywhere
computers and software are sold - right?

WRONG!

But I live about 5 miles from Adobe Systems World Headquarters.
Surely I can just drive over there, hand them my debit card, get my
software and come home and start climbing The Learning Curve.

WRONG!

OK - so why not just go to Adobe's website, get a phone number and
phone in my order? Simple right?

WRONG!

IF you have the latest and greatest version of the latest and
greatest
web browsers it's probably easy as can be. BUT - IF YOU DON'T -
well
their site probably is wonderful and easy to navigate - but not with
the web browsers I HAVE.

So I "retroed" and got out the Yellow Pages to find Adobe's phone
number. A half an hour of "If you'd like to _____, please press
ONE -
or say ONE - now" phone tree climbing and I EVENTUALLY get to a
human
being - in Bremerton Washington. He patiently explained - that I
was
SCREWED. However, they had a Special Deal for previous owners of
GoLive which meant I could get the GoLive successor DreamWeaver -
for
ONLY $199.99! PhotoShop on the other hand would run me $699.99
since
I only had version 7.0 and not version 8.0. HOWEVER, they did have
a
product called LightRoom 1 - for ONLY $299.99!

Now if you've been playing with computers for very long, you know
that
any Version 1.0 of ANYTHING usually means you're getting what should
be called Beta - as in "we think this will work - and we need YOU,
as
a Beta Tester, to tell US what's wrong with this thing - and maybe
even suggest a solution.". Bells and Whistles and Klaxtons are
going
off in my head and a little voice is SHOUTING - DON'T DO IT!

But hey - he told me I was screwed early on in our conversation.

So I Bite The Bullet, give him my debit card number and place an
order - which the guy in Bremerton - that's Washington State - tells
me might be delivered by Friday -4 days later - and he sends me an
e-mail confirming my order. Of course the e-mail is actually an
Attachment - a PDF version of my confirmation. IT doesn't contain a
Fed Ex Tracking Number though.

Friday I check the mail. Nothing, zip, nada. And Saturday again,
nothing, zip nada.

This morning I consider taking a Valium before picking up the phone
but foolishly didn't.

I dial The Number and get "Welcome to Adobe Systems - and the
equivalent of my Family Tree list of Phone Tree options. When I
hear
one that sounds like it might work I press that number. Two chirps,
a beep and a click later - I've got Muzak and eventually - a dial
tone!

I hit the Redial Button, listen to "Welcome to Adobe Systems" - and
I
press "1", hoping to eventually get to a human being. Two chirps, a
beep and a click later - I've got Muzak and eventually - a dial
tone!

OK - let's try What's Behind Door Number Two!

Two chirps, a beep and a click later - I've got Muzak and eventually
- a dial tone!

How about What's Behind Door Number Four! (I already knew what was
behind Door Number Three).

Two chirps, a beep and a click later - I've got - a human being!
Hu-Phreakin-Ray! BOB listens to my saga and then says - "I don't
know
why someone would create the expectation you'd get your product by
Friday - we FedEX "5 to 7 BUSINESS DAYS" (read Slow Boat To China) -
unless the customer wants Two Day Delivery - which is significantly
more money than "5 to 7 BUSINESS Day". Could you please give me
your
Account Number, Order Number, Date of Order (your paternal
grandmother's birthdate, maiden name and color of eyes) - and I'll
get a FedEx Tracking Number for you. I open the PDF file with the
info I got from Adobe when I ordered the "products" - but only after
closing one of the applications I was working in (I have four
applications open when I'm working on one of my websites - two if
which are Adobe "products").

"I'm gonna put you on hold - for just a second - while I get you
your
FedEx Tracking Number".

Two chirps, a beep and a click later - I've got Muzak - again!

Five minutes later the Muzak stops - there's a moment of silence -
then - a DIAL TONE!

Where the hell is the VALIUM!?

Son- of-a-BITH! - I'm out of VALIUM!

I resort to breathing deeply - in through the nose - out through
pursed lips while I mentally do my OMMMMMM thing trying desperately
to get to My Happy Place. I would've gone out to the shop and
gotten
In The Zone - but anger and frustration should never be mixed with
power tools and sharp spinning carbide.

When the knot in my stomach began to loosen, and I'd restored the
top
of my skull to its proper place - Once More Into The Breech (or is
it
breach?).

When I get to Adobe's Phone Tree I wait semi-patiently for them to
get
to "please press FOUR.".

I press the "4" button on my portable touchtone phone and cross my
fingers, while trying to unlock my clenched teeth.

Two chirps, a beep and a click later - I've got Muzak - again!
Thankfully it wasn't one of Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits.

And then - a voice - a human voice! I almost shouted with joy.

Then I tried to understand the language the voice was speaking.

I was listening to a guy - in INDIA! - Mumbai (I think that's what
the
city formerly known as Bombay is now called)! I was to discover. We
both agreed to speak VERY SLOWLY and eventually this kind and
patient
soul was prepared to give me the FedEX Tracking Number and walk me
through going to the FedEx.com site to find the status of my order.
After I asked that he just give me the phreakin' FedEx Tracking
Number
he finally relented and gave it to me. I thanked him very much and
asked to speak to his supervisor.

Two chirps, a beep and a click later - I've got a pleasant sounding
lady - who asked for my name, home address and e-mail address -
before she could answer ANY questions - or hear anything else I
wanted to say to her.

There HAS TO BE some VALIUM around here somewhere! Where's my BONG?

"If you'd like to e-mail your Customer Feed Back (apparently nobody
has a Complaint Department anymore) please go to www.adobe.com ...

I jump in RIGHT THERE. I've tried getting to Adobe's website and I
CAN'T
do anything there - with EITHER of my web browsers - which is WHY I
CALLED YOU FOLKS!

"Well did YOU try _________?"

Lady - GIVE ME A REAL WORLD STREET, CITY, STATE AND ZIP CODE
ADDRESS!
AND IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY - D O N O T PUT ME ON HOLD!

(puff - toke - puff - blow smoke rings for their calming effect)

Wisely, she gave me the mailing address - which is ONE zip code away
from MY zip code.

Having the FedEx Tracking Number I find that the order I placed with
a
guy in Bremerton Washington before Noon on Tuesday May 27th was
prepared for sending to FedEX at 12:47 pm on May 28th - from
Kennesaw, GEORGIA! It arrived at the FedEx location - in GEORGIA a
bit over 7 hours later, but didn't leave there 'til 6:14 AM the next
day - May 29th, arriving in Salt Lake City - UTAH the next
afternoon,
May 30th. I was told to expect delivery of my "products" on
Wednesady - which will be June 4th.

Now I've ordered a 125 pound electric potters wheel and gotten it in
TWO days. And my son's company - with HQ in FRANCE - can put an
expensive road bicycle on my doorstep in a day, two days tops. But
TWO CDs - from a company with its World Headquarters "just up the
road"?

Nitro glycerin tablets - where the hell did I put them . . .

"I'm going to wake up now because this nightmare has gone on way to
long and has gotten too insane."

Two chirps, a beep and a click -THUD -----------------------------

Did you say that you have Photoshop 7.0? If so, whoever at Adobe told
you you couldn't upgrade it lied. It says right on the order page
that you can upgrade from 7.0, CS, or CS2 for $199.00. Further, if
you go through the Web site you can download it instead of having to
pay shipping and wait for FedEx.

--
--
--John
to email, dial "usenet" and validate
(was jclarke at eye bee em dot net)