Howard Eisenhauer wrote:

Come on, admit it- This is something you've always wanted to try .

**********

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife? This was submitted
by
a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their
anniversary.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for
a little something extra for my wife Toni.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long,
less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible
way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing
over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
significant
reward for their safe return.

Still in shock
****************


H.
Amazing. 10 minutes laughing, i still hurt. Too bad you lived, you cannot
qualify, you have not removed yourself from the gene pool. I cannot
imagine what our spouse might say, perhaps she will remove you from the
gene pool.
--
JosephKK
Gegen dummheit kampfen die Gotter Selbst, vergebens.
--Schiller