"Ignoramus1487" wrote in message
.. .
On Tue, 22 Nov 2005 17:09:56 GMT, Doug Kanter
wrote:

"Ignoramus1487" wrote in message
...
On Tue, 22 Nov 2005 16:34:14 GMT, Doug Kanter

wrote:
For some parents, the first response to misbehaving kids is a threat of
physical punishment, followed shortly thereafter by the actual deed. Do
you
think this is something all parents should consider, or is it possible
that
some parents are more capable of using words to get kids to understand
the
rules?

First, we have to understand that not all misbehavior is the same and
that it has causes. Often "misbehavior" is completely normal behavior
of the child who thinks that he is doing the right thing. Either
exploring or imitating adults.

For example, a boy is imitating mommy cooking and accidentally breaks
a glass.

Should he be violently beaten (spanked) for that? I think that it
would be quite stupid. All he needs is to be given a plastic cup.

Second cause of misbehavior is attention seeking. The remedy is not
violence against children, but actually paying them some attention
that they deserve.

The third cause is that they are tired or stressed out, and beating
them for being tired does not seem like a smart idea to me.

The third cause is that they learn that having tantrums and such helps
them get what they want. That is because parents taught them that it
is the case. The remedy is not punishing them but being firmer about
what's not allowed.

The tantrum thing is interesting. My ex-wife, a speech pathologist, has
to
deal with little kids all day long. Her technique for tantrums worked
nicely: Quickly determine if there's a good reason for it (fatigue,
problem
with sibling, etc). Usually, there's not. So, handle the kid as you would
if
he were having a seizure. Put him somewhere safe and let the tantrum run
its
course.

Later, she came across a fascinating article which suggested (per
research)
that tantrums occur to some extent in all kids because a certain part of
the
brain has not yet developed. Made sense.

Interesting. I know some adults whose brains did not develop the
anti-tantrum centers...

Besides the fact that most instances of misbehavior are properly
addresses by looking at their causes, punishment is a valid concept
and is not reducable to spanking only.

There are numerous punishments that do not involve violence.

I find generalizations such as "children whose parents are violent to
them behave better" to be not grounded in any facts and is rather
supported by wishful thinking.

I had a neighbor who verbally abused his kids in public in the most vile
ways, and for reasons you and I would consider absurd. For instance, the
son
was washing his dad's car one day, and working from the bottom up, which
can
be a problem on a really filthy car because of the abrasive dirt that
might
get transferred up higher as it clings to the sponge. The father stepped
out
the front door, screamed obscenities, and called the kid all sorts of
nasty
names. It was audible 10 houses away as we found out later. This sort of
thing went on all the time. The kids in that family are a total mess, and
according to the mom, there was no physical punishment.

What a dumbass that guy is...

Yeah. I showed my son how to do it when he was 10. He said "OK. Like this?".
Then I called him a cool guy, and he's permanently damaged because of it.