There has been a meme on the internet about Chuck Norris. Chuck made a
list of his favourites...some awful funny stuff here..




When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another
fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s
pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself
in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. (My favourite... cracked me
up)

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

"Robatoy" wrote

There has been a meme on the internet about Chuck Norris. Chuck made a
list of his favourites...some awful funny stuff here..

****************

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another
fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s
pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself
in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. (My favourite... cracked me
up)

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

*****************************



Reminds me of that classic jeff foxworthy joke.

You might be a redneck if an episode if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger
changed your life. (For the uninitiated, this series stars Chuck Norris.)

For more you might be a redneck jokes see,

http://www.countryhumor.com/redneck/mightbe.htm

Some of those are pretty funny. Even more funny if Chuck is in on the
joke.

I like the new Tecate commercials, the ones running for about a year
now. They have Will Lyman of "Frontline" fame voicing the video of
the the world's most interesting man.

They show him freeing a grizzly from a trap and waving goodbye to him.

He deep sea fishes like Ernest Hemingway. They show him whooping it
up with someone that looks like Castro in the '60s. He surfs killer
waves.

And the voice overs are great: "It is said his blood smells like
cologne."

"His beard alone has experienced more than most men's bodies."

"He never says anything 'tastes like chicken'; not even chicken."

My favorite: "The most interesting man comments on 'rollerblades' "
Tthe man turns from two enchanting women, looks at camera and simply
says "no".

Robert

"Robatoy" wrote in message
...
There has been a meme on the internet about Chuck Norris. Chuck made a
list of his favourites...some awful funny stuff here..



Chuck Norris ain't ****. Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris because
it's a pussy.
And here's some other things you should know about Jack Bauer.


# 89 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke.
Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the
goddamned bomb was.

# 98 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

# 81 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it
would be called "12".

# 36 Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If
he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."

# 104 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were
the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

# 28 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the
world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

# 100 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can
make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

# 30 Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the
#5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who
downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

# 23 When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for
help.

# 10 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun
and won.

# 29 Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack
Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

# 5 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like
chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's
beef.

# 2 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina
Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

# 94 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

# 44 Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until
they gave up the location of the egg.

# 7 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a
fair fight.

# 109 "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm ****ed".

# 14 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern
men.

# 84 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and
put it back.

# 6 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent
the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of
the keys.

# 80 Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd...no
one fools Jack Bauer.

# 99 Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack
Bauer.

# 108 There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who have not
met Jack Bauer.


Dave in Houston

On Nov 17, 4:00*pm, "NuWave Dave" wrote:

[snipped for brevity]

# 94 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Cracked me up it did...

On Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:00:26 -0600, "NuWave Dave"
wrote:


Chuck Norris ain't ****. Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris because
it's a pussy.

And here's some other things you should know about Jack Bauer.

Add to the list (there are some very creative people out there):

Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer.
He passed. It was too violent.

Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to
be quiet.

Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.

When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Jack Bauer promptly responded
"Blood."

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second
favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack
Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with " Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer is the 'I' in team.

If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before
entering.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him
blink.

Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.

Jack Bauer's action figure has slept with more women than most men.

Jack Bauer can divide by zero.

Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square
root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret
blend of herbs and spices.

The Jack Bauer action figure shot Barbie in the knee to get Ken to
talk about GI Joe.

Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock,
paper, nor scissors.

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

Jack Bauer doesn't have a cigarette after sex. He has sex again.

Jack Bauer does not mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.

Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.

Jack Bauer had phone sex with a woman and got her pregnant.

Jack Bauer once beat Mona Lisa in a staring contest.

Spiderman kissed Mary Jane upside-down. Jack Bauer would have gotten a
blowjob.

Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.




--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite

Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999

http://www.woodbutcher.net
http://www.normstools.com

Proud participant of rec.woodworking since February, 1997

email addy de-spam-ified due to 1,000 spams per month.
If you can't figure out how to use it, I probably wouldn't
care to correspond with you anyway.

LRod wrote:
On Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:00:26 -0600, "NuWave Dave"
wrote:

Chuck Norris ain't ****. Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris because
it's a pussy.

Funny, except for one thing...

EVERYONE knows who Chuck is!

"B A R R Y" wrote
LRod wrote:
On Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:00:26 -0600, "NuWave Dave"
wrote:

Chuck Norris ain't ****. Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris because
it's a pussy.

Funny, except for one thing...

EVERYONE knows who Chuck is!

Hmmmm ... You're back, election must be over.!

--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 10/22/08
KarlC@ (the obvious)

"NuWave Dave" wrote

And here's some other things you should know about Jack Bauer.

Alright, now ... let's get this thread on topic:

Yabbut, it's not Chuck Norris whose afraid of kick back, it's his table saw.

And Chuck Norris' jointer table *is* an aircraft carrier deck.

--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 10/22/08
KarlC@ (the obvious)

Chuck Norris' shaper fears *him*

jc


"Swingman" wrote in message
...
"NuWave Dave" wrote

And here's some other things you should know about Jack Bauer.

Alright, now ... let's get this thread on topic:

Yabbut, it's not Chuck Norris whose afraid of kick back, it's his table
saw.

And Chuck Norris' jointer table *is* an aircraft carrier deck.

--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 10/22/08
KarlC@ (the obvious)

"joe" wrote:


"Swingman" wrote in message
"NuWave Dave" wrote

And here's some other things you should know about Jack Bauer.

Alright, now ... let's get this thread on topic:

Yabbut, it's not Chuck Norris whose afraid of kick back, it's his table
saw.

And Chuck Norris' jointer table *is* an aircraft carrier deck.

Chuck Norris' shaper fears *him*

Chuck Norris can use all the goddamn brads he wants.

Chuck Norris has enough clamps.

Chuck Norris buys, but never cries, once.

--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 10/22/08
KarlC@ (the obvious)

Chuck Norris has enough clamps.


laughed out loud....

jc

On Nov 17, 3:00*pm, "NuWave Dave" wrote:

SNIP of some really funny stuff


* * * # 108 There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who have not
met Jack Bauer.

Being a big fan of 24, I laughed my ass clean out of the chair at a
couple of those.

Thanks, Dave.

Robert

Ummmmm...

Wood gets tiny shards of Chuck Norris stuck in it.

When Chuck Norris hits his thumb with a hammer, the hammer get a blood
blister and in 3 weeks one of its claws falls off.


--

-MIKE-

"Playing is not something I do at night, it's my function in life"
--Elvin Jones (1927-2004)
--
http://mikedrums.com

---remove "DOT" ^^^^ to reply

On Nov 17, 7:53*pm, B A R R Y wrote:
LRod wrote:
On Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:00:26 -0600, "NuWave Dave"
wrote:

Chuck Norris ain't ****. *Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris because
it's a pussy.

Funny, except for one thing...

EVERYONE knows who Chuck is!

Welcome back, Barry.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a Fein MM

Swingman wrote:

Hmmmm ... You're back, election must be over.!


Yup!

Robatoy wrote:

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a Fein MM

Chuck Norris uses a pressure washer as a water pic

"B A R R Y" wrote in message
...
: Robatoy wrote:
:
: Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a Fein MM
:
: Chuck Norris uses a pressure washer as a water pic

Jack Bauer uses 60g on a six inch ROS to wipe his ass.

Dave in Houston

"NuWave Dave" wrote in message
...
:
: "B A R R Y" wrote in message
: ...
:: Robatoy wrote:
::
:: Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a Fein MM
::
:: Chuck Norris uses a pressure washer as a water pic
:
: Jack Bauer uses 60g on a six inch ROS to wipe his ass.


Chuck Norris doesn't wipe.

: Dave in Houston
:

: Jack Bauer uses 60g on a six inch ROS to wipe his ass.


Chuck Norris doesn't wipe.


Correct. The poop just runs aways and flushes itself.


--

-MIKE-

"Playing is not something I do at night, it's my function in life"
--Elvin Jones (1927-2004)
--
http://mikedrums.com

---remove "DOT" ^^^^ to reply

On Nov 17, 4:00*pm, "NuWave Dave" wrote:
"Robatoy" wrote in message

...
There has been a meme on the internet about Chuck Norris. Chuck made a
list of his favourites...some awful funny stuff here..

Chuck Norris ain't ****. *Jack Bauer named his cat Chuck Norris because
it's a pussy.
And here's some other things you should know about Jack Bauer.

Another thing you may not know about Jack Bauer.
..
..
..
..
He's Canadian and that pretty much sums it up. No wonder he's so
tough.

On Nov 17, 1:30*am, "
wrote:
Some of those are pretty funny. *Even more funny if Chuck is in on the
joke.

I like the new Tecate commercials, the ones running for about a year
now. *They have Will Lyman of "Frontline" fame voicing the video of
the the world's most interesting man.

They show him freeing a grizzly from a trap and waving goodbye to him.

He deep sea fishes like Ernest Hemingway. *They show him whooping it
up with someone that looks like Castro in the '60s. *He surfs killer
waves.

And the voice overs are great: *"It is said his blood smells like
cologne."

"His beard alone has experienced more than most men's bodies."

"He never says anything 'tastes like chicken'; *not even chicken."

My favorite: *"The most interesting man comments on 'rollerblades' "
Tthe man turns from two enchanting women, looks at camera and simply
says "no".

Robert

I don't watch much TV so I have never seen those, but I love the radio
spots. My new favorite is this one: "The OUJA board asks HIM
questions". Haha!

On Nov 17, 9:17*pm, -MIKE- wrote:
Ummmmm...

Wood gets tiny shards of Chuck Norris stuck in it.


* -MIKE-

WINNER!!! Hilarious!!

"NuWave Dave" wrote in message
...

"NuWave Dave" wrote in message
...
:
: "B A R R Y" wrote in message
: ...
:: Robatoy wrote:
::
:: Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a Fein MM
::
:: Chuck Norris uses a pressure washer as a water pic
:
: Jack Bauer uses 60g on a six inch ROS to wipe his ass.


Chuck Norris doesn't wipe.


Chuck Norris wipes his ass with Jack Bauer.

B.

"NuWave Dave" wrote in message
...

"NuWave Dave" wrote in message
...
:
: "B A R R Y" wrote in message
: ...
:: Robatoy wrote:
::
:: Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a Fein MM
::
:: Chuck Norris uses a pressure washer as a water pic
:
: Jack Bauer uses 60g on a six inch ROS to wipe his ass.


Chuck Norris doesn't wipe.


Chuck Norris wipes his ass with Jack Bauer.

B.

Another thing you may not know about Jack Bauer.
.
.
.
.
He's Canadian and that pretty much sums it up. No wonder he's so
tough.



So, Jack Bauer has a southern neighbor who keeps the bads guys away, too?

:-p


--

-MIKE-

"Playing is not something I do at night, it's my function in life"
--Elvin Jones (1927-2004)
--
http://mikedrums.com

---remove "DOT" ^^^^ to reply