3. TOOL MAINTENANCE
3.1 HOW DO I ALIGN MY TABLESAW
You first need to find the null axis of the warp or centroid of the
cycloid of rotation. Note that the cycloid is adibiatic or
asymptotically free. Be careful not to introduce a modulus of
coefficients of dynamic dependant variables. Shag carpet works best
'cause it minimizes the saggita on your straightedge. You can use
interference fringes or an auto-collimator. This will allow you to
adjust your table saw to make cuts accurate to a gazillionth of an
inch.

Or you can use a dial indicator on a stick that fits in your mitre
(miter, Floyd) gauge (guage, Dave) slot.

3.2 HOW DO I FIX SLIPPING BITS IN MY SEARS ROUTER?
This is Steve Wallace's method, which I've used successfully. Obtain
a 1/4" eyescrew about 2 inches long. Tighten it in the chuck very
tightly. This is assembly A. Mix one bag of concrete mix with enough
water to obtain a consistency like peanut butter. Place assembly A in
the box that your new PC 690 came in, with the eye screw sticking out
of the box. Fill the box, with assembly A inside, to the rim with the
concrete that you mixed previously. Allow the concrete to set at
least 8 hours. Attach several feet of chain to the eyescrew. Tie a
50 foot rope to the chain. To use, tie the loose end of the rope to
your boat. Chuck it over the side when you get to you favourite
(favorite, Keefer) fishin' area.

3.3 HOW DO I TENSION A BANDSAW BLADE?
I don't know, but, apparently, if you get flutter it's got something
to do with being hysterical or maybe you need a hysterectomy.

3.4 WHAT BASIC SHOP SAFETY PRECAUTIONS SHOULD I TAKE?
Ernie Jurick offered the following sensible advice:

After reading all the hazard and safety information that comes with
power tools these days, I've decided that the safest approach is to
not even plug them in. Most of them I leave in the box. Right now my
table saw is a dandy coffee table.

Also, to be on the safe side, I've ground the sharp edges off all
planes, chisels and saws. My hammers are attached to the workbench
with lengths of chain (plastic) to prevent them from being raised more
than 6", thereby minimizing impacts from missed blows. Not that I
would ever use nails, the lethal pointy little devils!

To prevent vision damage I keep my eyes closed whenever I'm in the
shop, and to protect my lungs I never inhale. Needless to say there's
no electricity. The only wood I use is balsa, which I can shape with
my fingernails and teeth. I also wear an aluminium foil beanie with
full frontal- and temporal-lobe brain protection in case the Voices
tell me to do bad things with pliers.

3.5 HOW DO I KEEP MY SAFETY GLASSES CLEAN?
You don't really need safety glasses, they are a real pain, fogging up
and getting full of sawdust so you can't see through them. Might as
well be blind, so why bother. Just close your eyes before anything
hits them.

If you still insist on wearing glasses, the real problem is static
electricity keeping the dust on. This is a very dangerous condition.
Not only does the dust make you unable to see through the glasses, but
the static electricity might build up enough to arc and create sparks
which ignite the sawdust in the air and blow your face off and your
workshop to smithereens. This actually happens a lot, just like with
PVC pipe in dust collection systems. So you need to ground safety
glasses by wrapping them with lots of copper wire and plug in the wire
into a wall outlet. Don't forget to run the ground wire inside _and_
outside! Metal glasses also work.

3.6 WHY IS MY TAPE MEASURE INACCURATE?
On most tape measures, the rivets attaching the hook to the tape
always seem to come loose. You'd figure someone like Starrett would
find a fix to this. You need to lay your tape on the vice (vise,
Keeter) and smack the rivets with a ball peen hammer or a punch, after
pushing the tip back in. And while you're at it take a close look at
the 1/2 dozen or so other tapes you've got laying around the house &
shop.

3.7 HOW DO I PREVENT MY TOOLS FROM RUSTING?
Buy aluminium (Yes Jon, that is the correct spelling!) tools, you
fool! Aluminium table saws don't rust. Plus aluminium tools are
usually cheaper. If you're a rich yuppie ******* ETS, you could also
buy brass or bronze hand-tools.

3.8 HOW DO I REMOVE RUST FROM MY TOOLS?
If you haven't listened to #3.7, a belt sander (sandre, David) with a
coarse grit (60 or 80) will work just fine. It also is useful for
bringing antique tools back to their pristine original condition.
Angle grinders (grindres, Jeff) might work better on curved surfaces.

3.9 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THE SCRATCH/STAIN ON MY BRAND NEW $2,000
BLURFL?
Most of us will understand your total state of despair. Any scratch
will make the machine completely useless for its intended purpose.
Your best bet is to drop a few hundred on getting it reground at a
machine shop. That is the only way to get that jointer/tablesaw top
back to its pristine condition. After that you might want to polish
it up with pumice and green compound & jeweller's rouge so that you
can see yourself in it. Just like chisels or plane blades, it won't
work properly if you don't.

You should learn from your mistake and keep your machines covered at
all times, except when you are showing off your shop to your buddies
or relatives, or taking pictures for your web site. Do not ever, I
repeat, not ever, use the machines. Like famous artwork, Gucci shoes
or Rolex watches, expensive woodworking machines are there only to
impress others: the reality is that nobody on this group ever uses
them. People who actually use tools buy Sears.

3.10 HOW DO I CLEAN MY SAW BLADES/ROUTER BITS?
Muriatic acid. If it works on concrete it'll work on anything,
including stubborn resin. Just make sure to pour the acid in the
water. (or is it the other way round?) Besides, it's pretty safe and
natural as your stomach makes it all the time.