1. GENERAL

1.1 INTRODUCTION
This is the rec.woodworking anti-FAQ. This anti-FAQ will be posted
annually to rec.woodworking on the first of April. The purpose of
this anti-FAQ is to minimize the amount of chatter about wood working
on rec.woodworking, thereby making the newsgroup more lively and
interesting to read.

Suggestions for improvement should be kept to yourself. To be
perfectly honest, I don't give a flying fig about your opinions. If I
want to know what you think, I'll ask you. Just don't hold your
breath.

I realize that putting FAQ in a header ensures that almost nobody will
read it, but I'm doing this for my own satisfaction.

1.2 POSTING GUIDELINES.
While this newsgroup has world-wide distribution, the vast majority of
subscribers live in free countries, so they can say whatever they
please, USENET conventions be damned. Don't bother with reading
"news.answers" or "news.announce.newusers," or any of those other
newsgroups designed to explain USENET's "rules."

"Me-too" posts are particularly appreciated. An example of a "me-too"
is when you quote 50 lines of text, adding only a line or two of your
own. If your .sig is longer than your comments, then you're probably
doing it right. (Another reason to have a long .sig. Big .sigs are
really, really cool.)

Make sure you post in HTML if your browser allows you to. This makes
your posts much more cool, with bold, colour (color, Keith) and other
cutesy gizmos like cool animated GIFs. Don't let the fact that some
obsolete news browsers make your posts look like gibberish deter you.
Those people should apply a crowbar to their wallet get themselves a
new computer and some up to date software.

POSTING ALL IN CAPITALS IS GENERALLY APPRECIATED AS IT MAKES THINGS
EASIER TO READ, AND ALSO ENSURES THAT PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU
HAVE TO SAY!

If you're responding to a post by someone who's got a French name but
can't spell it, make sure that you both post in the group and send him
an email. He will really appreciate it. While you're at it, you
might as well turn-on the HTML, write in capitals and send him a big
attachment with a picture. And spell his name right. But only do
this if you want to stay on his good side.

Finally, the subject line of your article should have nothing at all
to do with what you actually say. This makes the newsgroup much more
lively and interesting to read.

1.3 OFF TOPIC POSTS
Off-topic posts are welcome and the usually provide the most
interesting discussions and flame wars. Don't bother with putting in
"OT" in the subject header. If it wasn't for off topic posts and
people not reading the FAQ, this newsgroup would die.

Political and religious rants are especially welcome at any time.
They are extremely popular, even more popular than electrical threads.
They allow those who know nothing about woodworking or anything else
to contribute to the group by displaying their ignorance, bigotry and
fanaticism for the whole world to see.

Those damn top posters and bottom posters; mindless commie pinko
liberal lemmings and neo-nazi conservative warmongers; inconsiderate,
anti-religious pseudo-intellectual atheists and gullible, credulous
fundamentalist nuts and fruitcakes; murderous gun-nuts and gun control
freaks; eco-nazis and unconscionable despoilers of the environment;
and knuckle-dragging, club-toting, need-finishing-school,
poetic-waxing, holier-than-thou, in-your-face, proselytising
Neanderthals and power-tooling, noise-making, wood-munching,
dust-sucking, tool-belt-wearing, Normites; deserve to read your
well-reasoned jeremiad so that they will change their minds and see
things your way. Make sure you add some personal insults and ad
hominem attacks in your post.

If you get a blank response from somebody with a Delta tool handle, it
means that YOU HAVE WON the argument!! Those opposed to you have been
rendered speechless. You may now rest on your laurels, as everyone in
the group has conceded to you and agrees with your inanity, sorry, I
meant your well-reasoned views. No need to post to that thread
anymore.

1.4 WHAT SHOULD I POST ABOUT?
Anything and everything. Don't worry, sharing the minute details of
all your woodworking experiences is what the wRECk is all about so
that we can all learn. Michael Baglio provided a good example of the
kind of post that is well appreciated on the wreck. Here it is:
http://groups.google.ca/groups?&selm=v0harvskvuc3p7aevufrmnqm3mt43pfrsu%40 4ax.com.

1.5 CAN I POST PICTURES OF MY REALLY COOL PROJECT?
Got any really cool pictures? Post them to rec.woodworking. Who
gives a f... about those turkeys who have to download everything and
pay their ISP by the minute? They should take a Crowbar to their
wallet and get some decent equipment and a better ISP. Anyway, if
they live in country with a crappy communication system, they can move
to the good ole USA and get WebTV.

Only Strines and other losers post pictures of their tacky projects to
ABPF & ABPW.

The pictures don't have to be of Adirondack chairs, furniture or other
woodworking projects. In fact, if you've got any pictures of your
wife or girlfriend or cheerleaders in the nude, please post them. If
you don't have any such pictures, just let me know, and I'll sell you
some.

If somebody flames you for posting pictures, flame 'em right back and
go start your own newsgroup. But don't post the URL or newsgroup name
so that those assholes who flamed you can't come to hassle you in your
new newsgroup.

1.6 SHOULD I POST IF I AM A WOMAN?
The internet and woodworking are male things. They both are about
boys playing with their tools. If you don't believe me, why do you
think there are so many porno sites and newsgroups? So, girls, butt
out!

1.7 WHAT IF I'M A GAY WOODWORKER?
We don't like other men playing with our tools either. Woodworking is
for real men. Butt out or you'll get bashed.

1.8 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN I SEE A POST I DON'T LIKE?
First, and most importantly, you should take offence. Obviously the
author is an insensitive ******* who is hell-bent on hurting your
feelings. He is an arrogant asshole who deserves much worse than he
will ever receive. Others may tell you that the guy was "just having
a bad day," or that he "didn't mean anything by it," but don't you
believe it. Remain steadfast and do not waver in your efforts to get
even with the idiot.

Rant and rave, but be sure to do so publicly, by posting to the group
rather than by sending e-mail. Otherwise, how will anyone else know
what a jerk the other guy is? Don't hold back, and don't let up until
you receive satisfaction, or until the thread has reached 100 articles
in length, whichever comes first. Telling someone how stupid they are
is called a "flame." If you read a flame, please respond to it, even
if you have no interest whatsoever in the issue at hand. This makes
the newsgroup much more lively and interesting to read.

If you find yourself in the middle of a flame war and attacked from
all sides with nobody supporting you, just give yourself some support.
It's easy. Just change the email address in your newsreading software
and write a bunch of posts under assumed names. Nobody will notice
and it will give added credibility to your position.

1.9 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT OFFENSIVE CROSS-POSTING TROLLS?
By all means, reply to them telling the poster what an asshole he is.
Make sure that your reply is also cross-posted to all the newsgroups
and add a few more just for good measure. How else are going to make
them go away if we don't tell them what jerks they are? Publicly
plonking them is especially effective. Reporting them does no good,
since they can get a new free email address pretty easily. Might as
well let them continue to use the same address as it makes no
difference. How else are we going to learn about the sexual habits of
wreck regulars?

1.10 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT SPELING AND GRAMMER MISSTEAKS?
If you see a spelling mistake, grammatical error, or typo, post a
reply with the offending error underlined with carets (circumflex
accents to those who studied French, the thingie above the "6" key for
the rest of you ignorami). Make sure you question the original
poster's intelligence and woodworking ability in your post. If he/she
can't spell, can he/she be trusted with a table saw or a plane without
spilling blood all over the place? This is the only helpful way to
deal with errors in grammar and spelling and educating the original
poster, while avoiding the shedding of blood.

BTW the correct spelling accepted in rec.woodworking for some words
a joiner, planner, scrapper, rabbit, tennon (tendon is definitely
wrong), hobbiest, course (not fine), bisket, popular (Liriodendron
tulipifera), cyprus (Taxodium distichum), wracking, tounge & grove
(tongue is a finishing oil), radio alarm saw (tmLJ), and "it's" always
takes an apostrophe, just like "hi's" and "her's". Also, remember that
"advise" is a noun and "to advice" is a verb.

1.11 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT SPAM?
If you see a piece of SPAM, then by all means quote the entire
message, adding a clever comment of your own. You see, there are lots
of folks who don't like SPAM, and they've come up with things like
filters and cancelbots in an effort to get rid of it. While a
particular piece of SPAM may show up on your news server, there's a
very good chance that many folks won't get to see it. Posting a
follow-up article to the SPAM will keep it alive, ensuring *everybody*
gets to look at it. This makes the newsgroup much more lively and
interesting to read.

1.12 WHAT ABOUT POSTING THE URL TO SOMEONE WHO PROVIDES NEAT NEW
PRODUCTS, EXCELLENT SERVICE AND LOW PRICES?
Unless the URL is for Lee Valley, this is a shill and is severely
frowned upon. You will be immediately accused of disguising your
identity and underhanded shilling. We don't care how often you have
posted before on unrelated topics, you will get immediately jumped on.
Go post in the political scientology or 'lecktrical threads instead.

1.13 HOW DO I ADVERTISE MY REALLY NEAT WOODWORKING PRODUCT ON THE
WRECK?
If you're a dealer and you're in with the secret cabal crowd, just
post the stuff you have for sale. No one will flame you. You're even
allowed to flame others who post ads. Don't ask me how to get into
the cabal, it's top secret. It's so secret, I don't even know whether
I'm in it or not. Besides, there is no cabal.
http://www.cabal.org/

If you're not in the secret cabal (TINC), first, think up of all the
titles or subject headers that are even marginally relevant to your
product. Then flood the newsgroup with posts advertising your product
under each header. Also get a bunch of buddies and employees with
email, and sign-up for a whole lot of free email addresses on the net
(hotmail, yahoo, aol with a fake credit card number, etc.). Use the
email addresses to send a whole batch of different testimonials for
your product, like how your grandfather, the old cabinet maker, really
loved it and used it every day since 1939, and that's why your father
was conceived. Try to vary your spelling mistakes in the shills so
that it is not so obvious you wrote them all.

Second buy a spambot (If you have an email address and have given it
to anyone, you should already have had a few offers on spambots. If
not, post here using your real email address and just wait a couple of
days.) Use it to send a private personalized email to everybody who
has ever posted on this or any other newsgroup. This should also get
you a good response. However, get a new different email address from
which to send these, and yet a different reply address. Otherwise,
your company's regular email address might get cancelled.

If anybody complains, flame them. No one person makes the rules or
owns this place so you can just tell em to **** off. Whiners don't
know their ass from their elbow anyway. They're just a bunch of pinko
commie socialist limp-wristed liberals who are against the free
enterprise system that made America great, or secret agents for the
secret timber cutting cartel http://lumbercartel.freeyellow.com/ who
are destroying our forests. Tell'em to go back to Russia. The other
people in the group will really like your ads and will flock to your
product and make you a millionaire in no time. That's what free
enterprise and internet marketing are all about.

Besides, think of all the trees you save by using the internet rather
than paper ads. Ecologically sound capitalism! And more trees for
woodworking! Who cares if everybody else is paying for your
advertising? That's life buddy!

Finally, privately offer a free lifetime supply of your product to
anybody who has written a FAQ for this group to make sure they give
you good reviews. My email address is recnorm at yukonomics dot ca.
Send me an email and I'll give you my shipping address. (Hint, hint
Steve & Ed & Ron & Pat & Robin & Jim & Jon)

1.14 HOW CAN WE GET RID OF ALL THE SPAM, OFF-TOPIC POLITICAL THREADS,
POSTS BY COMMERCIAL WOODDORKING SUPPLY FIRMS, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY,
POTTY-MOUTH WORDS?
It's real easy. Just issue an RFD proposing the creation of a new
newsgroup and appoint yourself as moderator. Don't have any
experience or clue about being a moderator? No problem! You will
still get overwhelming support when the time comes to vote, including
the entire Stromboli, Etna and Vesuvio families, as well as the
Fujiyamas and the Saint-Helens. You can count on the support of
anyone who is not actively opposed. If they ain't publicly against
you, they're for you. Don't worry, the silent majority will vote for
you. Plus, you know God is on your side and this will help you to go
to heaven. But just to be on the safe side, make sure that all your
church buddies vote too. That way can be rid of the vulgar language,
the notorious shills and spammers like Rob Lee, Steve Knight, Jim
McFeeley, Ron Hock, Ed Bennett and make the wreck safe for
kindergarten-age wreckers.

1.15 ARE HUMOROUS POSTS ALLOWED?
Absolutely. Humour (humor, Keeter, although we know you're not funny
anymore) is greatly appreciated in rec.woodworking, especially satire,
sarcasm and irony. Don't worry, people in this newsgroup always get
it when you are trying to be funny or ironic.

You could also use a disclaimer (See Disclaimer FAQ) to make sure
people get it, but that sort of spoils it and, anyway, it used to be
only a certain individual who pretended not to get the posts from
another certain individual and vice versa and they ended up in highly
entertaining and articulate flame war, with exegesis and logic
chopping that rivalled the best that mediaeval scholastics or talmudic
scholars came up with.

However, trolls are generally frowned upon. Taking advantage of
newbies' and oldbies' innocence about things liked armed Canadian EPA
agents and church pews is a serious sign of bad form. Did you get
that David, eh? Trolls feed very well on the wreck.

Also any joke about 9/11 is NOT FUNNY and completely unacceptable!!
Racial, ethnic, religious and dead baby jokes are OK, though.

1.16 THERE ARE TOO MANY POSTS IN THIS GROUP, I HAVE A SUGGESTIONS ON
HOW TO SPLIT IT.
The people on wreck.wood are always open to suggestions on how to
improve the group and we have been looking for ways to split this
group for many years now. As a newbie, you will bring a different
perspective which will be most appreciated. We will listen to your
suggestions on splitting the group and implement them immediately.

1.17 INTERNET RESOURCES
This is the way to get all the URL's you'll ever need and avoid testy
answers. Don't bother with search engines.

First create a web page. Make sure it has "old iron" or "antique
woodworking machine" on it. Then get your page to set a cookie every
time someone from the "wi.rr.com" domain accesses your page. Then go
into the Duke's computer and steal all the URLs. Careful, though, the
Duke has been known to try selling pornographic table saws on eBay.
If you don't know how to do this, get a hacker to help you. A hacker
is any 10-20 year-old male who has a computer and is not into sports
and doesn't have a girlfriend.

You also want to take a look at these other FAQs, which might not be
in the Duke's computer:

Disclaimer FAQ
http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&selm=6i6596%24ifl%241%40ins8.netins.n et

Hand Plane FAQ
http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=6imd60%24qq6%241%40ins8.netins.net&out put=gplain

Crowbar FAQ
http://www.klownhammer.org/crowbar

For woodworking books, go to
http://webpages.charter.net/29Y/woodworking/books/


1.18 RESOURCES FOR UK WOODWORKERS?
This newsgroup is about USA woodworking and maybe its northern
sycophantic satellite. God Bless America! It's rec.WOODworking, not
rec.TIMBERworking! You guys went downhill when you joined up with the
other Euro-idiots and went with that inane metric system. Serves you
right you gotta pay double for the tools we get for real cheap in the
good ole USA. Anyways, who wants to get buzzed with a 240-volt piece
of euro junk? Buy American! Besides, what kind of woodworking can
you do without Home Despot?

Same goes for drunken Ozzies (as if there were any other kind, I know
it's redundant), and inny othirs who walk upside down. Sheesh,
butchering all that nice jarrah, silky oak & jummywood with those pot
metal Triton POS.

Message for Strines: This newsgroup uses the Queen's English (or at
least the *******ised seppo version). If you want to post in your
weird lingo, m8, go create your own newsgroup, m8. PS: I don't care
if you get ****ed off that I stuck you with the whingeing poms, y'all
sound alike anyhoo.