DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large crowbar that inexplicably
has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few
hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name
is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last overtightened 58 years ago by someone, and neatly rounds off
their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far
from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool
that you will need.

GREASE GUN: A device used unsuccessfully to force grease into rusty,
plugged up grease fittings. When not in use this device meters a steady
drip of oil onto the surface beneath it and mysteriously weeps a coat of
grease onto its outer surface, no matter how thoroughly it was cleaned
before it was put away.

SNAP RING PLIERS: A tool typically used to remove or install circular
clips from shafts and bores and launch them across the shop or into a
gravel driveway


CHANNEL LOCK PLIERS: A tool whose primary purpose is to create large
painful blood blisters on the palms of your hands while simultaneously
rounding the heads off of bolts. Secondary use: See DAMMIT TOOL

I think I could add a few mo

WELDING HELMET: a cleverly designed device which allows molten metal
beads
to accumulate on ones face and glasses.

CRESCENT WRENCH: a dual purpose device used to rounding off bolts AND
mashing knuckles simultaneously.

MICROMETER: see C-clamp

LARGE SOCKET WRENCH: see hammer

OHMMETER: holder for dead batteries
--
Tony Sayer

"tony sayer" wrote in message
...

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large crowbar that inexplicably
has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few
hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name
is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last overtightened 58 years ago by someone, and neatly rounds off
their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far
from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool
that you will need.

GREASE GUN: A device used unsuccessfully to force grease into rusty,
plugged up grease fittings. When not in use this device meters a steady
drip of oil onto the surface beneath it and mysteriously weeps a coat of
grease onto its outer surface, no matter how thoroughly it was cleaned
before it was put away.

SNAP RING PLIERS: A tool typically used to remove or install circular
clips from shafts and bores and launch them across the shop or into a
gravel driveway


CHANNEL LOCK PLIERS: A tool whose primary purpose is to create large
painful blood blisters on the palms of your hands while simultaneously
rounding the heads off of bolts. Secondary use: See DAMMIT TOOL

I think I could add a few mo

WELDING HELMET: a cleverly designed device which allows molten metal
beads
to accumulate on ones face and glasses.

CRESCENT WRENCH: a dual purpose device used to rounding off bolts AND
mashing knuckles simultaneously.

MICROMETER: see C-clamp

LARGE SOCKET WRENCH: see hammer

OHMMETER: holder for dead batteries
--
Tony Sayer


Absolutely brilliant!! :-))

Absolutely brilliant!! :-))

Yes and then someone has to repost the whole thing to add one line !!

Dave

tony sayer wrote:
DRILL PRESS:
snip a fine article. I like this one.


Tweezers I think you're being optimistic about, IME theyre a device for
removing half the splinter and making the other half unremovable.

C clamp: device for misaligning wood pieces after glue is applied.

Hammer: medical device for testing human responses

Fire extinguisher: teaching device intended to teach how foolish our
assumptions really are. Lesson sometimes lethal.

3kVA generator: semi-portable triple function machine. Aerobic
exerciser, mechanics teacher, and device for producing 80v at 13A.

Grout rake: device for removing tiles

white paint: assists in creating a permanent record of your diy
achievements.

safety goggles: non-protective eyewear with lots of holes for letting
in angle grinder sparks.

ear defenders: device for placing in the greatest danger anyone who
comes near you

electric plane: tool for removing lumps from ends of workpieces. Comes
with with free fingertip remover

stapler: instant blood sample device designed to circumvent the problem
of patient unwilingness.

nail gun: sometimes used for fixing ear to skull.


NT

wrote in message
ups.com...

Grout rake: device for removing tiles

Amateur! Its a device for scoring tiles before their replacement.

tony sayer wrote:

[Snipped list of excellent definitions]

May I suggest:

INSULATION TESTER: A box generating up to 1000 volts used to persuade
curious animals to go elsewhere.

TORQUE WRENCH: Long metal bar used to shear off the heads of bolts.

JCB: Machine for locating buried services.

John
--
John White,
Electrical Contractor

TAPE MEASU A device that mysteriously changes length between measuring
and cutting or drilling. *After* you've got it wrong it will now tell you
precisely how wrong.

Tim