The disgronificator was out so I took a transmogrifier to it. But now
all the TV gets is He-Man reruns on every channel all day. After two
days of this nonsense, I have to get this off my chest. Attached please
find open letter to Skeletor.



Dear Skeletor,

First of all, many thanks for taking time to read this letter. I
appreciate that your schedule is pretty packed with evil and evil
related activities and that your time is precious. I'll try not to take
up too much of it, but I really do think you need to hear what I have
to say.

I, like a large number of other people on the planet Earth, have
watched with amusement for the past twenty years as you have repeatedly
tried and failed to infiltrate and conquer Castle Grayskull and gain
access to it's legendary "secrets".

Yes, you read that correctly Skeletor: "Amusement".

Because while I appreciate the thought, effort and sheer dogged
enthusiasm which go into your takeover bids, your apparent inability to
spot the numerous and often gaping flaws in each and every one of them
is laughable. I'm sorry, but it had to be said.

Take, for example, Fakir. You remember Fakir, don't you Skeletor? The
clone you made of He-Man? On the face of it, the plan was brilliant.
Flawless. You managed to create an exact duplicate of He-Man using just
the power of your Ram's Head Staff, who could just walk up to
Grayskull, knock on the drawbridge and gain entry. Victory was assured!

Or at least it would have been had you not given Fakir blue skin and
orange eyes. I mean - what were you thinking there? I can only assume
this was a frankly astonishing oversight on your behalf. The real
He-Man doesn't have blue skin or orange eyes, Skeletor, so in order to
be truly effective, nor should an evil double. An identical duplicate
should be identical to the thing it's a duplicate of. The clue's in the
name. It's just common sense.

Speaking of which, why do you insist on surrounding yourself with
idiots? Okay, I appreciate that Beast Man and Trap Jaw are some scary
looking blokes, but what real help have they been in your war on
Eternia? They might mean well, but they haven't contributed anything
useful in two decades, Skeletor. Not a single thing. Even with
employment law being so strict these days, any other employer would
have found an excuse to dismiss them long before now.

It's not as if you even like them, and I'm sure they can't be brimming
with job satisfaction either. I've had some ****ty jobs in my time, but
at least no boss of mine ever shouted "Fools!" at myself and my
colleagues before shooting at us with lasers. I read somewhere recently
that over fifty percent of people who get fired from a job go onto find
higher paid employment in their next job. They'd probably thank you for
sacking them in the long run.

And what about your strong right arm, "Evil" Lynn? Look at her name
written down. You've just been pronouncing "Evelyn" wrong all these
years, haven't you? Surely even you can't expect the Masters of the
Universe to lay down their weapons and cower before someone called
Evelyn? Particularly one who doesn't even have the confidence to
correct people who say her name wrong.

Your recruitment policy is utterly ridiculous. Take Tri-Klops - okay,
so he has three eyes, but how's that going to help defeat the mightiest
man in the universe? At best it'll just afford him a better view of
He-Man's massive fist as it connects solidly with his head. Likewise
Ju-Jitsu - that big hand he has isn't a useful special power, it's just
a big hand! He's deformed! While I applaud your policy on employing the
disabled, you shouldn't fall into the trap of believing their
disabilities will actually aid your nefarious schemes in any way.
Elephantitis is not a valuable addition to your arsenal of evil.

And surely when you employed the two-headed Two-Bad you realized that
each half of him spent every waking minute punching the other half in
the face? Why didn't this put you off? Why didn't it start alarm bells
ringing? Couldn't you have just found a single headed person who would
spend their time punching someone else in the face instead? Someone
else who it would actually benefit you to have punched in the face? An
employee who spends the entire working day physically harming himself
is a liability, no matter what line of business you may be in.

And what about Stinkor? Jesus, Skeletor, you hire a guy just because he
smells bad?! You think henchmen of that calibre are going to give you
some kind of advantage over a man who can lift a mountain with one
hand?

I dunno, it just seems to me that you're deliberately shooting yourself
in the foot by hiring these people. You're attempting to conquer a
planet and rule it with a fist of iron, Skeletor, not start a circus.
It's like you want to fail or something. There's probably a psychiatric
term for it, but I don't know what it is.

Assuming you do genuinely want to succeed, my suggestion is a
completely clean slate. Start from scratch. This time round though, I
recommend you pick your staff based on their intelligence and skills,
not by how outlandish they look. If a guy turns up for interview with
green and purple striped skin and metal wings, try to find out what
abilities he has rather than just offering him a job on the spot.

And when I say "abilities" I mean useful ones. Sit down and make a wish
list of skills and attributes you think will genuinely increase your
chances of ruling Eternia. I'd be surprised if "mental command over
fish" is on there, so retaining Mer-Man's services will be largely
unnecessary. Again, he may be resentful at first, but he'll be relieved
at no longer having to worry
about being thrown headlong into a pit of lava when he inevitably makes
his next blundering mistake and will soon come to accept the benefits
of no longer working for you.

Once you have an effective team in place, pay attention to what they
have to say. I know this goes against the grain, but even with the
buffoons you have working for you now disaster could have been averted
time and time again had you only listened to them when they pointed out
the obvious holes in your plans.

Like the machine you built to turn people to stone and bring stone
things to life. Even Beast Man knew that one was an accident waiting to
happen, and sure enough fifteen seconds later the machine was going
crazy. What thanks did Beast Man get for pointing out the dangers of
your latest contraption? A lightning bolt to the feet. He was only
trying to help. How long did it take
you to devise and construct such a machine, Skeletor? Longer than the
four seconds it took He-Man to defeat the giant statue you brought to
life with it, I'm almost certain.

The same goes for the huge tank you made out of dinosaur bones.
Appearance wise it was nothing short of breathtaking, but what was its
purpose? I can see why the whole 'bone theme' appealed to you, but you
can't have honestly believed that a vehicle which travelled at
approximately four miles per hour and offered no protection whatsoever
to those riding inside it was going to be the one to win the war?
Trapjaw knew it was destined for failure, you could see it in his eyes,
but he kept his metal mouth shut for fear of being on the receiving end
of the mental and physical abuse he's come to expect from you.

Rather than waste valuable time and resources developing such ludicrous
contraptions, maybe you should concentrate instead on learning how to
use your magic Rams Head Staff properly? I've seen you use it for
everything from simple fireball hurling to creating living creatures
out of thin air, so it seems to be an incredibly powerful piece of kit.
Do you maybe have an instruction book or manual for it lying around
Snake Mountain anywhere? If not perhaps you could get in touch with the
manufacturer to see if they can
help. It's clearly far more effective a weapon than a ray that stops
all the flowers in Eternia from blooming. What use is that, Skeletor?
You think He-Man's going to give up the secrets of Castle Grayskull
because he misses his Aspidistras? It's not going to happen.

And anyway, are you sure Castle Grayskull actually has any secrets?
I've seen inside it and it looks kind of sparse to me. It's just all
stone walls and very little else. Maybe there's a room somewhere that's
got secrets in it, but they'd have to be pretty impressive to justify
the effort you're putting into getting them. What if the secret of
Grayskull is just the
Sorceress' family recipe for Bolognese sauce? Okay, that might be some
tasty sauce, but is it really worth devoting your entire life to? It's
something to think about anyway.

Finally - and please don't take this the wrong way - don't you think
you perhaps set your sights a little high when choosing He-Man as an
arch enemy? I mean, granted you're pretty toned and clearly keep in
shape, but when your opponent can defeat you and your entire army
simply by blowing on you the time has surely come for a serious
rethink?

I hope you're not too disheartened by this letter and that you take
some of my suggestions on board. There are too few evil megalomaniacs
with no skin on their face around today, and I really do think with a
bit more thought and a few slight changes in strategy you will one day
become ruler of Eternia. I wish you all the best for when you do.

God Bless,
Al Kyder


P.S. - He-Man is Prince Adam with different clothes on. Obvious when
you think about it, isn't it?

Subject: I fixed my TV. Now I'm sorry I did it.
Newsgroup: alt.home.repair
= = wrote:

Dear Skeletor,

grudgingly snipped

That was damn funny!



--

-Graham

Remove the snails to email

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