It's a new week, January 14, 2008, and here's the Duct Tape tip of the
week.

It's mid January. You look outside and see a sheet of ice, which
starts at your front door, and doesn't likely end until somewhere
around the North Pole. You contemplete eight reindeers connected to a
sleigh with jingling bells, while you put on your best boots. You put
on your warmest coat, and place you left foot on the front porch. As
soon as your foot hits the ice, you slip, falling back into the house
and landing on your (HEE HAW). Now whatcha going to do. You gotta get
to the car, and with any luck it will turn over and start. Whether
your tires will grip to that ice is another issue (to be discussed at
another time).

But first, you got to get to the car. You grab your roll of duct tape
and sit there on your (HEE HAW), thinking deeply while scratching your
(HEE HAW) with your right hand index finger. You turn the roll of
duct tape to the left, then to the right. You place the roll against
your right foot and carefully examine the size of the roll compared to
the size of your rather large boot. After several mintes of careful
observation, and testing out at least three different tape measures on
the duct tape roll to insure accuracy of the tape measures, you
proceed to move the roll of duct tape to your left foot (or your other
right foot), and repeat the same process.

Finally, a large lightbulb ignites inside your head. Not the average
60 watt compact florescent, but rather a 1000 watt high intensity
tungsten halogen carbon arc laser enforced overclocked but flameproof
bulb. Seconds later, you hear the circut breaker inside your brain
make a loud click, trip, and you sit there on you (HEE HAW), with a
big smile on your face, and hallucinate for a few minutes, while
experencing multiple flashbacks from this trip. You are only aware of
the fact that the lights overloaded and went out in your head.
Everything is black, but you begin to see a kaleidoscope of colors
rotate inside your mind's eye, and know that your brain just did
something illegal when you went on that circuit breaker trip, and
entered a journey to the center of your mind.

A half hour passes, and suddenly the lights begin to glow dimly inside
your head, as your minds high powered light dimmer begins to rise in
automatic power mode. You focus on that roll of duct tape, still in
your left hand, and rotate the lens inside your eyes to bring them
into focus. You slowly reach down and scratch your (HEE HAW), working
your thumb deep into the crack. Just then a left over, recycled
Christmas angel appears, and tells you what to do. You take the roll
of duct tape, and begin to wrap it around your boots, with the glue
side facing out. You notice the clock on the wall, and realize you're
over two hours late for work. You carefully, but quickly wrap that
tape around your boots in a heated fury, as your pet cat finishes
doing her job in her litter box not far from you're nose, and you
utter the word (HEE HAW), followed by the word "HOLE".

With your boots completely covered with the entire roll of duct tape,
(glue side out), you stretch out your legs and place your boots into
the cat's litter box, being sure to coat the tape on your boots with
as much cat litter as possible. You stand up, and walk through the
cat's litter box one more time, just to insure you'll have plenty of
grip when you step outside your front door.

You exit the door, feeling secure against the elements, walking tall
and proudly, and thinking the entire time how many rolls of duct tape
it would take to wrap all four tires on the car, and how the heck
you'd drive the car through the cat's litter box without running over
that damn (HEE HAW) hole cat........

In that frigid subzero zone, with 75mph wind gusts and swirling snow
blizzard, you can hear voices screaming in the background, as you
enter the security of your vehicle, and you realize these voices are
just those of your (HEE HAW) hole wife hollaring about all the cat
litter on the kitchen floor. You grab the duct taped car door handle,
and slam the car door. Then you proceed to flip on the AM/FM/CD, turn
up the volume as high as it goes, flip on the power booster, turn up
the duct taped bass knob to full power, and watch your wife's (HEE
HAW) hole jaws move as she chills to the bone, then drops to her (HEE
HAW) on the front porch. You grin, then break into laughter as you
reach into your thick, insulated, duct taped coat pocket for your
ignition key.

This completes this weeks "Duct Tape Tip of the week".
Next week, the topic will be......
What else could it be but more *** DUCT TAPE *** !!!!