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THE SOUND ENGINEERS TOOLBOX

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate fragile new speaker cones not
far from an object you are trying to hit.

CARPET KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing soft plastic items or T shirts.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes. In the end it
becomes obvious..... it is possessed.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

SMALL WIRE CUTTERS: Also known as "Dykes". Used to remove bottle caps.
Any misuse of the tool (to cut wire for example) will result in the
dulling or denting of the tool.

LARGE WIRE CUTTERS: See small wire cutters.

DIGITAL VOLT/OHM METER: $99.95 item that directly replaces a $9.95
Radio Shack battery tester.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beverage across the room, splattering it against the
Monarc 2004 Olympics poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses.

SOLDERING IRON: Produces fashionable cigarette like burns on the
fingers of non-smokers.

FOUR-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: $1.98 item used for levering a $2,000
Genie tower leg into place.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood stage splinters.

SMALL DRILL BITS: Used for filling small holes.

MEDIUM DRILL BITS: Used for enlarging small holes filled with broken
small drill bits.

LARGE DRILL BITS: Often used in place of chassis punch to provide hole
for mounting 1/4" or XLR connector. Operators often employee the
popular "ream" method.

CELL PHONE: Incoming mode: A highly effective distraction and ageing
device. In outgoing mode: Useful tool for calling your neighbor to see
if he has more drill bits. Only device on the planet that's meter
spins faster than the fuel pump.

DB METER: Provides useless information that is already known for those
who know how to use it and useless esoteric information for those who
don't know how to use it.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

GERBER MULTI TOOL: Helpful in the repair of Leatherman multi tools.

DUCT TAPE: Repairs all known devices.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.

TOOL BOX: See Rubik's Cube.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TRIPOD WORK LIGHT: The engineer's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin" which is not otherwise found in clubs at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
300-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Originally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; now used, as the
name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
multi-billion dollar coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to blow dust
off your equipment.
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