Subject: Faith-Promoting Rumors
Date: Friday, November 07, 2003 8:40 AM

THE ULTIMATE MORMON URBAN LEGEND: A Parody of the Best Loved
Faith Promoting Rumors of a Peculiar People

Peter and Molly had just gotten engaged. While at the Lord's
University, they had been the Family Home Evening Group's "Mother" and
"Father." He had heard a voice telling him to marry her. His name
was
contained in her patriarchal blessing. For a date, they decided to
visit temple square and the Church Office Building.

Molly arrived late. She was late because she had just been to
the patriarch's house with her little brother who had Downs'
Syndrome.
The patriarch told this "general in the war in heaven" that he had
physically thrown Satan out in the pre-existence, and that he was
disabled in this life so that Satan would be unable to tempt him more
than he was able to bear. He also told her brother that he would be
called home from his mission to fight in World War Three when the
Constitution would hang by a thread and only either Orrin Hatch or the
B.Y.U. law school graduates could uphold the constitution. The
patriarch told her brother that he would play a large role in
fulfilling
the White Horse Prophecy. Molly had served her mission in Italy, and
when she tried to convert the Pope, he told her that he knew Joseph
Smith was a prophet but that he had to fight against the church
because
of the 666 on his papal hood. Molly's grandfather was the Japanese
pilot
who tried to bomb the Hawaiian temple during the attack on Pearl
Harbor
but couldn't, so he eventually joined the church. Molly's father
didn't
go on a mission because he was a quarterback for BYU and football was
his mission.

Peter was also running on "Mormon Standard Time." His little
brother had just received a mission call that contained a phone number
instead of telling him where his mission would be. When he called the
number, the prophet answered the phone and told him that he would be
serving a three-year mission to China. As a pre-mission present, he
bought his brother a copy of Bruce R. McConkie's book "Mormon
Doctrine"
which has over 42,000,000 errors in it and was denounced by every
member
of the Quorum of the Twelve (including Elder McConkie on his
deathbed).
Peter knew this was true with every fiber of his being. Peter had
served his mission to Southern California and when he tracked into
Madonna's house, she tried to seduce him and his companion. Now she
gets shocked every time she touches a Book of Mormon.

When Peter arrived, he was drinking a Coke because the church
owns a lot of stock in Coca-Cola. While in the church office
building,
Peter and Molly spoke to President Monson, whose patriarchal blessing
said that he would be the prophet in the Millennium. He told them
that
the Savior would come within their lifetimes. He told them that he
had
just seen the Savior walking the halls of the Salt Lake Temple, and
that
he looked exactly like the painting of the red-robed Messiah by Del
Parson, except with different colored eyes. When they left, they got
on
the elevator and President Kimball and three men wearing robes were in
the elevator already. President Kimball looked down at her wedding
ring
forged out of a horse-shoe nail and told them, "If you knew what I
know,
you would sell that ring and head down to Emergency Essentials." As
the
couple turned, looking into each other's eyes and remembering the
promises they had made to each other in the pre-existence, President
Kimball and the three men (the three Nephites!) disappeared.

As they walked past the temple, they saw Alice Cooper, a former
member of the church, urinating on the temple grounds in tie-dyed
garments. His old mission companion, Ozzy Osborne, was there also,
bitting the heads off of seagulls. Thank goodness Steve Martin and
Lionell Ritchee, both members of the church, were there with Eddie Van
Halen who was hearing the missionary discussions. While on their way
to
Emergency Essentials, they were hit and killed by a bus full of
missionaries from the MTC heading to the Salt Lake City airport. It's
ok--Peter and Molly were needed as missionaries on the other side.
And
after they were "embraced by the light," those on the other side of
the
veil fell down and worshiped these "generals in the war in heaven"
because they lived in days of Gordon B. Hinckley.


"It never ceases to amaze me how gullible some of our Church members
are
in broadcasting sensational stories, or dreams, or visions, or
purported
patriarchal blessings, or quotations, or supposedly from some person's
private diary, without first verifying the report with proper Church
authorities."

Harold B. Lee, General Priesthood Meeting, April Conference, 1970.


--

Christopher A. Young
Learn more about Jesus
www.lds.org
www.mormons.com


"Guv Bob" wrote in message
news:itmqe.159$kj5.98@trnddc03...
I like jokes!!!! :O)

"G Henslee" wrote in message
...
Stormin Mormon wrote:
After a couple minutes, they figure out that I'm trying
to teach *THEM*
about Jesus. And then they make a hasty retreat.


You're a joke.