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Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. ! Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you , my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs
and
cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't
worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes,
and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the children.
]