"Stefek Zaba" wrote in message
...
So the plenty-of-life-left-in-it-yet (N reg) Golfmobile estate has its MoT
in a week or three. And the everhelpful independent mechanics (Graham
Batts, for anyone in Bristle - a fine place to get your VWs, Audis,
Porsches(as-if), and Skoden(more-like) fixed) said at its service a little
while back 'one of your two rear numberplate bulbs is intermittent, we'll
need to fix that for the MoT, let us know a few weeks before you bring it
in since the screws are rusted up and we'll need to order new bits in'.

Well, rusted screws. How hard can it be? I've got a Dremel, I've got
attitude, I've got cold chisels, I've got (or had when I started)
daylight.

Yes well. I'm really, REALLY glad the VW beancounters decided to use
zinc-plated - if that ;-( - self-tappers, rather than going mad and
shelling out for stainless, to hold the bulb covers in place. The vaguest
racial memory of a crosshead remains in a couple of them; touching with a
screwdriver makes the in-memoriam rust fall off, to leave a vaguely-domed,
grip-free half-dome head. Of course it's under a lip, so access to sides
of the head is effectively impossible. Cutting a slot into the heads let
me turn a couple of the four (two for each bulb, may as well renew both of
them at the same time) for (a) a turn and a half, (b) half a turn, before
half of the head on one snapped off, and the other one stuck fast. Get one
cover off with only one side's mounting hole cracked off; the other one's
not going anywhere.

OK, how does the trim come off? Ah, plastic pop fixings. Pop. Pop. Pop.
Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Hmm, moves OK at this side, seems stuck by the
handgrab. Ooh, it's a separate little moulded piece. Pop. Out with the
bolt. OK, what keeps the trim in place at the top of the door? Looks like
a snap fixing. How hard do I dare pull? Hmm, harder; lever a big-ass
screwdriver in - success! Right, I guess the numberplate screws have to
come off too, to get full access to their lights. Great, they're rusted up
too - luckily with enough head to afford grip on the sides to the
molewrench. Off they come. Right, out with the plasticky tray that holds
the numberplate and lights - release the light connectors first, mind.
Spin, spin, spin those little nuts off. The top ones here are corroded
too, so one of the studs breaks free of the plastic surround it's 'held'
in as I undo the nuts.

Success. Car's now both road-illegal (no plate, let alone lights) and
inviting to scrotes (nice big hole into boot and doorlock mech exposed -
cool!). Off to workshop (the garage which, if the car was kept in,
might've slowed down the rusting of these screws; but what uk.d-i-y'er
keeps a *car* in their garage!?) to drill out or otherwise persuade bits
of screw out of plastick moulding to release second lamp cover. Turns out
they're not going into sheet metal, just a thickened bit of plastic; but
rust on their rear ends is quite enough to stop them wanting to turn.

Interlude: buy replacement bulbs - at least the lampholders are seperable
units (once the diffuser/covers are off), and keeping bulb and diffuser
should keep the MoT Type Approval jobsworths off my back (I was ready to
replace the lamps with a row of white LEDs at this point ;-). Replace
lampholders, secure diffusers with excess of hotmelt glue (previous lamps
lasted 9 years, new ones should do as long, by which time this car'll be
pensioned off, or sent to do a Meeja Studies degree - it'll be just the
right age...) Refit numberplate (more hotmelt glue to supplement the weedy
selftappers), refit cleaned-up stud to n-plate housing (more hotmelt
glue), apply silicone sealant to bodywork before refitting n-plate housing
(tasteful white streak around numberplate surround now, couldn't be fagged
searching for the clear sealant!).
Turn on lights - yes, both bulbs alight. Of course, one'll probably blow
the day before the MoT...

Total time to fix: about 2 soddin' hours. But hey, Wolfsburg gained
multiple pfennings on the cost of the fixings - I mean, *stainless*
self-tappers!? Madness! madness, I tell you!

Stefek

and if the garage had charged 80 quid for two hours labour it would be a
rip-off?