On Fri, 21 May 2021 09:26:02 +0100, Steve Walker
wrote:

snip

With the in-laws being one of 13 on one side and one of 8 on the other,
there are a *lot* of relatives!

Just to add - one year we attended 3 funerals there.

I am pleased to see they are trying to break yet another form of
conditioning when our families are often at their most vulnerable, the
funeral directors subtlety applying the pressure to get you to spend
more money / effort than the deceased themselves might have ever
wanted.

So they are now pushing a 'Simple' funeral where they just do the
(legally required / reasonable) basics.

I guess how you deal with all this is if you are religious or not or
how free thinking you are. AFAWAC, when you are gone you are gone and
any 'ceremony' around the 'mortal remains' (in a box in the ground or
in a jar) are a bit strange. We would be happy to be put out in black
backs and our only descendant, our daughter is perfectly respecting of
that decision / choice. ;-)

When my stepdaughter died (39) our daughter 'stepped up' and not only
nursed her though to the end (even staying in the hospice with her for
the last couple of weeks) but arranged the funeral that her half
sister had said she wanted, but at the lowest cost possible (because
that's also what she wanted). 'No flowers' etc as they are such a
waste and requested people donate money to charity instead.

And of course there is nothing stopping those left behind doing
whatever they want, individually or as a group or groups and from
nothing at all (just good memories etc) to a big wake.

I have seen the honest side where people have stated they 'don't
really want to go' but they are effectively blackmailed / coerced by
people forcing them do something they don't want, be it a party,
wedding [1] or funeral.

Re funerals, I think what is more important is what you did for / with
them when they were alive, as was the case with my Uncle that I know
wouldn't have wanted me to go to his funeral if I didn't want to (and
I didn't) because we also *never* pressurised him into doing anything
(even potentially 'fun' things), if he didn't want to. However, when
he was alive, he was there for me when I was a kid by getting me my
first woodworking kit and when I grew up, me helping him fix his car,
ripping out his fireplace or getting 8x4 sheets of 3/4" MDF for him to
make rocking horses out of (and they are heavy to lift on the roof of
the car on your own). ;-)

'They' arranged a wake for him back at his house and you saw the very
thing that I prefer to avoid and the vultures that had rarely ever
turned up or done anything with / for him arguing over his valuables
with all the 'he said I could have that' BS ... ;-(

Cheers, T i m

[1] Because my current wife and I had both been married before and
done all the 'Till death we part ..' stuff ... and because we were
considering having a child and had looked into all the legal
implications of that with a Solicitor (who then told us to get married
as it was 'easier' (from a legal POV)), because we wanted to just do
the formal / legal stuff and no more we secretly arranged a visit to
the local Register Office during a lunchtime at work (we worked at the
same place) and *only* told the two witnesses to be there (not even
what they were going to be doing). ;-)

On hearing the news we had got married, my Mum and Dad invited out her
Mum and Dad for a meal so that they could celebrate the event and that
was cool (for them).