On Mon, 15 Feb 2016 19:43:51 -0800 (PST), Uncle Monster wrote:

... Jesus freaks ... we did keep a black robe ... to frak with.

Black robe? Here is what you will need:

1) Hand-bound book made with an ominous-looking hand-lettered script on the
front. Use http://www.unicode.org/charts/ to tweak your imagination. Stain
with suitable blood-coloured smudges. Build extra weight into the spine
(i.e. using fishing sinkers) so that it will fall onto the floor when
placed with less than half of its area over the edge of a table.

2) Old-style mechanical stopwatch.

3) Small 'freon'-style air horn.

4) Piece of blue chalk.

5) Empty cigarette lighter. (Empty of butane, but sparker still works.)

6) Magnet small enough to be 'palmed'.

7) Hand-made candle. It must be hand-made, because inside of it is a fairly
large battery with some custom curcuitry, basically a magnetic reed switch,
a relay, and a strip of fine gauge aluminum wire wrapped around the candle
wick. You will probably need to make a few of these until you get it right,
and practice so that when the candle is on a table, you can reliably cause
a flame to light on the wick just by bringing a magnet close to the base
underneath the table. Get a cloth or leather bag to hold all of the above.

8) Yeah, sure. A black robe and pointy hat wouldn't hurt.

They always work in pairs, usually an 'elder' and a young pup who is trying
to earn brownie points because he's after the foxy daughter of one of the
church elders. A bit of 'acting' is called for. Here is the general script:


Pup: Good morning. Have you heard the good news?

You: "Oh, you two must be JW, LDS, etc.. I've been looking forward to
your visit. Please come in." Have them sit down at a small table. Go to
your coat rack and clumsily don the robe and hat. All your other props are
in the cloth or leather bag which had been hidden under the robe.

You need to be a bit clumsy without overdoing it. Take the items from the
bag one at a time to build suspicion and worry as they try to guess what
the next item will be. Start with the stopwatch and blue chalk. Just place
them onto the table. When you remove the freon horn, hand it to the pup,
and tell him that he can be the 'safety'.

Hopefully, one of them will ask what he needs to do. (Well, we all want to
be safe, right?) Here's where your acting skills will be put to the test.
Look him straight in the eye, and solemnnly say: "Oh, don't worry. You'll
know when to use it."

Now, you need to start talking non-stop so thay cannot take control of the
interaction. Talk about the weather, sports, or, things not requiring a
response. Give the lighter to the elder or place it on table next to him if
he does not take it. Place the candle in the centre of the table.

The last time you reach into the bag, palm the magnet and pick up the book
by its weighted spine. Toss the bag away (not onto the table), and place
the book onto the table with the weighted spine overhanging the edge. If
you practice this ahead of time, you should be able to ensure that the book
falls to the floor without making it obvious that you wanted it to fall.

As you bend down to pick up the book, ask the elder to please light the
candle. Most likely he'll be a bit too freaked out, but just in case he
does try, the lighter is not capable of making a flame.

And while you're under the table picking up the book with your free hand,
with the other hand pass the magnet close to the candle so that it ignites.
When you stand again, just thank him and pocket the lighter as if he had
just lit the candle normally. This gives also you a chance to pocket the
magnet simultaneously.

Next in a pre-practised flurry, draw a pentagram in chalk around the
candle, pocket the chalk, sit down, open the book to the last page, start
the stopwatch, and pull a pen out of your pocket. Tell them "We should be
getting some sort of a sign pretty soon".

Of course, you will need to improvise. Chant a few bars of minor melodics,
make like you want to hold hands, etc.

If you're really lucky, Junior will sound the horn. When that happens, or
when one of them stands up, stop the watch, write down something in the
book, close the book, and tell them that they just set a new record.