I don't remember the source, and likely it's not
on the web. I did hear of the tankless fills. One
HO poured cement into his fill pipe. The driver
wasn't one to be thwarted, chipped out the cement
and made his delivery as assigned (sort of).
..
Christopher A. Young
Learn about Jesus
www.lds.org
..
On 9/26/2013 12:29 PM, The Daring Dufas wrote:
Here's something funny. I will warn
you up front, there are a few swear
words, so anyone that would find that
offensive please DELETE now.
)
For those of us who have "endured"
Meals-Ready To Eat (MRE's) and for
anyone who has ever heard of them and
wondered what they were like, this is
a classic:
ARMY RANGER DATE
I had a date the other night at my place.
On the phone the day before, the girl
asked me to "Cook her something she's
never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head
over what to make, I finally settled on
something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal,
Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten
in their entirety contain 3000+ calories.
Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their
plastic packets, took out three of the Pork
Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King,
and eight packets of dehydrated butter
noodles and some dehydrated/re hydrated
rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork
Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic
and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken
a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked
suspiciously like succotash. I added some
spices, and blended everything together
in a glass pan that I then cooked in the
oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well,
ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow
poop. I covered the tops of the meat in
the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and
added some green sprinkly thingys from one
of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green
sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes,
mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa
powder, powdered coffee cream, and some
water. I heated it up and stirred it until
it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar
on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest
of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named
"Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per
fifth) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored"
(I swear, the packet says that). It looked
like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess...
could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers
in the middle, and set the table with my
best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series
China (that **** is ****ing EXPENSIVE...
my set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a
crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers
already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-
meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the
dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks
INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food.
Throughout the meal, she kept asking me
how long it took me to make it, and kept
remarking that I obviously knew a thing
or two about cooking fine meals. She
kind of balked at the makeshift "wine"
I had set out, but after she tried it I
guess she liked it because she drank four
glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I
served the dessert, she squealed with delight
at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's
Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she
excused herself to use my restroom. While she
was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite
fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener
(Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup.
The Army even makes smell good) and returned
to the couch, this time with an obvious
pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself
again, and retreated to the bathroom for
the second time. I could hear her say "What
the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again
send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain
bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I
heard the toilet paper roll being employed,
and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as
she decides to sit on the chair instead
of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees
pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking
back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without
a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the
bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't
come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want
her to hear me laughing so hard that tears
were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor
to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry.
I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am
so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep
running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
Imodium AD, and she finally settled down
and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made
for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so
much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and
showed her all the used MRE bags and packets
in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten
roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she
turned stark white, looked at me incredulously,
and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated
food that was made 3 years ago?" After I
concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't
**** for 3 days, and when she finally did,
the smell was so bad, her roommate could
smell it from down the hall. She also told
me she had been working out nonstop to combat
the high caloric intake, and that she never
wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect
the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it
eventually, and said that that was the first
time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on
a date. She'd been so upset by it she was
in tears in the bathroom while I had been
in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a
funny night.
I recall a story about a homeowner who had the old oil tank removed from
their basement when switching to a natural gas boiler. The filler
for the old tank was still outside and you guessed it, an oil supply
truck driver hooked up to the tankless filler and quite a few gallons
were dumped into the home's basement. It would be common sense to block
or remove the filler to any old oil tank to keep such a mistake from
happening. ^_^
TDD